My Crazy Life

2007-04-08T18:03:00.000-07:00

Well, Happy Easter!

Its been a great day spent with family, but my enjoyment has been shadowed by a terrible thing that happened right down the road.

Saturday morning, I was headed to WW and one of the houses on my street had two police cars parked in front. I wondered what was going on, because that's one of my bus stops, and I pick up and drop off a second grader. Heading home from WW there were more cars along with a paramedic truck. Then more police cars, a state police investigation unit, you name it, it was on our street. They weren't giving out any information to anyone who asked. We had to wait for the news to come on that night.

Now, I knew there was an older couple living there, and a young couple with the 2nd grader and a new baby. And again, had no clue what was going on. Was it a murder? Was it the 2nd grader, one of the parents, the older couple, the baby? It was all speculation.

Finally the news came on. The baby had stopped breathing and was unable to be revived. My God, the horror I felt! I felt as if I was free falling. I could only put myself in the parents position. I felt as if I was having a panic attack. I was snapping at the kids, and couldn't pull myself together because I was thinking of the grief the parents must be going through at the moment.

Turns out the cars and trucks were parked on the street all day waiting for a search warrant. Looking for clues, and I have no idea if thats customary or not.

I ran out to the grocery store at about 9 pm last night, and took the long way around, instead of going down my road and having to pass it all. I still had to pass our street though and the news crews, spotlights, and satellite dishes were making me nauseous. The tears started rolling. I've spoken a few times to the mother, and the 2nd grader is an adorable and sweet child. What were they going through right now? This family had just lost a child. Personally I don't think it was anything they did. It had to been SIDS. Their home was taped off with crime scene tape, they were unable to go home. They had to stay away from the house, knowing that there house would be ablaze with lights, and being searched top to bottom.

The autopsy was today. They're saying the results won't be available for a few weeks. I'm just so sad over this. I can't help but put myself in the mother's position. Their lives will be forever changed. My heart goes out to them!

Me again

2007-03-10T11:45:00.000-08:00

So, where do I start?

I've been going back and forth on the question...do I continue blogging or do I close it down? I go back and forth which is why I haven't been really posting. I mean, no one reads this, so its not like anyone will miss me. There's so much going on in my life, I don't really know what I want to write about. And if no one is reading, then why bother posting? Also, I don't really have the time to post. Poor excuse probably, but hey.

So, what's been going on, you ask?

We're actually going on a REAL vacation next month. First ever, if you can believe it. Chris and I have been away for our honeymoon, and we've been down south to visit family and for weddings and such, but that's about it. Its kinda overwhelming to plan a vacation at a place you've never been. With only pictures and online accounts to go by, its hard at least for me to make the decision. Money also, of course, plays into it as well. Its not cheap to travel as it is, nevermind with 4 children in tow. But we'll be going with my brother, his wife and their kids. Forces you to make a decision. lol We'll be staying at a fancy resort, and hopefully will have tons of fun. (Of course, assuming I can spend that much time with Chris and not kill him!)

Arreage has been paid off to me, which is nice. Money will be invested, and is still in check form. In contrast to the BA wanting to give up his rights, he's again threatening to bring me to court to have visitation. He doesn't know what the fuck he wants, but I'll be fighting tooth and nail. The kids are doing fine as they are, thankyouverymuch.

The kids are doing great, at school and at home. Nothing unusual going on, just life.

Anyway, nothing much going on, but what is, in a nutshell. Do me a huge favor, and if you stop by, just drop me a quick hi to let me know you've been here!

Recent events, bullet style

2007-02-18T21:32:00.000-08:00

We recently had two birthdays around here. Ryan turned 13!! I mean, holy shit, I'm a mother to a teenager !!! Damn, I'm getting old :(
Emilie turned 12. Unfortunately her hormonal tantrums are only going to get worse. Trust me, I'm still apologizing to my mother for what I did to her. (of course, I love Emi to death and she's great)
Its finally Feb. vacation! These last few weeks seem to have dragged. We're not really doing much, since Chris is going away for business for part of the week. But still! I get to sleep in...lol
Emi went with a friend to Cape Cod, so there are only 3 kiddos in the house for a few days.
I'm trying to start making plans for a vacation this summer. I'd love to take the kids to Disney but I'm not sure if I should wait another year or not.
I've been trying my hand at selling on ebay. So far so good. I'm not nearly as organized as I would like to be though.
Another OMG.....the B.A. settled on his lawsuit and I'll soon be receiving a check...a BIG check, to pay off the arreage he owed me. It won't be lining our pockets though.... we'll be investing it.
Hmm.... thats it for now. I know there's more but I can't think straight... I need to head to bed.

Depression

2007-01-31T07:13:00.000-08:00

So, I think I'm depressed. Actually I'm pretty certain I'm depressed. Not to the point where I want to hurt myself fortunately, but enough where its affecting everything about me. My self worth is nonexistent. I have no confidence. I feel like no one needs me, no one wants me around, no one cares. I feel because of this, its affecting my ability to stick to WW and lose this weight. Not blaming it, but its definitely a contribution.

I don't feel I can really talk to anyone about my problems. Or I can, but it doesn't get me anywhere. Nothing gets resolved in my head, and I can't let it go.

Take for instance when I was going through the shit with probate court because the BA (biological asshole) wanted to give up his parental rights. I was so afraid of making the right/wrong decision that I couldn't make one at all until the very end of it. Because of all the thoughts in my head I couldn't express clearly, I spent many nights crying myself to sleep. I remember thinking one night that I didn't want to be around anymore, except that I didn't want to leave the kids, especially with Chris.

My sister is another one. I feel I'm a giving person. I do things for people because I want to help and it makes me feel good. I don't expect anything back, but....I guess I do expect my sister to feel the same as I do. Wanting to make someone's life a little easier by helping out. So many times I've left my own house in shambles to help her pack to move.... not once but twice. I've left Chris home with the kids many nights to help her paint...into the wee hours of the morning. When she got married, I again spent many nights away from home to help her...into the wee hours of the morning. And while I know she appreciates my help, I want her to sometimes help me. She takes the kids, she's gone to school functions that I've been unable to attend, but when it comes down to it, she doesn't want to "waste too much time" helping others when she has her own stuff. Hello...she doesn't have kids and she only works 3 nights a week. I've asked her several times to help me organize my house. She throws it in my face, and tells me that I want her to come clean. I just need some help and direction. And I can't depend on her. I hate it.

Take my SIL's.... for New Years Eve they invited my sister and her husband over but not me. I was the only sibling not invited. I haven't spoke to them since Christmas, and the only reason I found out about it is because my sister asked if we were going, and we hadn't even been invited. Apparently because I was in a bad mood on Christmas and they didn't want me to "wreck the night". I'm just having a hard time dealing with my family, and even though I'm surrounded my family, I feel so alone.

And for the record, I know meds could help. At first I was trying to avoid them but at this point I just need to feel better. As soon as I find my phone book I'm calling to make an appt.

Opening up shop again?

2007-01-23T10:43:00.000-08:00

I may start posting around here, mostly because I can't find a catchy title for a new one..lol 'Course, this blog's been gone for quite awhile so I really don't have to worry about telling anyone about it, right?

The end of my blogging days

2005-09-02T21:31:00.000-07:00

So, I've decided to stop blogging. For quite awhile now, I've felt that I can't truly write what's in my head because of who's possibly reading. That in turn, causes me to resent blogging. I should feel free to write what I want, but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, so I keep it bottled up inside. In addition to that reason, I don't very often get comments. Most of the time that doesn't bother me, but when I really feel I need feedback of what I post and don't get any comments, there's really no reason to write.

Since I'm laying it all out on the table, I'll write about a few things that are bothering me.

About a month ago, I sent a letter to an old friend I haven't really been in touch with for about a year. It was extremely hard for me to write this letter, and I lost a lot of sleep over it. I realized at that point that I needed just to get it sent out. This old friend and I have had some disagreements in the past and I didn't know if I would get a response at all, but I had to try. Early on in our friendship we had gotten in a fight and hadn't spoken for awhile. Several months later she contacted me. Writing this letter, sending it to her, trying to reach out, made me realize how hard it must have been for her to reach out that first time. And I was hoping she'd understand how hard it had been for me to send this recent letter.

I just received a response today from her, and honestly I don't feel she "got" what I was trying to say. But I tried. I tried and I failed, but at least I can't ever regret not trying. And I'm sad. From how I understood the email, she doesn't really want to stay in touch past the christmas card exchange, etc. Several times a week, I want to just pick up the phone and talk to her. Hear about her life. It makes me realize that we weren't as good as friends as I thought. And I couldn't help but feel defensive on her reference that I "end it without anymore hurtful or passive-aggressive insults". I've never tried to insult or be hurtful. I stated specifically in my letter that I didn't want to be hurtful. And I certainly didn't insult her in the letter. I was expecting the response I got, but was hoping I wasn't going to get it. And I did. But at least I tried.

The other thing thats been bothering me is this. I sent a gift to another blogger out there and didn't even know she received it until I emailed her. One of the gifts I made myself, took me hours to make, and I put alot of thought into it. The thing is, it seems to me, when a blogger receives a gift from someone, they'll post it somehow on their blog. Post a picture of it or something. And don't think that I wanted that to happen to get more people to my blog or anything, its just that if she truly liked it, she would have posted something about it. And nothing. Just makes me feel like shit. Here I made something from my heart, put hours into making something special for her, and it wasn't even appreciated. Granted, not everyone likes handmade things, but they should at least acknowledge receiving it. Makes me feel stupid to have sent it, and to have gone to the trouble to do something nice.

So, why bother. I'm not perfect, never pretended to be, but I try to be a decent human being and it gets me nowhere. People apparently don't like me in real life or blogland.

For the people who have come here to read my ramblings, have occasionally commented, thank you. At this point in my life I need to focus more on me. On my family.

For some of my favorite blogs, I'll continue to read. A very limited list. For right now I may keep up my weightloss blog, so if you're interested, I'l post occasionally on there. As it is right now, I only post once or twice a week, but may eventually close that one down as well.

Sorry I couldn't have stuck around for longer.

First day of school

2005-09-01T08:21:00.000-07:00

Another school year beginning. I'm glad to be back to work, the kids are glad to be back at school even if they tell me otherwise!

Ryan's in 6th grade this year. So far so good with his behavior. He's informed me that he knows he's going to get way too much homework. And he's in disbelief that when he's given a book report to do, that he'll only have 2 weeks instead of a month to do it! Oh, yeah, and recess is shorter...go figure. I don't have the heart to tell him that its just going to get worse...lol

Emilie's in 5th grade. She has the same teacher that Ryan had last year. She's enjoying it so far! Of course, the year is young. She's been so moody though. I think she needs more sleep.

Matthew's in 1st grade this year. He likes his teacher, and has a few friends in his class, but informed me that he wants to go back to kindergarten. He's not liking how he'll get homework, and I think he was concerned that a few friends who aren't in his class stayed in kindergarten. I had to explain to him how they just have different teachers!

Molly's in kindergarten. I drive them in my bus to school, and I'm lucky enough to do our neighborhood. She got off the bus with no problems. A little hesitant, nothing unusual. When my bus was empty and I started to pull away from the school, I got all teary-eyed. My baby started school! She's made quite a few friends too. She has very few shy bones in her body...probably due to being the youngest of 4 kids. Half days for her through tomorrow, and then its on to full days for her. I already know she's going to flourish!

And now for some pictures. Chris was the one that took them, so I'm apologizing in advance...lol I've also added a few other first day photos to flickr, so check them out!

6:15 am

2005-08-31T03:21:00.000-07:00

You know, I didn't remember that at 5:30 am, it was still completely dark outside! Last night I stayed up past my "bedtime" to fill out all the forms and permission slips the kids needed to bring to school today. I had a hard time getting to sleep. Forgot to buy nyquil to help me out in that dept ;)

But now its a little after 6 and I'm ready to go! I don't need to leave the house until 6:45, so I'm hanging out until I need to leave. Chris mentioned to me that he needs to go into work this afternoon since its month end. I actually told the guy to go in early. Because really...I'm not going to get anything done when I come home this morning to a quiet house if he's sitting there watching t.v. or playing video games! lol

The kids are all excited , I'm all excited, and I think it'll do all of us good to get back into routine. The only thing that stinks is that I won't be home to do all the morning preparations. I won't be able to do the girls' hair, straighten out the kids' clothes and give them a kiss goodbye. (but Chris will be armed with the camera!)

But on the upside, I'll be home by 9 am, with the entire morning stretching out in front of me. Steph, I'll be giving you a call this morning...I couldn't find my address book yesterday to call you back! My house is utter chaos, I'll be cleaning away all morning!

Have a great day everyone!

Close enough to touch

2005-08-30T05:22:00.000-07:00

Today is our last day of summer vacation. School starts tomorrow..yay!!!! This morning my alarm was set for 7 am and I dragged myself out of bed. How am I going to wake up at 5:30 tomorrow morning??? I woke all the kids up early as well and now its 8 in the morning, and I'm dreading this last day.(tons of fighting!)

We're headed out to the store this morning to buy last minute supplies. I'm dreading taking all 4 kids, but I didn't get all my errands done on Sunday so it just needs to be done! Today will be busy but hopefully it'll fly by. We need to pack backpacks, lay out clothes, and have an early bedtime...my favorite part!

****OMG, the fighting has started already! And its only 8:30! Please give me the strength to get through this day!

Decisions, decisions, decisions

2005-08-27T08:43:00.000-07:00

This past Wednesday while at our therapy session at Rushford, Ryan's therapist threw a curveball at us. She told us (after him being there for 2 months!) that she doesn't think this program is enough for him. He's not progressing like he should be and seems to be "stuck". She actually told us that he seems to be stuck just like Chris and I. So basically, because we aren't solving our conflicts that he isn't either. I don't deny that our relationship may be hurting his progress, but I also feel that if the program was working for him, he'd have more progress than he's had.

I definitely don't expect miracles. I knew that Ryan's problems have been years in the making, and that it would be unrealistic to expect a quick turnaround. But at the same time, he's spent 5 days a week, 3-4 hours a day at this place. Therapy everyday, group and one on one. I personally think that if the program is as good as its supposed to be, he'd be making more progress.

Then his therapist recommended that we volunteer through DCF for a program thats more intense and longer....9 months to a year! First of all, I really don't want to be involved with DCF unless I have to be. Several years ago the school reported our family to them because of false accusations that Ryan made to a guidance counselor at the elementary school. Completely false, but it didn't stop DCF from being involved in our lives for a year. We finally got past it and I don't want to be involved again.

Also while meeting with the associate principal at the middleschool, and making plans with him for 6th grade for Ryan, it was suggested as a possibility that Ryan be listed as Special Ed. He'd be able to get more services through the school and have more support. I'm just as against that,because I don't think he should be classified that way. He's an extremely bright child, just has a problem with peer relationships. And we all know kids can be cruel. And its something that would carry through till his senior year in highschool. I just don't think its the route to go.
But I have made plans to meet with the 6th grade team to discuss Ryan and possible problems that might come up in the year. I've suggested to the principal that he meet with Ryan every Friday to go over the week and offer him some positive reinforcement. Ryan's also old enough this year to go the rec center afterschool. He already knows he'll be able to go based on his behavior at school, and getting homework/projects done. And...as far as his progress reports...he's always been one to get "needs improvement" on dealing with others, respecting others feelings, etc... so we're going to work with him to get that mark up to "consistently". I plan on rewarding him some way, still need to figure that one out. But I'm trying.

I feel like I'm doing all I can to help my child yet I'm failing as a mother. I'm unsure what to do about Rushford. He's supposed to be going for another month, but if its not helping then why should he go? Why should I spend $120 a week for him to miss school and go to this place where he's not making any progress? On the other hand, I don't want to pull him out without a backup plan. I think possibly that this place isn't right for him. Maybe he needs a different therapist. Maybe this, maybe that. I just don't know. Also the meds. Is it the meds that is improving his disposition or the therapy? There are some good changes in his behavior, I see them, I guess its just not as much as an improvement as they think he should have by now.

I need to figure this out. Maybe he needs to be on different meds, maybe he needs a different therapist, maybe he just needs...who knows what he needs. The B.A. seems to think that the therapist should have found out the root of his problems. Yet, I don't even think Ryan knows why he acts the way he does. Its basically the impulsiveness. That leads to the aggressiveness. The B.A. wants a quick answer and I know thats not going to happen, and I've tried explaining that to him. It could quite possibly take years.

At this point I'm just rambling, but I want to get peoples opinions as much as I can. I've been talking with everyone about it. I just don't know the right route to go. And my decision could affect him the rest of his life.

Talk about stress.

Guess what?

2005-08-25T20:33:00.000-07:00

I practically kissed the guy who delivered my camera to me today! I'm so thrilled to have it back. I figured with it taking such a short period of time, that it was probably something silly and I was right. The shutter was stuck. Who knows why, but it was replaced, so hopefully no more problems.

On that note I have some pictures to share.

Molly's new haircut! The kid looks like she's headed to kindergarten now. Or first grade for that matter!

My pumpkins. Unfortunately they didn't get big enough for jack-o-lanterns, the biggest being about the size of a cantaloupe. But, next year I'm planting the gigantic ones! Notice the dying foliage? I'm afraid to cut them off the vine, just in case they start to rot before Halloween!

My cantaloupes. This one is the biggest in the garden. Notice its mostly green yet is starting to grow the rind, or I guess "they" call it webbing.

Here's another one, but smaller. No webbing yet, its still growing.

I have a total of 9-10 cantaloupes in my garden. All at different stages, but so far they're growing without any bugs getting to them. I can't wait to taste them!

Thats all for now. I'm going to try to organize my pics on flickr since they're all over the place!

Randomness

2005-08-23T19:30:00.000-07:00

Alot going on, alot coming up. In no real order.

Had my start-up meeting for work this morning. I'm the lucky recipient of 20 extra kids. My boss was kind enough to add on another 8 stops to my already good-sized load, and for my middleschool run I'll be the proud driver of almost 70 kids! 3 to a seat, baby. God, give me strength!
9 a.m. tomorrow morning (why so early?!) Molly has kindergarten orientation. She's very excited, I'm beyond excited, and she even has the same teacher as Matt had, so I know Mrs. G is very excited as well.
For my last batch of pics I had used my sister's camera, but just got the email from Kodak today that my camera is fixed and on its way home! I have so many pictures I need to take once I get it back.(hopefully by Friday)
Tomorrow afternoon Chris and I meet with the associate principal at the middleschool regarding Ryan and his return to school. I'm going to do my darndest to stay calm!
This morning while only Matt and I were up, he was watching the disney channel, and told me " Mom, they keep showing the words of the day, and I already know them." It was just so cute how he said it. This kid has gone from 1 to 100 in the reading department. One day he was struggling to read, the next he was sounding everything in front of him out, and now whatever he comes across, reads out loud without any hesitation. He's just getting so big....he's going to do awesome in first grade!

Anyway, thats all I can think of for now. Just doing the getting ready for school stuff and trying to stay sane through the numerous temper tantrums and fights because they are bored and ready to go back.

One week left, thats all. I can handle that.

A little bleary-eyed

2005-08-19T05:14:00.000-07:00

With the summer sleep schedule totally messed up, involving the sleeping-in till 9-9:30, we've been having problems getting the kids back to going to bed early and waking up early. Nothing new, but it is hard to get the kids in bed before 10pm, when they wake up late in the morning. Personally I'm most concerned about Molly because she still climbs into bed with us and with kindergarten right around the corner, she needs to get used to the early rising. Last year, if she didn't get enough sleep she'd just take a nap in the afternoon on the bus, and I'm hoping to avoid that this year.

I'm just barely awake. Its 8:15am, Chris woke Molly and I up at 7:15 and its taken me an hour, 2 cups of coffee and making a batch of muffins to become awake enough to write this post! I know this is the hard part, and it would have been easier for me at least if I had gone to bed before 1am this morning, but if I can just get through today, I can go to bed early tonight. Molly woke up surprisingly easy but I know come late afternoon the shit will be hitting the fan!

How hard is it going to be for me to start getting up at 5:30 am? I'm so not looking forward to that part of it. There are the positive sides though. Once school starts, by 9 am, I'll already be done with my morning bus run, and I'll be back home, with all the morning still left. Its just hard getting to that point. And I'll be working on changing the other kids schedules next week. I can't wait! lol

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks for the comments on the last post. I was really impressed with how my garden grew this year. The yellow squash is coming to a close, and cucumbers are almost done. I still have the cantelopes growing though. That was the best surprise. I really didn't think that they'd grow. I picked alot of easy things to grow this year, throwing in the cantelope last minute to just see what would happen. And I have about 4 that are a good size. The outer rind is starting to grow on them, so I'm hoping they make it all the way without bugs invading or anything. Should be interesting to see. I was also asked how I cooked my squash. I usually just steam it with a blend of spices I have and then spray a little ICBINB on it. I don't like to mess with the tastiness of it too much. For next year I definitely plan on expanding my growing space. And what I grow. And the plan is to donate the extras to the local food pantry.

I just need to figure out where I'm going to expand to.

I just might have a green thumb after all

2005-08-17T21:48:00.000-07:00

114_1422
Originally uploaded by amyx7620.

Check it out! Proof that I actually grew something in my vegetable garden. This beauty was hiding under leaves, until we picked it of course. Isn't it huge!? I cooked it up, and despite its size, it was extremely tasty.

Random pictures uploaded last night to Flickr, go check them out!

2 weeks from tomorrow school starts

2005-08-16T07:31:00.000-07:00

And I cannot wait! The kids have been fighting since they woke up, and driving me crazy. I haven't gotten a call yet about my start up meeting for work, but I know I will soon. I also just got a letter in the mail the other day saying that all schoolbus drivers with a CDL need to go take a test. A refresher, I'm assuming at the DMV. Not looking forward to that one. The thing is, I know how to drive a bus, but its the details. Kinda like driving a car, you know how to do it, but basically drive without thinking about it. Does anyone really remember how many feet your car needs to be behind another car at a stoplight? Not me, and I'm betting no one else remembers either. So, thats basically the same thing with a bus. I automatically stop a certain distance from a stop to pick up kids, but do I measure the distance with my eyes, and tell myself how many yards away I need to stop? Nope. Looks like for the next few weeks I'll be studying, since I have till the end of September to that this damn test.

Otherwise on the homefront, there's not much going on. Ryan's been doing travel soccer for several years now, and just found out yesterday that he's on the "A" team. Which is a good thing, considering thats the team for the best players. He's very excited about it. We did follow through with taking away his weekend plans for getting into trouble, so hopefully he's learned a lesson.

Oh yeah, and today is Chris' and my 8th year wedding anniversary! Can you believe I almost forgot?? I can't believe its been 8 lonnnggg years...lol, just kidding of course. We've definitely had our ups and downs, and still do.

I'm still glad I married him though! No plans as of yet for celebrating, but I'm hoping we at least get out for dinner or something.

Thats all for now, have a great day!

A little daunting

2005-08-14T21:12:00.000-07:00

Tonight We started school supply shopping. $39 later, we have paper, markers, folders, highlighters, pencils, and pens. And thats just for Ryan and Emi. They both still need binders, notepads, and colored pencils. Ryan still needs a calculator. Then its new backpacks for both the little ones, although besides new lunchboxes, I don't need to buy supplies for them... the elementary school provides them.

Then there's school clothes. For 4 kids. Definitely not cheap, although at this point I'm not too worried, because the first few weeks will be warm (or hot enough!) for them to wear their nicer summer clothes.

But, it adds up. And I never think it'll cost as much as it does to outfit everyone, for their bodies and the classrooms.

Then there's the bills. I need to find my car tax bills that were due on the first of the month. I want to get it out of the way, because our car registration will need to be renewed right before Christmas. More money for that one too. Oh, and lets not forget the $2,000 bill I'll be receiving soon for Ryan's treatment at Rushford. And yes, thats after insurance.

And then of course, there's Christmas. 4 kids. Again, not cheap.

I have checks to deposit so its just a matter of paying the bills and buying the stuff. But until then its just a tad bit overwhelming. ( can't wait to go back to work! lol)

Anyway, just my normal rambling. Have a great Monday!

Bit the bullet

2005-08-13T10:43:00.000-07:00

I finally did it. I brought Molly to get her hair cut...and she looks soooo cute! So much more grown up. Shoulder length and so much more healthy looking. It was time. Her cute baby hair was getting split ends and didn't look good at all. But now it does.

Pictures coming soon!

I don't know what to do

2005-08-12T06:43:00.000-07:00

To give a little of the story first, I'll tell you whats supposed to be going on this weekend. Ryan has been going to Rushford for his behavior, etc.. He's met a boy there, same age, and they get along really well. I'm thrilled with this because Ryan doesn't have alot of friends, mostly because of his behavior. This boy does live in a different town, so chances are, after he leaves Rushford, they might not keep in touch. But for now, Ryan has a friend he talks with on the phone, etc. For this weekend, his friend had invited him to go to Six Flags and sleepover for this boys birthday. And Ryan wanted to go. I let the B.A. know that Ryan wouldn't be going for his visitation and Ryan's been really excited.

Now here's my dilemma. This morning his therapist called me to let me know in "program" yesterday, while during free time, he punched another kid in the stomach. He had also brought a gameboy to program, which is against the rules. Nevermind the fact that I took away his gameboy for the rest of the summer. Somehow he got his hands on Emilie's old one, and brought it to Rushford with him. So, what should his punishment be?

I'm torn on this one. On one hand, I know without a doubt that he shouldn't be able to go this weekend with his friend to Six Flags. But its killing me inside. Like I mentioned, he doesn't have alot of friends, and he's been looking forward to this for weeks. He normally doesn't get to do this extra kind of stuff with friends, or with us for that matter. (due to time and money). But I also know that he would "suffer" with this punishment and that it might actually impact him, and teach him that he can't do special things and hurt people.

One of the things he's been working on at Rushford is being aggressive. He really has problems with peer relationships. I was feeling optimistic because he hasn't been physical towards anyone at Rushford for over a month. And I feel as if it was looking positive that he wouldn't be physical towards anyone at school. And school really is the problem. If his behavior doesn't get straightened out this summer, he's not allowed to go back to the middleschool. And here it is, 5-6 weeks into him going to Rushford, we have a bill coming to us for almost $2000, and its almost as if there's no difference in his behavior compared to earlier in the summer. It almost makes me wonder if all this therapy isn't working.

As much as I would love to see Ryan become a "normal kid", I know his behavior isn't going to change overnight. And its not that he's not normal, its just that he's way too physical. I know kids learn by example, but here at home, we don't punch, kick, push,etc.. He has been diagnosed with ODD , and children with this are really more difficult to handle. Ryan is no exception. Not that its an excuse.

I've really gotten off track here, but really its just my dilemma. Can anyone think of a different punishment I could use, or would you agree that taking away this weekend is the right thing to do?

I just don't know what to do!

Dammitdammitdammit

2005-08-11T21:26:00.000-07:00

Tonight while Ryan was at soccer practice, I brought Matt and Molly to the playground located at the school. Right next to it was a track, and because I had binged on triscuits earlier today, I thought I'd do some walking.

After the first time around, I decided to throw a little jogging into the mix. The first couple of times I jogged I was ok. Managed halfway around the track, then slowed to walk. Then did it again.

I don't know if any of you remember, but back in the spring I had quite a bit of trouble with my hip. I might have written about it in my diet blog, can't remember. Anyway, my hip has been okay for the last couple of months. Might have been because I hadn't been doing any strenuous exercise, but regardless, it really hurts now. Obviously the jogging did it today. I was warmed up from the walking, but it just feels like I tore something in there. I'm limping, I'm in pain, and need to find a solution for this, because I really want to jog. My regular Dr. told me to just take it easy and I have and that seems to have helped, but I want to jog!

Chiropractor maybe? I don't know. Maybe go back to my regular doc and demand an x-ray or something like that? Gonna have to figure this one out.

Adding a little craziness

2005-08-10T19:35:00.000-07:00

When at the fair last weekend, we lost Molly. Very scary moment, although it was for only a minute or two and she was smart enough to stay right where we left her. And we were lucky enough for another mother to have calmed her down and stay with her until we found her.

Tonight we went to the concert on the green in town. It was a little thing for the "class of 2018",(omg!) and after the concert all the little 5 and 6 years old that were present, posed in front of the town hall with the principal. There was a pretty big crowd surrounding the group of kids, and I told Molly to go in between some legs to get to the group of kids. After I sent her through, I moved to a different spot because I couldn't see. Turns out she went back into the crowd looking for me, and I wasn't where she had left me! Although I didn't technically lose her this time, her poor little 5 yr old face was so sad and teary, I practically cried myself.

Seems lately, wherever we go, I'm having to ask constantly, "where's Molly?", just to make sure she doesn't go out of my sight again. And to boot I feel like a horrible mother for letting her get lost in the first place. I'm feeling that I need to tie her to me, just so that she doesn't wander off! Either that or have 4 sets of eyes on my head!

I think I'll stick close to home for the rest of the summer. Safer that way.

In my joke-of-the-day email today

2005-08-10T19:28:00.000-07:00

Ways to Tell If You Have PMS:

Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.
The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumpersticker that says, "How's my driving- call 1-800-###-####.
Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
Inanimate objects get on your nerves.
You're counting down the days until menopause.
You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
You dump the pretzels out of the bag, and eat the salt.
While simultaneously eating a gallon of ice cream.
You cry at commercials one minute, and contemplate assault the next.

So true.

Definition of August

2005-08-08T22:02:00.000-07:00

August: The month where the household falls apart because the kids are bored. Its boring to play outside, and its boring to do anything else that I might suggest. Summer isn't fun anymore, thats for sure. I'm at least in the mindset where I can't wait to go back to work, and yet, I don't want to stop sleeping in!

For us, school doesn't start till the 31st, and I can't wait to have a few hours to myself each day.

Today, Matt and Molly were sooo bored they decided to make their own fun! While I was in the livingroom pulling everything apart trying to find the reason for the rotten smell (and I do clean, go figure!) Matt and Molly were in the kitchen doing what I assumed was spraying the floor with glass cleaner and wiping it down with paper towels. Harmless enough. And I would get a clean floor to boot!

Until I actually walked into the kitchen. And almost fell.

Turns out they were cleaning the floor with dish soap!! And having great fun slipping and sliding around on it! It was everywhere! Swirly pink streaks all over my floor. Right then Chris walked in the door from work, and I warned him just in time to watch his step.

I had quite the time figuring out how to clean it. We sent the kids to bed, even though they should have stayed to help clean it. But really, it was a huge mess ,and they would have just made it worse! First we used a few towels to start wiping it up. Chris wanted to put them in the washer afterwards to clean them. Can you imagine the mess that would have made?!?!? I was already envisioning the bubbles flowing out of the washer. So, he rinsed the towels in the tub, and I went to work, first with the mop. After realizing it was going to take me a good 20 min. to rinse the bubbles out, just on the one time, I switched to a washcloth. On my hands and knees, section by section. Wiping once, rinsing, wiping the same section again. It took me a goddamn hour to clean it up!

2 workouts in the matter of 3 days! I worked up quite a sweat!

Looks like I'm going to have to find something creative for them to do for the next 3 weeks! (Btw, never found the rotting smell... I think it might have been Chris' shoes! lol)

Pooped

2005-08-07T20:53:00.000-07:00

Such a long weekend! My tag sale was a success!

I woke up at 6 am Saturday morning to start setting things up. Jen came over by 6:30 and we immediately started organizing things. My SIL Cyndi had come over on Friday with some of her things, and at 7 am Sat morning called to tell me she wasn't coming! Turns out her boyfriend threw out his back and she needed to stay to take care of him. I wasn't too happy about that. One reason why my sister was there was in addition to helping out, she was also putting out alot of her own things. And I told her if she didn't come that I was going to split her profit with her. Not that it was about the money, but putting everything out for a tag sale is hard. Its very physical, and I wasn't about to do all the work myself while everyone else sat at home and made a bit of money. So, needless to say, I did end up selling Cyndi's stuff, and gave her the money for it. I don't have a backbone really. Its hard for me to stand up to people and I'd rather just keep the peace. Alot easier that way.

Anyway.... like I was saying, we did really well. We were practically all set up by 7:30 am and leaving Jen in charge, I took off to put up all the signs, and stop in at WW to weigh-in. (lost 1.2 btw) We were practically busy all day, and I made over $100!!! Jen made $65 or so, and Cyndi $45. Not bad at all! I even got rid of many things I've been holding onto for a few years. We have about half of the stuff left, a few boxes went to goodwill and everyone's going to weed out their houses a bit more, and we might have another one next month.

So, I spent the rest of the afternoon packing stuff up, fed the kids, and when Chris got home we headed out to a local carnival. That was alot of fun too! We ended up getting the kids the wristbands instead of the tickets. Can you believe it was a $1 a ticket!?!?! All rides were 2-3 tickets each. But with the wristbands, the kids rode the rides over and over again. We finally left there by 11pm. What a full day! I was exhausted!

Today we did absolutely nothing. Too tired. Apparently with this yard sale I got the best workout that I've had in a long time. My entire body hurts! Every part including my butt! lol

Gearing up

2005-08-05T11:20:00.000-07:00

For our once a year tag sale, being held tomorrow. I don't really want to do it. I'd much rather sleep in. But I'm just going to get it over with. Tomorrow night we're going to a local carnival, in which we'll probably spend the money that we made from the tag sale...lol

I'm trying to clean the house too. Weed everything out. I'm watching my 2 nephews later on today and then we're all going to BK to play in the air conditioning, and then to the beach. Thats the plan but we have a chance of thunderstorms late this afternoon because of the cold front coming through (thank goodness!) Yet another reason to have the tag sale tomorrow...the weather should be in the cooler side, at least.

Okay, thats my update for now. I need to start bringing boxes up from the basement for tomorrow morning. Also my "workout" for the day. I'm sure I'll sweat buckets too!~

Average August Day

2005-08-03T06:59:00.000-07:00

Back to hot and humid, which can be expected, since it is August. Chris is home today, so I'm trying to get motivated. Trying to do something before noon. I need to run to the store , and I must make it to the post office to send out my camera. Don't know why I haven't done it yet. I'm a little afraid of sending it out and having the repairs not fall under the warranty. I don't have a clue what happened to it, and afraid I won't have the money to fix it if the repairs are billed to me. Regardless it needs to be fixed though, so I'm sending it out.

Don't know whats up with the animals around here lately. First it was the coyote although I never saw it. Then yesterday I was sitting on the front porch and a fox ran across the road and started rolling around in the neighbors yard. The reason this is so interesting, is because we do have wild animals around, but we don't usually see them in our neighborhood. In this section of town there aren't alot of wooded areas. Mostly just alot of residential streets with houses everywhere. On the other side of town, where its more woodsy, and where I drive my bus route, I'm always coming across something. I've stopped for deer to run across the road, stopped for turkeys to cross, along with the fox etc.. My BIL suggested that because of all the summer people here (we live close to the beach), that the animals are getting displaced.

Otherwise, not much going on around here. Now that its August and the kids start school on the 31st, I feel like I'm getting into school mode, although really, we're only halfway through the summer. And any mother knows that these last few weeks are the ones that really drag. LOL
At some point this week I need to buy Ryan and Emi backpacks from L.L.Bean. They're loads are getting heavier now that they're going into 5th and 6th grades, and really, even though the price is a little steeper, I figure they'll last for several years. Which would make it worth it. Also, if there zipper breaks or something else happens, they're under warranty. Makes more sense than buying a $15-$20 backpack every year.

K, I need to get motivated here. Can't spend the whole morning on the computer! Hope everyone has a great day!

On the loose

2005-08-01T20:37:00.000-07:00

This morning while getting my mail I noticed there were a few police officers parked on the road. One of them pulled up into the driveway, and I walked over and asked if I could help him.

He told me there was a coyote roaming the neighborhood and because he noticed me outside with the kids, he wanted me to be cautious. He asked me if we had any food out that might attract it and told me this coyote was just hanging out in the grass at the moment and seemed friendly (?)

A coyote!

I never did see this coyote they were talking about, but I did keep a close eye on the kids and told them to keep their eye out for a "big dog" and told them it wasn't friendly.

My only question is : Do coyotes eat small children?

Date night

2005-07-31T20:49:00.000-07:00

Its amazing how it feels to get out. Chris met me at Jen and Roman's by 8:45 and after us girls prettied up we headed out. We immediately all agreed to go to Westbrook Lobster, and because it was after 9 pm, we didn't have to wait long. We were given our little lobster buzzer and Jen and I took a few minutes to wander the cases full of seafood while Roman and Chris contemplated which lobsters they would choose.

A few minutes later we were seated, we ordered some drinks, and studied our menus. Chris and Roman decided on lobster and Jen and I decided to share a fried platter...yum!

To make a long story short, we all got our food. Chris in particular decided on a 3 lb lobster! And it was huge. And he devoured the entire thing! Then pulled the tail off and out spilled tons of eggs.... it was gross..lol

Can you believe how much Chris' lobster cost? I couldn't believe it. I've actually banned Chris from ordering lobster again for a very long time. That sucker cost $51!!!!! But my fried seafood was really good and Jen and thought we were pretty smart for sharing it.

After dinner we went to Frankie's where they have an upper deck with music and drinks. Hung out there for awhile, had a great time, and Roman had us laughing in our seats by the end of the night. He was studying several other people that were there for the night. Mostly younger kids (I call them that now! lol) You know the crowd? There to hang out with friends, hoping to hook up with someone of the opposite sex. We all studied their body language, whether they were sitting or standing, whether they were touching anyone else...etc... It was quite interesting!

We finally headed back to my SIL's house to pick up the kids. Snuck in the house, spoke a few words with his sister, grabbed the kids and headed home.

It was so nice to get out! Almost made me feel young again ;)

TGIF!

2005-07-29T21:19:00.000-07:00

Another weekend! Yay for weekends, although this is the B.A.'s weekend with Ryan and Emi so I'll only have the 2 little ones. But... my SIL agreed to babysit so Chris and I can go out tomorrow night without paying tons of money to a babysitter! Still not sure what we're going to do since Chris won't even be home from work till 9m, but maybe out for a few drinks and appetizers. Doesn't really matter, what only matters is that we're getting out. It doesn't happen often enough!

I was supposed to do my tag sale tomorrow, but the weather was saying we might get showers, so I held off. Truthfully, I wasn't looking forward to dragging everything out on my own since Chris leaves early for work. But, I also didn't want to unpack and repack things into boxes every time it started to rain (which we did last year). Yeah, and look what happened. The 11pm news says no rain. Go figure :)

I want to at least start school supply shopping, but the school won't have the lists ready for another 2 weeks. So, I've been just picking up the usuals...crayons, markers, folders, etc....So at least I won't have to do it all at once.

I did go to the oshkosh outlet yesterday to search for the skirts that Molly has been needing more of. And I got the most adorable jean ruffled skirt, along with 2 cottons ruffly ones that are identical(except for color) to one that she already has...so at least I know she'll like them! I also picked up a few matching shirts, along with a few in a bigger size for next year. And guess what? The most I spent on any one item was $4?!?! Pretty good for oshkosh. While I'm shopping getting the good deals on summer clothes, I really should pick up new school clothes, but I can't do it! At least not for a few more weeks. Its just too hard to buy long sleeved shirts, and pants when its warm outside. Plus, really, for the first few weeks of school the kids will be wearing summer clothes anyway. So, no rush.

Anyway, thats all for now. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

The cycles of summer

2005-07-27T21:49:00.000-07:00

Heat and oppressive humidity to warmth and low humidity. Thats how my summer goes here. I watch the local weatherman like a hawk, waiting for his forcast that will tell me whether tomorrow will be a "puffy ankle" day or a "skinny ankle" day.

The last 2 days have been hell. Lower 90's with barely a breeze and high humidity. No air conditioning, thats gotta be the worst. I don't want to move, I don't want to clean, and when I do clean or just stand there doing the dishes, sweat pours down my face.

Thunderstorms rolled through tonight though, and as I type right now, I can feel the breeze of the cool front coming through my front door. Soooo nice! The next five days will be "perfect" in my eyes. Upper 70's, lower 80's with low, low, low humidity. Upper 50's at night to provide awesome sleeping-all-night weather to the kiddos. I love this part of summer..its the humidity I hate.

Anyway, on another note, while Ryan was at Jen and Roman's, and Emilie was at Russ and Cherie's, I suggested to my almost 5 year old nephew that he has a sleepover at my house, and he was so excited!

Well, he was excited until bedtime rolled around. Then he became hysterical. I felt so bad for him, because its got to be scary to sleep over a different place when you're so little. But, I perservered. With his parents blessing, I held on for the rocky ride. Russell is a child used to getting what he wants. And while I didn't want to keep him if he really, truly was scared, I was also afraid that if I brought him home, he'd never want to sleep over again. Plus, it had been a long day.... we were at the beach all day long, and with playing and stuff, the kiddo was most likely overtired. So I held on. I tried convincing him that he didn't hate our house, that he didn't hate the boys' bunkbeds (he has the same bunkbed at home!) and that he didn't hate his cousins. He was just tired, and as soon as I brought him into my room, into the air conditioning, and the quiet, he fell asleep almost instantly. An hour later, he woke up to use the bathroom, and exclaimed how HAPPY he was to be sleeping at our house! And he was soooo proud that he fell asleep here! LOL It was just too funny.

Anyway, not much obviously going on here. Chris is off tomorrow so he'll be doing kid duty and I might be able to run a few errands and clean a bit around here without the kids trailing me messing everything back up.

Have a great Thursday!

Sunday sunburn

2005-07-24T20:48:00.000-07:00

We all went to Hammonasett Beach today with Jen and Roman. It was a gorgeous day and the beach was packed, which of course, was to be expected. It takes time to get ready to go to the beach though. I'm not the great in preparing for things. I didn't pack anything until this morning and after stopping at the store to stock up the cooler and actually getting there, we were there 2 hours after what we were planning. But it was so much fun. Its the first time in about 2-3 years I even remember going into the water past my knees, and actually walking aroud in only my bathing suit! I was still uncomfortable because my body is still far from perfect, but I did it. And I laid out in only my bathing suit. A big deal from a girl who's been over 100 pounds overweight for years. And I did such a good job of sunscreening my kiddos and myself that no one burned except for me, on my face.....cherry red!

Anyway.....I would have taken pictures but my camera's broken. I tried replacing the battery and its a no go. Its weird though, I can access my favorites and look at the pictures that are saved on the camera, but if I turn it to any other setting, it just turns off. So tomorrow I'm packaging it up and sending it out to hopefully be repaired. It should only take roughly 5 days, so hopefully I'll get it back in usable condition. I just want my camera back! So many photo-ops come up when a person doesn't have it.

Nothing much going on. Emi has been at my brother's house since Saturday and I won't be getting her back until Tuesday. Its amazing how the dynamics of the household change with just one person gone! The other kids are behaving, I'm getting stuff done, and although I do miss her, she's only 15 minutes down the road and obviously having a great time. On Tuesday we'll be going back to the beach and spending the day with my SIL Cherie and my nephews. Its supposed to be a scorcher though..... in the 90's, but what better place to be than the beach?!?!?

I've rambled enough... have a great Monday!

Opinionated child #4

2005-07-22T07:30:00.000-07:00

Have I mentioned lately my troubles with my youngest lately? Not specifically troubles I guess, but mostly a difference in opinion between her and I.

Molly has decided to be particularly difficult everyday. With everything. Maybe she's gearing up for kindergarten, or maybe the "stress" of being the baby of the family has encouraged her to speak up a bit. Not that she's ever had trouble with that...she's always been a brute, she's had to be, being the youngest.

So anyway, I'm used to picking out Molly's clothes for her. I set them out, she wears them. No longer does that work. My girl refuses to wear anything other than skirts. That's skirts. Not dresses, not shorts and shirts, but SKIRTS. That wouldn't be that big of a deal, except she only owns 2-3 skirts. And I don't do laundry everyday, so there's always the possibility of a temper tantrum.

The other day we were headed out for family therapy and her skirts were in the wash, so I put out this really cute shorts and shirt outfit. She flatout refused to wear it. It doesn't even work to "let her choose" some shorts and shirt, because if there aren't any skirts in her closet, she freaks. Anyway, I practically had to take her out in her underwear, because she threw such a fit I was about to go crazy. I tried being the "firm" mother by just telling her she was going to wear shorts, I tried dressing her myself, I tried bribing her.

I ended up taking a skirt out of the laundry pile. I don't want her to think she can have her own way, but at the same time, I don't know what else to do. I figure though, I need to pick my battles. This weekend, since she needs clothes to start out the school year anyway, I'm going to the mall to find some clearance deals on SKIRTS. And I'm going to stock up, cause who knows how long this craziness will last!

2005-07-21T08:14:00.000-07:00

Not much to say. A beautiful day here in CT. Happy Thursday!

I'll be the one selling the cucumbers

2005-07-20T07:55:00.000-07:00

When I planted my garden a few months ago, I started a small plot. I've never really attempted growing anything edible and if it failed, well, at least it would be a small failure.

When all the plants started coming up, I was reluctant to thin the plants out. I mean, I was actually growing something, and I was going to pull up the plants? But I did, with the exception of the cucumbers. And of course, I didn't think they'd get as big as they have! These babies have spread like wildfire. They're climbing over the yellow squash plants, already on top of the cantalope plants and growing out onto the lawn. There are tons of cucumbers growing. Still in the small stage, but they're definitely growing! What will I do with all these cucumbers? I'm going to be on the side of the street throwing them through peoples car windows as they drive by! Either that or I need to find a creative way of eating them :)

My pumpkins have still been growing and finally are producing female flowers. With tiny little baby pumpkins underneath. But I'm disappointed. The one that I was keeping an eye on, fell off. Don't know if that means that the flower wasn't pollinated or not, so I might do a little hand pollination just to be on the safe side.

Anyway, boring talk about my garden. Weather is a bit better around here. We had an awesome thunderstorm roll through last night and the humidity broke although temps are still hot. Today we have family therapy at Rushford, Chris is working a half day, and I think we'll definitely go to the beach tonight. And I told the kids if they were good, we'd go to Dairy Queen afterwards. I also need to get a new battery for my camera. Seems I left the shutter open on the 4th of July and for some reason the batteries won't charge back up. And while I'm at the store I need to get new ink cartridges for the printer. I've been putting that off for way too long! Wish I could figure out why my printer won't scan. Just rambling now, sorry about that.

Anyway, I'm off to exercise... hope everyone has a great day!

Boredom

2005-07-19T11:09:00.000-07:00

Waiting for the humidity to break. Tomorrow's the day. Makes it so hard to breath, and since I'm one of those in no central air land, everything feels sticky. The carpets feel wet, its gross. The only room that has a/c is my bedroom, but no t.v. or anything else in their besides the bed, so basically the kids and I hit the bedroom every once in awhile for a quick pick-me-up.

For me, I bitch when its hot and I bitch when its cold. I'm not happy unless its fall or spring. So we're bored. Still haven't gotten the beach pass so we can't go there. Too hot for the playground, so I'm letting the kids hang out in the kiddie pool. I'm trying, unsuccessfully, to clean the house. And then I have tons of excuses. First, my soap came on, and I needed to feed the kids and myself lunch. Now I need to file my unemployment, online of course.

And while I'm online I might as well check out a few blogs. Oh, and I should check my bank balance. And while I'm remembering, I might as well do some searching into backpacks for the kids for school.

But when I finally get off, Ryan will be home, and everyone will want a snack. Then the kids inevitably will fight about something, I'll put on a movie for them, and try to start doing something, but by then it'll be dinnertime. Maybe after dinner we'll go to the beach since it'll be less crowded and hot. Unless we get those thunderstorms the weather has been predicting for 3 days now, that we haven't gotten.

By the end of the day I just want to relax, because dammit, its hot in here.

Am I overreacting?

2005-07-17T20:37:00.000-07:00

Another weekend over with the kids spending the night at the B.A.'s. As you all know, I very much dislike the B.A. because of all that he's done to me and how he's behaved. The guy's a jerk. And he doesn't have a clue about parenting. He can pretend to, and he can tell me how his new wife does things. (even though her children were taken away from her!) but really I don't think he even tries.

Two weeks ago, when the kids came home on Sunday we ask them how the weekend went, what they did etc... We ask them every time they go. On my part its interest about what my children did when they weren't with me, and interest about what the B.A. did. Its as simple as I want to protect my children.

First thing I had a problem with was the fact that Ryan was allowed to play video games not appropriate for his age. Can't remember the name of it now, but it includes shooting and killing cops among other things. When I questioned the B.A. about it, he told me that his wife and him allow Z (the wife's son) to play them. And Z is only 11 yrs old. Now this is a big deal to me. I don't want my kids doing things simply because other kids are allowed to. Its not acceptable in my eyes. What upsets me even more is that the B.A. doesn't see where I'm coming from. He just doesn't get it! I told him that I hoped he'd agree with me and not feel as if I was telling him what to do. He agreed not to let Ryan play anymore.

Second thing is that the jerk doesn't feed them. Granted, its not going to kill them to miss lunch, but its his responsibility since he has them till 2pm, to feed them breakfast and lunch. The first thing Ryan and Emi say walking in the door is that they're hungry. So, I've talked to him about that too. I don't think he gets that these kids need to eat. They're growing. While it won't stunt they're growth, kids aren't meant to go 6 hours between eating. And the kids aren't comfortable asking him for something to eat, so they haven't.

Third thing is their bedtime. Again, its not going to kill them to go to bed late, but it messes with my semi-schedule that I have going for the summer. Emi told me tonight that while at the B.A.'s house last night, she didn't go to bed until 2:30 A.M.!!! She's only 10 yrs old!

See, I'm on a roll now. The B.A. has them every other Saturday. Do you think he calls them the 2 weeks in between visits??? Nope. Then he finally does have them for a day and a half, and leaves them with his new wife (that has called me a bitch in front of my kids). She'll take them to the store, and let them spend close to $10 of their own money on candy!! The B.A. will use the time he has with the kids to do yardwork, and errands and stuff for friends, leaving the kids their with his wife and her kids (my kids playmates, of course!) while he goes off and does his own thing.

Then there's the pillow thing. He had the kids bring their pillows to his house. Hello?!?! Buy them their own pillows for your house... I'm not going to supply their pillows! I've already had to remind him twice to make sure the kids have sunscreen on, and he doesn't even follow up with them when they leave to make sure they have everything. Emi left her toothbrush. Again, not such a big deal, but as a parent, his responsibility is to remind them and I think, help them get their things together.

It just sucks. I don't want the jerk in the kids lives in the first place, but you know, here in CT its all about the fathers. Screw the mothers who have spent every single day with their children. Its all about giving the bio-father a chance. And he's been given that chance and totally blows it.

I know, or at least can hope that the kids will see this jerk for what he really is as they get older. It just sucks wanting to protect my kids and having no say when they're with him.

And I know it seems as if I might be making a huge deal out of all this stuff. But its all this little stuff thats making me realize that the B.A. doesn't have a clue. So I just keep taking it one weekend at a time. But I seriously want to call the B.A. up and schedule a meeting to discuss all these things, but that wouldn't do much good either.

Fun as always

2005-07-16T21:04:00.000-07:00

Because of the weather we never ended up going to the beach. Cloudy,cloudy,cloudy. But... we have a little park here in town that just installed a sprinkler play area! Since Ryan and Emi are with the B.A. tonight we took Matt and Molly down and they had a blast! So much fun! The park is actually right in the hot sun so I thought it was very appropriate that they put this water park in. There were tons of kids there, where normally the park would be deserted. They ran around for a good hour and then played on the swings and stuff. Saw lots of friends and Chris and I got to hang out in our chairs...lol

Chris and I still have very little energy. This cold seems to be taking it all out of us, and I think it might be time to make a visit to the Dr.'s office. Matt was invited to sleep over at a friend's house and despite our hesitation we let him. Its so strange.... we have only 1 child! Molly went with us to Jen and Roman's for dinner and ended up being quite demanding...probably because she was the only one with us!

Molly also got the opportunity be the first one to meet Jen and Roman's new puppy! He's 10 months old, so he's not a brand new puppy, but he's so adorable. He's a boxer mix and his name is Chase. Apparently his owner was a college student that had to give him up once she moved home. He had only spent a few days at the human society when Jen and Roman claimed him as their own. As Jen would say "I'm working my way up. First with a fish, then a few cats, and finally a dog. Next up is a baby!"

Okay, enough with me, I tend to ramble. Have a great rest of the weekend!

TGIF

2005-07-15T07:22:00.000-07:00

There's something about Friday's. Doesn't matter if I'm working or not, I love them. May have to do with the fact that its payday though. Thats always a good thing!

Not much going on around here. We haven't done much because of Chris and I being sick and Ryan going to Rushford every day. It kinda stinks. We had plans to do a few days trips, but again, with Ryan being at Rushford and not getting home till almost 2:30 the majority of the day is gone. Neither Chris nor I feel like doing anything. This cold has completely drained us.

Not sure whats going on this weekend either. We were supposed to have our tag sale tomorrow, but because we haven't had any energy we haven't collected things from around the house and gone through things. Then there was the idea to go to Misquamicut Beach tomorrow with Jen and Roman instead. Chris is home, and although Ryan and Emilie wouldn't be here, it would be a good day to go. But the weather is iffy. The parking is so expensive, and I don't know if I want to go if the day is going to be cloudy.

To be truthful, I don't want to do anything but lay on the couch and cough. But we'll see... we gotta get out and have some fun. Just wish I wasn't sick.

Happy Friday!

Yuck

2005-07-14T06:14:00.000-07:00

I'm sick with a cold. I can't even remember the last time , so I'm guessing I was really due for this. By Monday, Chris was coughing and blowing his nose. By Tuesday I had a little bit of a cough...just enough to feel it in the back of my throat, although that was all I had. Then boom, it hit me. I'm so fricken miserable! Its so bad that I'm going to the Dr's tomorrow if it keeps up. Last night both Matt and Molly climbed into bed, and no matter how many times I returned them to their own beds, they kept coming back! And you know when you're sick, one side of your nose gets stuffed up (at least mine does) so I end up flipping from side to side in bed to clear my nose. Couldn't do that with both kids in bed. Needless to say I didn't sleep at all last night. My lips are already chapped and my chest is so congested I feel like I'm gasping for air.

I keep trying different over the counter meds to see what will at least take the edge off for me, and so far nothing is working! The one good thing about this is that I don't want to eat. Maybe finally I can get back to losing weight again.

Sorry I ended up whining about this. Its kinda all I can think about since ,you know, I can't breathe. I'm hoping I'll start feeling better by tomorrow!

My vegetable garden

2005-07-13T07:34:00.000-07:00

This year, for the first time ever, I started a veggie garden. I planned for months for the perfect location that was close enough to the hose and yet in a majority of sun. And its been doing good!

I have one zucchini plant that has exploded in size. And so far, one zucchini on it. I planted cucumbers. I didn't anticipate them needing as much room as they've traveled so far, so they're kinda all over the place. The feelers, or whatever they are, have wrapped themselves around my cantalope plants. I don't know if they could "choke" them, so every once in awhile I untangle them. No cucumber yet though. Cantalope is doing well, but no fruit yet. I have one tomato plant with lots of baby tomatoes on it. And my yellow squash is doing awesome. Little baby squash all over the place. The only other thing I have is bush beans. They were doing well up until 2 days ago. And now I think they have some sort of disease. Some of the plants have withered and died and the others have brown spots on the leaves. I'm so disappointed because I love fresh green beans, and now I don't know whether or not I should pull out all the plants or leave them until they're completely gone. I don't know if this disease will spread to the other plants. Need to look into that.

Otherwise, my flowers are doing great. My pumpkins plants next to my backdoor though. They look good. They're huge! But last week I was so excited that I actually saw bees pollinating between what I thought was girl and boy flowers. And then we'd have pumpkins! But my BIL gave me a little lesson. He pointed out that all the flowers I have so far are all male flowers. So no pumpkins. But... I've been doing alot of reading up, and have read that the male flowers come out before the female flowers, so I still have a chance. But heck, if no girls show up, I'm going to pull those plants up. They really are huge!

I'm hoping that my veggies do good , because if they do, I'm expanding next year. I just never thought I'd get this "into" growing vegetables... its been alot of fun!

It was good

2005-07-12T07:42:00.000-07:00

Had a pretty good birthday! Glad its over though. Birthday's aren't that big of a deal when we get older. I would have been perfectly happy to ignore it. I don't know, I think it just gets embarrassing. It was pretty great though.... my mom made me tuna pie, which is a dish from my childhood. Its soooo good! She also made me a pineapple upside-down cake. I actually cried! It meant so much to me that she would go to all the trouble after being up early and working all day. And this tuna pie isn't a simple thing to make. It takes several hours to make, which is probably why she doesn't make it anymore. Chris finally got me a memory card for my camera, which I needed, but I almost never buy anything like that for myself. And Jen and Roman got me software for my camera..... its really cool.. and I can't wait to try it! So all in all it was a good birthday. Now for the rest of the summer I can concentrate on my eating and exercise. No more excuses for eating badly. Anyway, I'll update again later, if I have a chance!

I don't want to admit it

2005-07-10T19:51:00.000-07:00

But its my birthday today. I'm 31 yrs old. Technically not "30" anymore, but in my 30's. Yikes! I'm trying to accept it, because really, what choice do I have? And... I'm trying to remind myself that I don't FEEL 31, so it shouldn't shake me up so easily. Just tell me to shut up, k?

Yesterday was Chris' work picnic and it went really well! We were expecting about 60 people and some didn't show, so we actually had closer to 45. People even had fun! The kids were running all over the yard with the hose, and the adults played horseshoes and we even got a game of volleyball started. So much food though. We still have tons left, so it looks like we'll be eating alot of hotdogs and hamburgers this week! I swear though, I'm sooo glad its over with. I'm was trying to get my house into shape, because even though the picnic wasn't inside, people would need to pass through my kitchen, into the hallway, where they could look into the livingroom, and then finally into the bathroom. I managed to get my curtains made. And I think they came out really well. Cleaned the livingroom carpet, but didn't get to finishing up the painting. This morning I worked nonstop. Between cleaning and cooking and the kids...I'm exhausted. Of course Chris was here to help but for the majority of the morning he was out in the yard mowing and then to the store for ice and stuff.

And , I didn't even eat too much. Yet. I was too busy running around doing all that needed to be done. Now its finally over, and we can get on with the week. We're trying to plan some day trips for this week since Chris is home. But Ryan goes to Rushford every day and doesn't get home till 2:15 so that kinda limits us. And next weekend they're with the B.A.

Speaking of Rushford, the nurse practitioner called me today to let me know of Ryan's blood results. Everything came out good with the exception of one thing. His thyroid was showing some elevated numbers that she suggested I get checked out. Its still within the normal range, from what I understand, but its on the higher end. So we're going to fax the results to his pediatrician and we'll see what he says about it. One step at a time with all this stuff.

But the best thing of all for me? I get to "sleep in" this week! LOL

Getting down to business

2005-07-06T20:22:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been contemplating whether or not to continue blogging. Its such a great outlet at times, but more often than not, I don't have much to say. At times I need to be careful of what I write, because of people who may or may not be reading.

What it really comes down to, is that I don't really know who is reading this. I'm not the best at leaving comments on others blogs, because I tend to get into this mode of reading and catching up but forgetting to leave comments because I get in this streamline of reading one and going on to the next. But honestly, everyone loves comments and I'm no exception.

And I know that most of the time, what I write is very uninteresting. I'm boring, really. I look at my title, and realize that my life is crazy because of my lack of discipline and structure regarding the kids. Its not crazy because I'm involved in so many things, thats for sure.

So here's what I want you to do. If you just come by once in awhile, or come by all the time, or are here for the first time, leave me a comment. Just this one time. Even if you've commented in the past, drop me a quick hello. All you have to say is "hi". Really!

Just let me know if you come here. Thats all I'm asking. I'd like to continue blogging, but if not many stop by here, I might as well keep a paper journal. Just not sure at this point what I'm going to do.

not so lazy days of summer

2005-07-05T13:11:00.000-07:00

Summer is barely in full swing, and I must declare that I have absolutely nothing interesting to share with anyone. Its not very often that there is anything interesting to write about, but I really don't have a clue. Nada. The kids have been nonstop fighting. I've been nonstop cleaning. Not really, but it sure SEEMS like it! I do have one thing though, now that I think about it.

I signed Ryan and Emilie up for a Maritime Education class. Its one of those things that the community offers, and its so awesome at times like this to live near the water. It goes by lottery, because its extremely popular, and Emilie got in for this week. Today they went boating, and she came home so excited because she was able to steer. They'll be exploring islands, learn about fishing, navigation, stuff like that. Tomorrow they'll be helping to pull up lobster pots. I'm hoping that Ryan gets into a week later in the summer.

Anyway, thats really all for now. 5 days till the big party. I'm making a schedule for myself to get everything done.

On the schedule tonight: Painting!

Oh, baby!

2005-07-01T21:21:00.000-07:00

Another year gone by. Already? The old saying goes "it seems like it was just yesterday", and how true is! Molly is turning 5 years old today! It seems like just yesterday I looked like this:

The picture is crappy... I apologize. For some reason I couldn't scan the picture, so I took a picture of my picture. I came across it while looking at my albums tonight and couldn't resist posting it.

And I couldn't stop myself from showing this "after" picture of her. A few days old at the most, snoozing with her big brother.

And how's she's grown. Full of opinions, full of determination to do things "her way". I was thinking back to 5 years ago, thinking of how the night before she was born, our family was out watching fireworks on the beach. Thinking how huge I felt, and looked!! Earlier that day I had cleaned the house top to bottom and made a huge dinner for our entire extended family. Then thinking of how while Chris and I were in the hospital, the other kids were being watched by my dad at our family's annual Fourth of July picnic.How when she finally entered this world, and Chris called to let everyone know, there was a big cheer heard in the background. How happy Emilie was to get her baby sister, when everyone thought Molly would be a boy.

I could reminisce for hours! But I'll leave you with this last picture. Tonight, my baby girl with the infamous doll cake. The same cake my mom used to make for me as a little girl. She picked the colors, she picked the little kitty sitting on the skirt, because cats are her absolute favorite things these days. Happy 5th birthday, Molly!

Summer mugginess

2005-06-30T07:48:00.000-07:00

I'm not a big fan of summer. I love fall and spring.... no extremes in the temps, ya know? Lately, here in southeastern Connecticut we've had no sun. Oh, only for 3 or so days though. I'm not complaining, because as we all know, when the sun's out, it gets hotter. But, it muggier than all hell. Today is another sticky day, although the temp is only lingering in the mid- seventies. Much preferable than sun, humidity, and in the 90's. More rain today and tomorrow, with hopefully (fingers crossed) big thunderboomers tomorrow night to bring in the coldfront. And then a beautiful weekend! And realizing I devoted an entire paragraph to the weather, you must see that I'm addicted to the weather!

Anyways..... Molly's birthday is this Saturday! My baby girl will be 5 years old! I'm a last minute planner though. Still no plans for her birthday. I'll obviously have something, probably just a family get together. But its hard every year because I don't want her birthday to be on the same day as our family's fourth of july picnic. We don't always have our picnics on the holiday. And then to top it off, I'm just so very unsure when to have it, because Ryan and Emilie will be spending their first overnight with the B.A. on Saturday night. And they don't want to miss Molly's party. So do I have it on Saturday and have the kids miss it, or do I have it on Sunday so that they'll be here? And its important to them, so still not sure what I'm going to do.

On another front, Chris and I have decided to put Ryan on meds. We're going to give it a shot. If it can help, I'd be selfish to deny him that chance. I'm not looking for everything to be perfect, and I realize its not going to "cure" him, but if it can help his moods, I have a responsibility as a mother (I feel) to give him a chance at normalcy. At this point he's been informally diagnosed with ODD. Oppositional Defiance Disorder. There's a possibility of bi-polar and depression thrown in there as well. But, being on the meds will kinda weed out what the problem is. He has so many different symptoms, its hard to say what its all originating from. So, we start and see where it takes us.

Crazyville around here. Kids fighting, fighting, fighting. With the rain for the last few days there haven't been many opportunities to go to the park or beach, so we've been homebound. I've been trying to take this opportunity to get the house back up to par, but this humidity is making everything sticky, so its hard to stay motivated. Better to do it now though, than one day before this huge picnic we're having!

Curtains, painting, cleaning. Need to start those things.

Ghost or fire hazard?

2005-06-27T19:39:00.000-07:00

For the last few days we've gone without power in the master bedroom, one wall of the girls' room, the hallway and half the bathroom. It had happened quite a few months back as well. All of a sudden, the power goes out. Only in those select places though. We have a fuse box (I know, the horror!) and Chris has checked the fuses over and over again, but there's nothing wrong with them. The last time it happened, the power came back after 12 hours or so, and we haven't had anymore problems up until a few days ago.

The power went out and has stayed out until tonight. We have a call put out to an electrician and he'll be hopefully coming by tomorrow to check it out. The weird thing is this: tonight, not 5 minutes after calling the electrician back and leaving a message, Emilie calls out from bed "Mom, a ghost just turned on my light". Chris and I went running down the hall, because if her light is working that means our lights in our room are working too. And not just the lights, but we've been going without an A/C amd fans for the last few nights- and it sucks to sleep in this humidity with no air flowing!

So, chances are very high that its an electrical problem and not a ghost. And its scary knowing that its also a fire hazard. Something's going on with the wires, somewhere. My mom mentioned to me that the first time it happened, before we moved in, she had an electrician come look and couldn't find anything wrong. But there obviously is. My mom has been planning on getting the whole house rewired, and I think she needs to get that done a.s.a.p!

Don't look at me the wrong way

2005-06-26T20:02:00.000-07:00

Grrr..... I'm pms'ing, big time. Bad enough that I feel the whole world is against me. Bad enough where I need to bite my tongue or I'll say something I'll regret. (which I've already done!) Bad enough where I've thought about sitting on my hands to keep myself from sending emails. Its getting ridiculous. I know my hormones are going crazy, but at the same time, I also know the things I'm ranting and raving about really bother me, except I usually have the common sense to keep my mouth shut and my fingers off the keyboard.

I've been fighting with my sister lately. And in the last few days, because of my hormones, I've let the dam burst. I've cried so many tears my eyes hurt. So many things bother me. I really feel as if I don't have a sister anymore. I feel as if I'm being ridiculed at every turn. I can't seem to do anything right as a mother. Can't seem to make any "right" decisions. There are alot of things about the wedding that are bothering me, because of the other bridesmaid. Obviously there's nothing that can be done about it, but it still bothers me. And my sister doesn't see it. I don't need her to agree with me, just understand where I'm coming from. Try to understand why I might be feeling the way I am. And she just doesn't give a shit.

One of these decisions regards Ryan. As I've mentioned, he's going to an outpatient program to help him work through his agression/anger/suicide feelings and problems. The NP called me last week and asked me how I felt about medication. Told me the meds she would want to put Ryan on. Gave me detailed information about this medication. Answered all my questions. I told her I was going to talk to Chris, talk to Jen (since she's an R.N.) and research before I came to a decision. I know some people are anti-medication, but I'm not one of them. I'm not looking for a quick fix by any means. But... if it could help Ryan, for the short-term, then I feel I should consider it. It wouldn't be something he'd be on for the rest of his life, just for the near future. But I mentioned it to Jen, and she blew up at me! I know ultimately, its my decision, but I want input. I don't want to make the wrong decision. I'm afraid I'm going to make the wrong decision.

It just seems like since before the wedding, when she wanted things "just so", and we all did whatever she wanted, that its followed through to after the wedding. If someone doesn't agree with her, she has a fit. And her opinion makes a difference to me. But when I don't agree with her, such as this instance, she really makes me feel like shit. And right now, I hate her for that.

Otherwise, besides the pms'ing, I'm freaking out about housework. Which I guess is tied into the pms'ing ;) Chris' annual work picnic is in two weeks and we're expecting close to 60 people! While the picnic is outside, obviously people need to come into my house to use my bathroom. And I want to make a good impression. Which means I need to finish painting my baseboards in the livingroom, that was started last summer I think. I need to finish painting the kitchen~not done either! I need to get around to making the curtains for the kitchen. Get a steamcleaner so that the carpets are clean. Make sure the yard is pretty. I know I'm putting way too much stress on myself, but if I think of these things now, I won't be rushing around trying to get them done the day before.

And since I'm surely known for jumping subjects, I'll mention my gardens. Growing beautifully, of course. I have tiny baby tomatoes growing, and the yellow squash, cucumbers, carrots and cantalope are flourishing! But.... my flowers next to my back door? They are growing and blooming, but its kinda hard to see them under the PUMPKIN PLANTS!!!! Somehow seeds got in there, and I missed them while digging it up to plant the flowers. And these goddamn plants are huge! Already taking up half the area. I tried transplanting a couple smaller ones to a different area but they aren't doing so well. So the pumpkin plants will stay. I think I'll move the flowers instead. I'm hoping that we'll actually grow our own pumpkins for Halloween this year... that would be so cool!

Anyway, another long update. And I'm not even sure if anyone reads me anymore. But if you still hang around reading my boring details of life, I hope you have a great week!

Beautiful day!

2005-06-23T20:04:00.000-07:00

Such a gorgeous day today! Probably around 75-80 degrees with a lovely sea breeze. I actually slept in until 10 am. Well, technically I was awake by 7:30, but the kids had slept in as well, so I dozed on and off until finally dragging my ass out of bed at 10.

Matthew was invited to a friends house down the road, so he went there, which was nice. After Ryan was picked up, I walked down with the girls to join Matt and his friend in their pool. It was a good afternoon! At least we weren't sitting around on our first day of summer vacation anyway.

Had my work picnic tonight which was ok, but nothing to write home about. I'm not really friends with anyone that was there, so ended up entertaining the kids instead of socializing, but hey, it was free food...lol I even stayed within points even with all the cookout food and tons of dessert.

Came home, Ryan came home, and we went for a walk. Within the last month or two Matthew has mastered riding a two-wheeler and has been anticipating a bike ride. So off we went. Ryan stayed home (he likes a little downtime after his busy day) and Emilie and I walked while Matt and Molly rode their bikes. Walked all the way down to the beach, walked along the shore for awhile and walked home. The kids were probably mostly excited because I told them we could stop a the little town beach store we have. Its all about the candy! lol We did have a little dog follow us almost all the way home. You could tell he was well trained, but apparently didn't understand "go home". We lost him though :)

Came home, did baths and the little ones zonked in record time.

Day 1 of summer vacation was great! Now I just need to discipline myself to clean the house.

Day at Court

2005-06-22T19:16:00.000-07:00

Finally I got this day over with! Tuesday morning I was so nervous, I literally felt as if I was going to get sick. Of course, it didn't help that at the same time I was having problems with Ryan at school. First I'll mention Ryan. Ryan had let me know a few weeks ago that he likes this certain girl in his class. And he also told me that he had told a few people in his class. During school on Monday, in gym class, they were playing dodge ball and a boy in his class that he doesn't get along with told him to cheer for this certain girl. Ryan was embarrassed and told this kid he was going to kill him. These days in the world we live in, obviously what he said falls into the "zero tolerance" category. So, this happened around 1pm. I was home, with the phone by my side until 2pm and there wasn't a call from the vice pricipal. I had a very busy afternoon, and didn't get home with the kids till almost 7 and there was a message from the vice pricipal telling me what happened and that he was suspending Ryan for the last 2 remaining days of school. I was pissed! And why didn't he call me right away!

Obviously Ryan saying that can't be tolerated, but at the same time, the last two days of school there was a step up day planned along with the class party and saying goodbye to classmates for the summer. Ryan didn't get to do any of that. Unfortunately, that alone is going to affect him for the entire summer, and I'll be the one dealing with that.

Fast forward to Tuesday morning. The vice pricipal calls me at 7 am to tell me what happened. He tells me that "his classmates were encouraging him to cheer for the other kids". Um, no. From what Ryan says, this boy was teasing him because he likes this girl. So, I get extremely upset on the phone and tell him that I feel the other party needs to be spoken to, because teasing is supposed to be against the rules. Plus, no one knows how Ryan said what he said. The vice pricipal basically took the word of the other student and not Ryan. Obviously I know what Ryan said can't be tolerated these days, but at the same time, they know he has problems and they know he's getting help for those problems. There could have been another way of dealing with this, considering it was the last few days of school. But basically the vice pricipal told me that if there aren't significant changes in how he acts, he may not be allowed to return to school in the fall!! Plus, in regards to this incident, I told the vice principal that Ryan has no way of following through with his threat, if it was a threat. Didn't matter. His school seems to have it in for him.

Anyway, court. We got there 10 minutes early for our meeting with my attorney. He shows up, we discuss the new details going on, and we wait for the B.A. to show up. Everyone is called into the courtroom, and yet, still no B.A.! There's roll call, we go back out to the hallway to wait for our turn with mediation and here comes the B.A. After he notices I have an attorney with me, he goes into defense mode. I ask him why he's late and he says he was running late (once again!) and that he can't find his attorney! WTF!? Well, we think he's bluffing and still to this point I feel he was. Because mediation called us, and even though the B.A. had filed pro se, he claims he was waiting for his attorney. So mediation gave him 1/2 hr to "find" him. We watch him go in and out of the elevator, in and out of the courtroom, on and off his cellphone. Obviously, he was bluffing. He felt threatened, and tried to obviously get someone at the last minute!

Finally mediation tells him that he filed pro se, and that we couldn't wait around forever, so how about meeting with me and my attorney and see if we can come up with an agreement. Well, the B.A. starts yelling about how he doesn't want to get screwed again, right in the middle of the hallway with people all around. He got so animated and loud that someone had to tell him to back off! He finally agreed to meet with mediation and my attorney, but refused to meet with me in the room. We came to an agreement too. We agreed to every other weekend, Saturdays from 9am, till Sunday 2 pm. He agreed to let me keep sole custody if I agreed to send him copies of any school papers, medical papers, etc. And we both have the 24 hr cancellation rule. Thank goodness. Now I just have to hope that he actually moves to NC next summer so I won't have to worry about sharing holidays. (although I've circled all his dates for the next year, and it does't conflict with any special days)

Its too bad really though. I felt like at times I was being regarded as the bad guy. As far as the state of Ct is concerned, it doesn't matter whats happened in the past. Doesn't matter that my little boy is quite possibly having problems because of his B.A.'s role of gliding in and out of his life. Doesn't matter that I don't want my children exposed to his wife, who had her children taken away by DCF. None of it matters. Time and time again at court, I was reminded by mediation that he could have gotten more visitation than we agreed to. Maybe I would have felt differently about all this if he had been in their lives all this time. But I don't feel a biological parent can be absent from his children's lives for 8 years and then suddenly have an interest in being a "co-parent" Something just isn't right about that.

People sometimes make me feel as if I'm a cold-hearted bitch, but thats not the case. I simply want to protect my children. I truly feel that this visitation is in the "best interest" of the kids, but I would need to "prove" it, and if I can't, HE gets all the rights. How screwed up is that, considering I'M the one thats taken care of them all these years?

Anyway, thats how it went. Again, in book form. Can't seem to write a short post anymore. Probably because I write so infrequently. But.....last day of school was today!! I'm free, free, free!

So, I'll try to be around more often. Either that, or quit all together. Only time will tell.

The story changes

2005-06-19T19:05:00.000-07:00

When the B.A. came to pick up the kids this Saturday I went out to the car to speak to him. I asked him if he was planning on taking the kids to a movie because it was a movie I wanted to take all 4 kids to. You know, that lava girl movie.....something like that. So then I mentioned , very calmly, that I was hurt that he had filed the visitation papers without telling me. We have, or I should say, had a verbal agreement, that if either of us were to file papers, we would let the other one know. So he tries telling me how it was a last minute thing. And I said "B.A., you filed the papers the same time you filed the child support papers. The papers have the date on it, you know" So then he tries telling me that he didn't mention it to me because he didn't know when the court date was going to be. I told him it didn't matter when the date would be, it only mattered that he told me about it.

Obviously, I'm completely aware that he purposely didn't tell me about the papers, because he wanted it to be a "surprise". But then he tried to lie to me about it?

So then he tells me that what he wants has changed, and that we'd talk about it on Tuesday. And I asked him what. Apparently, he says he's living back up here until next summer (yeah,right!) to deal with some stuff going on with his father. And that he wants the kids every other weekend. I just told him I'd talk to him about it on Tuesday. Then I continued to tell him that "we need to come to an agreement. He needs to stop the power struggle in trying to get only what he wants. And that what he wants and what I want will need to be considered in making a decision. That it was what was best for the kids that counted. He agreed, but I know that this still isn't going to be easy.

I don't trust him. Plain and simple. I feel he's not good for the kids, in big doses, and that I need to protect my children. I'm feeling right now that I kinda don't need a lawyer, but he's half paid for already, and for all I know, the B.A. has some tricks up his sleeve. I wouldn't doubt it in the least. For now, I'm writing everything down. All the questions I have. All my concerns. All my ideas on how to "work with him" to come with an agreement.

And just cross my fingers, that come Tuesday, everything will be okay.

Life in pictures

2005-06-16T08:23:00.000-07:00

Busy days all around. With the end of school coming, we've been non-stop go,go,go. Always a good thing, but its nice to have a little downtime as well. Here's a bit of whats been going on......in no specific order, because that would require brainpower....First, we've got Molly's final day of preschool...actually a little "graduation", but not formally with little hats and stuff...playing shy, of course, but my cutie pie all the same... Daddy was even able to come! MMatt had his "Author's tea" He made his own little book....written and illustrated, and although I had to miss it because of work, Chris was able to go. Matthew was very proud of himself! There was also Kindergarten Beach Day! What chaos! But so much fun! The kids technically weren't supposed to swim, but because of low tide, everyone got drenched! Molly insisted on wearing this cute little outfit, even eventually getting soaked to the skin. My little diva didn't mind in the least!

Although I don't have pictures, last night Ryan had his D.A.R.E graduation. That was alot of fun, but very long. Everytime we have a school fuction such as this to go to, it makes me feel so great that the kids are in this school system. The police officers had put together a slideshow of all the classes and the entire grade, put to music. It was just so awesome. There's just such a sense of community and togetherness. They all received certificates and t-shirts, and you could really tell it made an impact on them. We did take pictures, but something is up with my camera....they all came out either dark or blurry. Need to look into that. With Emilie, she had a walking field trip to "the point". About a 2-3 mile walk. They stopped at the cemeteries that have history in our town, and learned alot of interesting facts. Its funny, because I remember doing that as a kid! Otherwise, nothing much else going on. I'm preparing for court, and getting increasingly nervous. I didn't cancel for this Saturday with the B.A., because I thought it might look bad for me at court, and he doesn't need any ammunition, thats for sure. Summer vacation is coming...yay!!!

Things are rolling

2005-06-12T18:44:00.000-07:00

Busy, busy around here with the school year coming to a close. Field day's, school field trips, class parties. Times four. Molly has finished preschool, so basically its the older 3 to finish up on now. 6 more teacher gifts to guy... it kills me...lol

Ryan started his sessions at the Rushford Center. He's going 5 days a week, 4 hours a day. Tranportation provided both ways. He gets picked up from school early and returns home by 6:30 pm. Seems kind of long , but well worth it. The payments are going to hurt for awhile, with it being $150 a week, after insurance. But.... the B.A. is responsible for reimbursing me 50%. Won't that be a nice surprise for him? lol The session will last 6 weeks, so it'll go through till probably the end of July. Obviously I didn't get him into this program to interfere with the possible visitation, but I have to admit it'll throw a wrench into what the B.A. wants. Monday night is Family Night, in which the whole family will go down, and there will be a parenting class to discuss issues, and I'm not sure what else. Wednesdays we'll be doing family therapy, which should be interesting, to say the least. But again, all very much worth the hopefully positive end result.

As far as court goes, I'm meeting with a lawyer tomorrow morning to discuss the case. I got his name through a referral service but I'm not sure if I'm going to go with him. He works on a sliding scale and says it won't cost me more than $500, less if we're in and out of there quick. Alot of money for me, but cheap in comparision what I could pay. I am concerned though, because he questioned ME as to whether or not we had to call the courthouse to let them know if we're "ready" or not. I had to explain to him that we state whether we're ready or not, ON the day of court, in the courtroom. I definitely need a lawyer, but I also need someone who knows what they're doing. I think he should have some sort of expertise with family law, or else I don't think he'll be able to help me much. I'm just not sure. Seems kinda fishy to me, but then again, he was referred to me, so he's probably legit. Just going to have to let him know of my reservations and go from there. If he's not going to work out though, I only have a week to find someone else. Not alot of time, but I can't wait to get it over with!

I also found a advice forum here online and told my story and what the B.A. wants. All that responded feel that he won't get the whole summer, but that I should have a "backup plan". Something to offer him as an alternative. Start slow with the overnight visits, and bring confirmation of Ryan's problems.

One step at a time for me. I have to remind myself of that.

I'll hopefully get a chance to write more tomorrow. In the meantime, I hope everyone has a good Monday!

No such thing as a 36-hour day

2005-06-07T19:16:00.000-07:00

But it would be nice once in awhile if we had such a thing. Most days , they can't be over soon enough , but listen (or read) to what I've got on my plate right now.......

First of all, let me just add, that after writing my post about the B.A., I was served papers during Sunday night dinner! I knew it was coming, but still was shocked. The B.A. is bringing me to court and wants joint custody, and the ENTIRE SUMMER! My boss is thrilled to learn that I need the day before the last day of school off to actually go to court. I'm in shock though. I mean, does the jerk actually think he'll get the kids for 2 months?? Nevermind the fact that they're actual children, and not just a pet. The kids don't want to go. Not for the whole summer at least. They mentioned 2 or 3 weeks would be okay with them, but thats it.

And I need a lawyer. I'm not going to be taken seriously by the judge, and not going to be able to protect my children's best interests without one. But it sucks. We don't have a couple grand in savings. I'm off for the summer in another 2 weeks, and therefore, no more paycheck for me. I've made phone calls and gotten a few referrals for lawyers that work on the sliding scale fees and payment schedules. So thats started, but I'm still scared. I don't want to be without my kids for 2 months. I can barely handle the 1 week they're away for camp. I'm trying to think positively and stay confident that no judge in his right mind would give him 2 months after he's only spent 6 hours at a time with them. Of course, I feel that he wants that long for 2 reasons. 1, to not pay childsupport for that time. And 2, to get back at me. This isn't about the kids, its about what he wants, and its always been about what he wants.I'm hoping to get him to agree to 2 weeks, ONLY if he can prove they would be in a big enough place to sleep and stuff ,and they'd have adult supervision. I know he'll get something, so I might as well suggest it. Anyway, I'll write more about this later, but in the meantime, I get to look forward to going to court on the 21st.

Wednesday morning Ryan and I have a meeting with a place called Rushford Center. Its basically an outpatient program that involves therapy, in group, family and one on one time. Its a 6 week program (that would also cut into the summer for "visitation" ) and its 3 hours a day. Very intense. But we'll find out tomorrow if Ryan's a good candidate. Turns out in school on Monday he was holding a pair of scissors to his neck, pretending to kill himself. Scary stuff, considering he's actually thought about hurting himself.

So I have that meeting, need to drop Molly off at preschool, and then have a make-up safety meeting for work, before going to Ryan's school concert tomorrow night. Chris is going to be at work, and can't take the time off, so my mom will be helping me as far as watching the kids , feeding them, and getting them ready for the concert. I can't wait till tomorrow's over! lol Its basically going to be very crazy around here for the next 2 weeks until school is through.

And its actually gotten summery around here. Close to hot even though we're right on the coast. Enough to sweat at least.

I have way too much on my plate. I just want time to relax and chill out. My house is a mess, because basically I'm never home. I'm a one woman show. And I could really use those extra 12 hours a day!

More stuff

2005-06-05T06:20:00.000-07:00

Since my posts are far and few between, I'm going to break it down this time. I've had alot going on that I need to write about.

Court

As I had mentioned I went to court on Thursday for child support, once again. Gosh knows, I've been doing this for 10 years now, I should be used to it. The B.A. (Biological Asshole for those that don't remember) had filed the papers, and come all the way back from North Carolina to deal with this. According to CT state law, he's required to provide medical insurance for the kids. Well, according to him, his job has been taking out way too much per month and leaving him with gasp! only $60 a week! Asshole.... he should get a better job then! So, to make a long story short, court is supposed to start at 10 am, and its announced that she won't be there till 2 pm! I've taken the day off from work, and had to bring Molly with me, so I wasn't happy. He finally strolled in at 9:45, and then when we were supposed to be back at 1:30 to talk to child support enforcement, he didn't stroll in until 2:45pm! Now, one has to understand how this asshole works. He gloats. Big time. He blames everything that doesn't go his way on someone else. Its never his fault. He tells me in front of the lady that I should get a full time job if I want more money! Hello, this isn't about me. This is about being a responsible adult and paying support for your children that up until 2 years ago, you didn't give a shit about. Right now the kids are under Chris' insurance. And we're okie dokie with that but the point is that its the B.A.'s responsibility to provide it. So, I feel that he should give us a portion of what we're paying. But, get this : I would need to file separate paperwork and miss work again to address the subject. The B.A. agreed to up the child support to $98 a week, and $20 towards the arreage of almost 7 grand. And of course, I know that he only agreed to up the child support because he wasn't going to be paying the insurance anymore. But the judge was confused why he was agreeing to it, and asked him why. Well, he says its because " he cares about providing for his children as much as he can" or something to that effect. What a liar! He could give two shits about them. He had told me that he wasn't going to get a second job or find a better job because that would mean that "he would have to pay more for child support". And then had told me point blank that if I wanted more money, I should get a full time job! The jerk is all about himself. Anything that will benefit him he's all for. Any time he's missed paying support (which according to his arreage has been alot), or hasn't worked, or hasn't seen the kids, or has missed visitation, its ALWAYS someone elses fault. I can't stand it! Supposedly he's moving back to North Carolina in another month, and I'm crossing my fingers that he actually does because I want this asshole out of my kids' lives!

Saturday visitation with B.A.

I had been toying with the idea on Thursday, because of court, with cancelling for Saturday. On Thursday afternoon my Mom was over watching the kids and Ryan had gotten mad at her and called her some names and threw a shoe at her! I was completely appalled and needed to find a punishment. And it was determined that he needed to be grounded from doing anything fun. But Emilie wanted to go with the B.A. and I told Ryan he couldn't go. So Saturday morning comes around and the B.A. comes to the front door and Emilie starts to walk out and I tell him that Ryan isn't going. He gets belligerent and tells me that "its court ordered, he's allowed to take his son! I told him what he had done to his Nana and the B.A. said "fine" and left with Emilie. 10-15 minutes later I get a phone call. From the Police Department! The officer asks me what happened, telling me he has the B.A. down there and that the B.A. said I wouldn't let him take his son when its court ordered. I explain to him why I wouldn't let Ryan go and tell him yes, its court ordered, but then I mention all the times that the B.A. just hasn't shown up for visitation and has cancelled many times. And then I ask the officer one thing. "Will I be arrested if I refuse to let Ryan go?" Yup, I'm stuck. I thought about making a stand and refusing and getting arrested, but really with the kids home, I'd have no one to take care of them, and it really wouldn't look good for my job. Plus, I'm an upstanding cititzen. I work for the town, so I'm in constant contact with the police dept, and considering I'm dealing with them because of my recent bus accident, I didn't want to get more involved that I already am. (I also asked if the B.A. could be arrested if he brought the kids home even one minute late, and he said "yes" and that he'd inform the B.A. that it was my intention to do just that , if needed. I don't want to sink to his level, but at this point I need to play by his game). At this point in the conversation I'm extremely upset. Obviously. I'm crying to the officer on the phone, shaking so bad, I can't even hold a pen. I'm so upset that I basically have no say in this whole visitation thing. I've taken care of these kids from day 1. Its me that misses work. Its me that wakes in the middle of the night to clean up puke. And its me that has to deal with Ryan's outbursts, because the B.A. sashays in and out of these kids lives with alarming speed. Ryan was finally adjusting to the B.A. being gone when he came back. Now the kids get to deal with the B.A. being back but calling his mom names and threatening to have his mom arrested! Then, he'll have to adjust, once again, in a month, to the B.A. leaving again. Its just not good for the kids. The B.A. has already been talking to the kids about them visiting him in North Carolina for the summer, and I've already told him that I won't allow it unless its court ordered. So now I get to look forward to that. I need to be prepared to battle. I've already come to the conclusion that I'll need a lawyer. Its just the problem with coming up with $$ for the lawyer. Even the last time I was at court to change the visitation because the B.A. was cancelling all the time and even a few times just didn't show up, the judge still didn't see any need to change the order. What the heck? I've always thought that its whats in the best interest of the child, and really it isn't. I've raised these kids while he's been off doing his own thing, not paying child support, yet he gets all the rights. Its just not right. And yeah, I bought cigarettes. And I smoked a few. But, I'm not going to screw up now. Its back to the patch for me.

Saturday afternoon

This is the good part. Because Chris met some challenge at work, he was able to leave at 1 pm! It was soo nice to have him home. We played around in the yard with the kids, and did some yardwork, and decided to go out to dinner with a giftcard we've had since last Spring. Thats very unusual for us, because we very rarely bring the kids out to dinner. Number one, it gets expensive. And number two, its hard to keep 4 kids under control long enough to eat dinner in a real restaurant. But it went great! We went to Olive Garden, and since its up near my Dad's house, we stopped in and asked him to go with us. We don't get to see him that often, so it was a real treat. The waiting time was obviously HUGE, so we went back to my Dad's house and let the kids play and stuff. Finally back at the restaurant I can admit that the food was awesome! My first time there, and as busy as it was, the kids were amazingly well behaved. Table manners and everything. I was so proud of them! We came home late, and I'm embarrassed to admit I was out like a light by 10! And I had a really funky dream I'm not going to share here.

So thats my weekend in "BOOK FORM". Amazing how these words can just flow out of my fingertips with amazing speed. Guess I really needed to get some stuff out of my head. I might possibly need to post here a bit more often, cause then I won't have so much to say!

Hope everyone had a great weekend!

Stuff

2005-06-01T19:20:00.000-07:00

I went to Matt's field day today, and it was so cute! It only lasted about an hour or so, but it was definitely worth skipping the gym for. And check it out.... Matthew is a pro with the hula hoop!

Tomorrow I need to go to court, once again, for child support. The B.A. moved to North Carolina two months ago, came back up to deal with this child support stuff- (apparently he's only being left with $60 a week...yeah right!) But last Friday the jerk called me at 6 AM to cancel for Saturday morning because he was "needed" back in N.C. What the heck? He can't afford to pay child support, but he can afford to take multiple trips to and from N.C.?? And we all know, these days gas is NOT cheap. Anyway, he's supposed to be seeing the kids every Sat. again until after July 4th, when he goes back "home".... thank goodness. Course, then it'll take another 2 months for the kids to adjust again.

Not really feeling the whole blog thing anymore. It might be because I'm pms'ing right now, so really when it comes down to it, i'm bitchy and don't want to talk to anyone or deal with anything. Makes it even "better" to not smoke while dealing with this hormone crap. Grr.... I guess I just don't have much to say really, and don't really have the time to blog. I know once the summer comes around that I'll have more time, but not sure what I'm going to do for now.

The weekend!

2005-05-28T08:19:00.000-07:00

Yay for long weekends! I'm in serious need of more than 2 days off, and its beautiful outside too!

Here's the slideshow from Jen's wedding! Check it out , its really good!

So, on Wednesday I was in an accident. My first ever accident. I was driving the bus, and it was rainy and cloudy out. I'm first bus in line at the middleschool, and the street the school is on, comes out onto Main St. On Main St. there's a police officer that stops traffic for us and I need to cross 2 lanes and take a left. Hard to imagine, I know. But what it comes down to, is that the officer had stopped all traffic, I started to go, but some kids in a suv or jeep or something didn't see the stopped traffic and flew through. The front of my bus hit the back end of the car, and spun it around. I slammed on the brakes, saw the car spin and hit the officer (not bad though) and stop facing the other direction. It was SO scary! I had 35 kids on the bus and everyone was okay, because we really weren't going fast. We sat in the middle of Main St. for almost 45 minutes, while the principal, school officials, my boss, the mechanics, officers, and anyone else that could be thought of were coming in and out of the bus, getting all the kids names, checking on me, checking on the bus. I was really shaken up. I never saw the car coming, he was going so fast. There's an investigation going on and I needed to go in on Thursday to give my statement. My first time behind the wheel of a bus, and coming back out of the school was horrible. I had what must have been a panic attack. I started breathing heavy, got all sweaty, and thought I was going to cry. I'm even scared driving my car. But hopefully its something that I'll get over.

Let's see, was there anything else? Don't think so. The weather is FINALLY getting nicer around here. We've been a good 10 degrees below normal for this time of the year. And I'm ready for a little warmth. The kids are doing good. Matt finally lost his first baby tooth. He was so excited! Only a couple more weeks of school left, and then its summer vacation!

Ok, I'll come back later when I have more to tell. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

So much to tell about!

2005-05-26T19:08:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I don't really have enough time to tell about everything (its already past my bedtime) but I'll give a quick overview about what I'll be writing about tomorrow.

I'm doing good STILL with my quit! I was in an accident on the bus yesterday (but everyone is okay!) And Jen's slideshow from the photographer is up on his website, so I'll be putting up the link tomorrow. If anyone's interested. But once I actually put the link up, I would highly suggest clicking on it. You'll need to have high speed internet, I guess basically anything but dial-up. Wedding pics put to music.... and even if you don't know her, you still might get a few tears falling (I know I did when I watched others)

Anyhoo, I would love to write about it all tonight, but I need my beauty sleep. Hope everyone has a great Friday!

Sorry, have to bitch again.

2005-05-21T20:05:00.000-07:00

Quitting is so good for you...blah,blah,blah. It'll get easier soon...blah,blah,blah. Don't worry about gaining weight...blah,blah,blah. No, you don't want a cigarette...blah,blah,blah.

I'm so glad that everyone I know is so supportive, but dammit, I don't know how much longer I can deal with this shit. Not really what everyone is saying, because its exactly what they should be saying, but I want to scream and yell. I know I need to quit, I know it'll eventually get easier, I know its healthier for me to gain a few pounds versus start smoking again. And I know that when I'm told I don't want a cigarette that I do indeed WANT that smoke, and telling me I don't want it, isn't going to take my mind off of it!!

Its getting easier. Only a little bit, but easier just the same. Today was my first Saturday smoke free. It was hard. The sun was shining, the breeze was nice and warm, and I was outside doing yardwork, and I just wanted to sit on my swing, light up and enjoy it all. But I couldn't and that pissed me off. I've been exhausted too. I'm ready for a nap by 4 pm, and by 9 pm, ready to crash for the night. Chris is pissing me off by eating in front of me, when I had a horrible f'ing weigh-in this morning and I'm trying to keep an eye on my points. Gained 3.8 pounds! If I keep going gaining like this, I'll gain back everything I've lost in no time. Granted, I ate late last night and I can hope at least half of it was water weight, but still. I was ready to quit my quit and go back to smoking after my weigh-in, and quit once I reach my goal weight. But I haven't. Yet. Its just so hard to do these two things at once. I didn't think it would be as hard as its been. I'm trying to be a good Mom to the kids, but everything they do just pisses me off. And I say that lovingly. I just don't deal with stress well. And what am I supposed to do to help me deal with it? I'm at a loss. Can't eat. Can't sleep. Can't smoke. Can't exactly run laps around the yard while they're in the house killing each other.

Gosh, I've done nothing but bitch and moan on this blog lately. I know it doesn't make for interesting reading these days, but one of these days, things will go back to normal. Even though normal is boring too. On my quitnet site, I did some reading on the patch, and addiction, and all sorts of good stuff like that. Did you know that the patch works better for men than for women? And that your metabolism slows down when you quit smoking? Just what I need since I'm trying to lose this last 30 pounds. Of course, there's the alternative. Cancer. I don't want that either. There's just no happy medium. I just hope my kids, the older ones at least, can remember how badly I'm struggling to quit when they're faced with the peer pressure of smoking.

And thats another thing. When I want to have a smoke, I just keep ranting about it. I refuse to take off the patch, and I refuse (so far) to buy a pack. I did have a drag off of my SIL's last night, and it tasted horrible. You'd think that would keep me on track. I was fine all the rest of last night after that, its just been today.

One of these days I'll write about something other than quitting smoking. I promise.

5 days, 18 hours, 42 seconds smoke free.115 cigarettes not smoked.
$22.50 and 21 hours of your life saved.

Bitchy Mommy

2005-05-19T08:50:00.000-07:00

I've been such a bitch this week. The last time I posted it was day 2 and now we're on day 4. Day 3 was HELL. Like I mentioned, I haven't been sleeping and when I do sleep I have major dreams. I've been waking up with eyes so gooey, that I can't see. Literally. Chris thinks its from the withdrawal or it could be from allergies or my contacts. Bloodshot eyes, a Mommy with no sleep or nicotine, along with curbing my food intake = you don't want to be me. Chris actually told me yesterday to go buy some cigarettes because he couldn't take it anymore. I was falling asleep on the couch last night by 9 and went to bed early, except took some tylenol PM and it seemed to help.

So, now today, it has been deemed necessary by someone to throw me a curveball. Got a call from the middleschool, and turns out Ryan hit another kid and he's being suspended until Tuesday! So "Here Amy, try and deal with this while quitting smoking. We'll see if we can break you yet!" Deep breaths, crying, and 2 cookies later, I'm feeling much better. And today hasn't been too bad either. Only one or two major cravings and I'm in a much better mood! (maybe due to the extra sleep?) I still really want a cigarette.... I'm hoping that will eventually go away? I keep envisioning myself buying some, envisioning how I'll feel after lighting one up. Of course, I'm thinking now that it would have been easier if I had waited till I got to my goal weight. But I don't want to start back up only to quit again and have to go through these first few days again. I'm rambling, I know. Sorry.

Things otherwise are going good around here. Nothing major going on. Beautiful, (yet cool) spring days being enjoyed. The weekend coming. A sunny weekend, at that!

Time Smoke-Free: 3 days, 6 hours, 35 minutes and 5 seconds

Cigarettes NOT smoked: 65
Lifetime Saved: 11 hours
Money Saved: $13.50

Still going

2005-05-17T19:06:00.000-07:00

I don't know why, but today was actually harder for me than day 1. All the reading up I've been doing about quitting smoking does say that withdrawal peaks within 2-3 days so I guess that might be why.

I wanted SO BAD to have a cigarette today. I was willing to rip off the patch, and beg, buy, or steal a cigarette from someone. Thankfully, besides people inside the computer, I have alot of people that support me. I broke down crying this afternoon in front of my boss, who happens to be a former 3 pack a day smoker. She encouraged me to keep going, and that it could only get better. I was so frustrated! Some people, or maybe most people, gain weight when they quit. I feel like I'm stuck in a no-win situation. Normally, I would smoke to stop eating, keeping in mind that I'm losing weight. Now, I want to eat to keep from smoking, but I can't. (or I suppose, I won't) I was a nice wife yesterday and got Chris a little "goody bag" with all sorts of munchies and gum, etc since he was having a hard time. But I can't have that chocolate I want. I'm probably putting too much stress on myself. I know it would be healthier to put on a few pounds instead of smoke again, I just don't want my weight to get out of control, and I'm afraid of that happening. I just feel as if I'm taking on too much right now. I was even to the point today where I wanted "just one" drag, "just one" cigarette. I know from reading up on this quitting stuff, that I can't listen to the voice that says that, cause it would end up with me smoking a pack a day again.

But dammit, I want one! This is so hard. I don't know how people quit cold turkey. I'm having a hard enough time trying it with the patch. I do seem to have moments here and there where I actually notice I'm not thinking about it at all. And I know that if I did have a cigarette, the dizzy feeling would have me going crazy too! And to top it off , I'm sleeping shitty. I've been afraid of going without the patch while I sleep, and I knew it could be a side effect, but I'm waking every 2 hours, and the dreams are incredible. But I'm afraid of taking off the patch, and waking up in the middle of the night, craving one. Needless to say, I'm exhausted.

I'm damned if I do, I'm damned if I don't. It can only get better, it can only get better.

Time Smoke-Free: 1 day, 16 hours, 51 minutes and 10 seconds

Cigarettes NOT smoked: 34
Lifetime Saved: 6 hours
Money Saved: $4.50

I'm obsessed

2005-05-16T18:56:00.000-07:00

With this:
Your Quit Date is: 5/16/2005 5:30:00 AM
Time Smoke-Free: 16 hours, 25 minutes and 21 seconds

Cigarettes NOT smoked: 14
Lifetime Saved: 2 hours
Money Saved: $3.08

Technically I've been smoke free for just under 24 hours. My last cigarette was last night at 10:15, but since I don't smoke while sleeping, I thought I should start it when I normally wake up in the morning and have one.

Today hasn't been easy, as expected. I've done fairly well with my cravings all day, but this evening has been a challenge. I really,really, really wanted to smoke after dinner. But I didn't.

And I'm happy to announce that Chris made it through his first day too!

Day 2, here we come!

2005-05-16T09:03:00.000-07:00

6 hours, 31 minutes and 37 seconds smoke free.

I'm getting there, and I even found half a pack of cigarettes and broke them into a million pieces and tossed them. The patch started coming off while I was at the gym, but I kept pushing it back on, and now its firmly in place.

Had a "frantic" moment this morning, when I couldn't concentrate and just wanted to smoke, but it passed, and I didn't give in!

The real test will be later on while dealing with the 4 kids. Thanks for the support everyone!!

Extremely nervous

2005-05-15T17:47:00.000-07:00

Tonight is my last night as a smoker. I've been getting more and more nervous as the day goes on. Chris is quitting with me and we're finishing up the cigarettes tonight and already have the patch waiting on the counter to apply in the morning.

I keep thinking positive and saying "it'll be a piece of cake!" Except the problem is, I can't eat that cake! LOL I even think it might have been easier if I could eat to compensate for the smokes but I can't. Although its kinda good I'm on WW, because as long as I follow my points I should be ok and not gain weight. I think. I bought some fruities at my meeting this Saturday and I'm planning on chewing on those when I get a craving. That and water.

I CAN do this. I WILL do this. Wish me luck!

Pictures!

2005-05-14T10:04:00.000-07:00

Here's my garden by the back door. It used to be just a catch-all for stuff along with weeds and rocks. I think it cleaned up nicely! (and notice the border? those are the rocks I hauled up the hill)

Here's my front garden. The daffodils are gone, the tulips never bloomed and I can't remember the other perennial but its already bloomed and gone as well. I need to find some summer blooming perennials to put in there for next year but for now added the annuals and mulch to "pretty it up" a little bit.

One of my hanging plants. I usually just buy them from the store but this year put it together myself. Its just so pretty... my absolute favorite.

And finally, my hula shot....see Molly in her little skirt? She got the coconuts, and I just got a bikini type top that I refused to put on unless over my shirt! Ah, I'm so embarrassed!

I posted them a bit different today so hopefully it worked!

A little of this, a little of that

2005-05-14T09:20:00.000-07:00

The B.A. is back in town. He called me on Wednesday to let me know he would be in town this weekend and wanted to see the kids. Of course, he mentioned it to the kids first, so I couldn't say no. We do still have the court order, so technically I don't think I could had said no unless we already had plans. He picked them up this morning and told me he'd be in Ct until right after the fourth of July. Joy, joy, joy.
I'm getting nervous about quitting smoking on Monday. I'm going to do it, and I'm reminding myself of all the positive reasons I'm doing it. My trade off is getting a cell phone. Cheaper still than cigarettes but totally necessary in my days of errands and "never home" moments. I also realized that even after paying for the cellphone, I'm still not paying as much as I have been for cigarettes. I've been so stupid to be wasting money on something that is so bad for me.
I'm going to try to get a pic or two of my flower gardens I've been working on. Nothing special, but its been alot of fun planting.
I don't think I had mentioned that Jen and Roman are back from Hawaii. They had an awesome time obviously but are glad to be back home. At some point within the next month or two they're going to take the kids overnight for Chris and I so we can go out and be alone for the night! Can't wait for that....we haven't had a night alone in years... possibly since our honeymoon almost 8 years ago!
If I have the guts I just might post a picture of the hula skirt they brought home for me. I was just joking with them before they went that I wanted one, and especially wanted some coconuts, but they actually brought the skirt home, and I had to model it and dance in it! LOL

So thats all for now. I. must. clean. My house is disgusting. I need to pull out the dusting rags and vacuum and get to work. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

New lease on life

2005-05-12T19:23:00.000-07:00

This week has been a long drawn-out affair. I have never been scared in my entire life. Each day has dragged out, with me praying and repeating the mantra "I'm ok, I'm ok, I'm ok."

I made the appointment with my Dr. for Tuesday morning. After meeting with her, she told me she felt that my blood-tinged mucus was a result of my airway being inflammed. A combination of allergies, asthma, and the obvious, smoking. Regardless, thankfully she gave me an order to get a chest x-ray.

Wednesday went for that, and through tears explained to the x-ray tech why I was there. I've been crossing my fingers every hour since. After running errands this morning, I got home a little after noon and there was a message from the Dr's office. I tried calling them back but they were closed till 1 pm for lunch. That was possibly the longest hour of my life. Steph had called and kept me busy for the majority of the time. To make a long story short, I got in touch with the Dr's office again, and I was told my x-ray was "normal"!

I never ever want to go through this again. This was my wake-up call. I obviously can't change the past, but I can determine the future. I can say that starting smoking while a teenager was my biggest mistake ever. I can beat myself up that I chose to lose weight before quitting smoking even though smoking is more dangerous to my health than my weight was. Can't change it. I can only make better decisions now.

I know that I can't prevent everything that may or may not happen. I could get sick next week even if I was the healthiest I could be. I could get lung cancer even if I never smoked one cigarette. There's so much in this world thats out of our control, and thats scary thinking about it.

But from this day on I'm a new person. Monday is my quit date. I know as of now I'm healthy, and I'm making the decision to do my best to stay that way. I know this may not be that big of a deal to some people , but to me it is.

Anyway, TGIF, and I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

Love the warmth

2005-05-09T18:35:00.000-07:00

This week we're supposed to be in the 70's! Yay!!! Could I possibly break out the shorts? Still feeling a bit self-conscience about my legs but gosh knows they've gotta look better than they did last summer!

Anyway, haven't mentioned it but child #2 has the chickenpox. Emilie got them around Friday, and so now we're down 2, and 2 kids still to go. I'm still halfway optimistic that Molly and Ryan won't get them, but the way it seems to be going, it looks like sooner or later those red spots will show themselves. Emilie is old enough to stay home for short periods of time now, so I haven't had to miss any work, although if Molly gets them , I'll be missing a few hours. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

I made a Dr. appt for tomorrow. Very, very, nervous, but both my Mom and Jen have reassured me that its probably nothing. It hasn't convinced me but considering the alternative, I'm hoping obviously that its indeed nothing. I haven't had any problems since Friday, so I'm trying to be optimistic. Let's hope I get sent in for a chest x-ray, everything is good, and I go from there.

I had mentioned in the post that I deleted that I bought the patch. Its sitting on the counter mocking me everytime I walk by. Quit date : Monday, May 16th. I'm actually impatient for it to come, but I'm taking this week to "prepare" myself. I think I'll have complete success if I'm prepared versus making a hasty decision. I normally smoke a pack a day, and I'm down to 10 a day. I'm practicing my techniques to get through cravings. Deep breathing, and otherwise occupying myself. Anytime I want one, I hold myself off. I see how far I can get. It might sometimes be 15 min, and other times, I might forget and go another few hours. I'm refraining from smoking in the "normal times" that I would light up. After a meal, with my coffee, after work. I was really proud of myself today. Normally when I get out of work at 9 am, I have a smoke on the way to the Y. This morning I made myself wait, and it wasn't too hard. And guess what? Gee, it was even easier to workout this morning?!? Go figure! Because I have asthma, if I don't use my inhaler before I exercise, my chest tightens up. I've always known that the smoking obviously factored into it as well, but I couldn't believe the difference!

So, I'm making progress. I know that it won't be easy, even on the patch, but if I can get to a good place before I start the patch, I'm hoping I won't freak out as much.

Please keep your fingers crossed that my Dr's appt goes well tomorrow morning! I need all the good vibes I can get!

To all the Mother's out there......

2005-05-08T06:46:00.000-07:00

I hope you have a wonderful Mothers' Day!

Pretty pretty flowers

2005-05-05T18:51:00.000-07:00

This morning while at Jen's house to let the cats out (Yay, she comes home on Tuesday! I miss her!) I started collecting rocks. Across the street from her house, there's this huge rock pile. Its down a hill, a very steep hill at that. I had asked Jen if I could take rocks (for my garden) and she had told me just to make sure no one saw me. Apparently some company dug them all up, or something and I really should ask. So the car's parked, I tell Molly to wait near the car while I walk down this huge hill and tell her to be really quiet. These rocks are pretty good sized...about 12 inches around or so. I go down and can only carry about 4 or 5 at a time. I come struggling up the hill, once , twice, and then I hear it. Molly, saying, or I should say YELLING...."Mommy, are you still getting rocks?" lol So I say in the most quiet yell I can "Molly, SHHHH....." It was quite interesting! Thankfully no one was around, but I don't think they would have had a problem with it. Really, I didn't even make a tiny little dent in the pile...I'm serious, it was HUGE!

I brought them all home and started on my garden. Last week I had bought a few flats of annuals and I seriously needed to get them planted! (they were dying folks!) Sorry to say, even though I took 5 trips up and down that hill, got scratched up with thorns all over my legs, I still need to go back and get more rocks. I'm bordering the back of my house with them, and only made it halfway.

But, to make a long story short....I got the majority of my flowers planted, planted my spring bulbs and threw down some mulch. And it looks beeeutiful.

And.... I got exercise out of the deal too! It was gorgeous out...a perfect spring day!

Family ties

2005-05-03T18:39:00.000-07:00

My Mom is the second oldest of 7 children. Unfortunately my aunts and uncles are spread around the U.S. California, Florida, North and South Carolina and Maine. When I was a kid every few years we would all get together for a family reunion, usually in Myrtle Beach. We all would have such a good time! A week in the sun, visiting with family we hadn't seen in years. My cousins, siblings and I always seeming to get into some sort of trouble. Still to this day, we occassionally pull out the videos from then. When I was only 8 yrs old! Watching everyone when they were younger, laughing at the hairstyles....such a huge part of my past.

Our last family reunion was in Panama City, Florida. Almost 12 years ago. I think because all us kids were getting older and such, it was getting harder to get everyone together. At the time I was 18, and pregnant with Ryan although no one knew. My other cousins were around my age by a few years and one particular cousin, Jon, lives in California.

For Jen's wedding, she obviously invited all family members from all around, and although a few made it, she was hoping our cousin Jon would. He wasn't able to make it, but Jen did have me send him an email when she was on her way to CA to see if she could meet up with him. I really haven't talked to him since the family reunion. Its difficult to keep in touch with such distance between us, plus with him being a guy, there's not a whole lot we have in common. But in my email I suggested we keep in touch because family is very important to me and its better late than never.

I actually didn't think he'd email me back. I mean, maybe he'd rather not keep in touch. He finally did send me an email though. You know sometimes how people try to exaggerate their life to impress or whatever. Which is okay, I mean, I think we all do it at some point or another. So anyway, I had known that he had gone to college and had a girlfriend, but no kids. In his email he tells me where he works and gives me the figure that he recently bought his house for. Its so hard to tell through an email how a person is trying to come across. He could just be trying to tell me bits and pieces of his life, or he could have been trying to impress me.

Not that it matters. I definitely won't be writting him back with anything impressive except for the fact I have 4 kids and I've lived(so far) to tell about it. But I can't tell him that I bought a house for tons of $$ because we don't have tons of $$. Because of what he included in his email I'm almost embarrassed to tell him about my life. Because I haven't talked to him in so many years, we're fairly close to being strangers. Yet I want him to know about my life. I want to someday see him again, and have him meet my kids and husband. When it comes down to it, I doubt he really cares how much money I do or don't have, or how big or nice of a house I have. But its the uncertainty. How much do I really want to bare my soul? Do I want to tell him about my hopes of going to college someday? To be quite honest I feel inferior to him. But he's family, and even though I haven't seen him in a long time, I bet if we met up tomorrow, we'd go back in time and fall back into the easy relationship we had.
]
There's no real point to my post...sorry. Just had all these things swirling around in my head, that I wanted to get down.

A very broke Tooth Fairy

2005-05-01T18:57:00.000-07:00

When Ryan had his teeth cleaned a few weeks ago the dentist tells him he has either 7 or 11 teeth loose! Can't remember which one, but thats a helluva lot of teeth. One of his 1 yr molars fell out while he was chewing last week. He got a buck. A few years ago he was visiting my sister Jen and my new BIL in New York and lost one. Apparently in New York the tooth fairy shells out big bucks....$20 to be exact.

The tooth fairy determines the monetary amount by how hard they have to work to get the tooth out. It ranges generally from $1 to $5. His other upper 1 yr molar has been loose for probably over a month now. His permanent teeth for this particular tooth (actually on both sides) have started to come in, in front of his baby teeth. So obviously, its pretty imperative that he pull them out soon. So tonight, he tells Chris and I that the tooth is hanging. We check it out, we ooh and ahh, and we tell him to pull it.

My poor son. The tooth was literally hanging there. He worked for almost 3 HOURS tonight to get that baby out. He was in pain, he had a headache and even asked me if he could stay home from school tomorrow because it hurt so much. "kiddo, just pull it out" I tell him.

He finally got it out at around 9:45 tonight. His bedtime is 9pm. He went through 3 popsicles to numb the gum so he wouldn't feel it. When he finally yanked that stubborn thing out, there was a chunk of his gum still attached to it! Ewwwwwww!!!!! No wonder why that f*cker hurt! Now my dilemma.... its under his pillow, the tooth fairy will visit (obviously with a $5!) but I'm thinking when that piece of flesh dies, its gonna stink. Never had this happen before. lol

Needless to say, there's been alot of drama around here.

Healthy Kids Day!

2005-04-30T08:00:00.000-07:00

Today I'm taking the kids to the annual Healthy Kids Day at the YMCA. Its totally free, which is awesome, and there will be music and free healthy foods along with the child I.D. system to update the kids on. With all the focus these days on child obesity I think its awesome that the Y puts on something like this. My kids, even though I'm overweight, do eat healthy for the most part, but its easy in today's society of Mcdonalds and soda and unhealthy foods in schools to end up having an overweight child. I'm thankful that I've changed my eating habits when I have, which encourages my kids to make healthier choices in and out of our home. Every kid loves candy and cookies and my kids do eat them. I typically buy them a "treat" once a week, usually candy or gum. I also buy one package of cookies when I do the weekly grocery shopping. I'm a firm believer in not denying my kids these things. When I was a child my Mom didn't buy unhealthy foods, and thats not a bad thing. But it only made me want them more. I think thats how I became overweight. I was a slim child but once I had my own money, thats all I would buy. Junk. I'm trying to avoid that with my kids.

So today should be a fun day. Crazy, but fun. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Chickenpox War

2005-04-28T08:42:00.000-07:00

So, as I had written in my post before, Matt has had chickenpox. He woke up Sunday morning, with them, and they haven't been too bad. They've even been scabbing up really fast. Obviously I've still needed to keep him home from school, and in the meantime, unless my Mom has come over or Chris has been home, I've been missing work. Not a big deal in itself except we just had spring break last week and I collect unemployment during school breaks. This week I've had no compensation for missing work. But its one of those things that must be done.

Yesterday I went over his entire body to check to make sure no new spots have cropped up and that all the spots that are there have crusted over. I noticed all the spots are healing and decided that I'd send him to school today. And instead of letting him get off the bus, I finished my run and brought him to school myself. I brought him in the nurses' office to be checked out before going to his class, and she took one look at his face and told me point blank..."these aren't crusted over". WTF?!??!?! Do they need to look a special way? He had 2 on his face and they were bigger, where the majority on his body were smaller. They were still red, but obviously had scabs on them! They weren't oozing anything remotely disgusting and were completely dry. So then I asked her what they need to look like and she tells me they need to look like the ones on his neck, which are only about 1/5 the size of the ones on his face!

Then I brought up the letter. When I called the school on Monday to let them know Matt wasn't coming in because he had chickenpox, a nurse had called me back an hour later to tell me that he needed a letter from the Dr. letting them know he had chickenpox. I had already called the Dr. office that morning and talked to a nurse, and she told me there was no need to see him, but that it sounded like chickenpox and to keep him home till they healed. But now the school was telling me I needed a letter to give to them. I guess some Dr. offices don't need to see a child to write a letter diagnosing something but the kids pediatrician does.(which makes sense to me) So I needed to make an appt. and bring Matt in, just for them to look at the spots and tell me what I already knew. Oh, and fork over the $30 co-pay for the letter!

So, back to the nurses' office at the school. I told her that I had needed to bring Matt in and pay the co-pay just for the letter. And I wanted to know exactly why the school needed the letter in the first place. And by this point I was furious, and had started to cry (I hate that!) The nurse got down really close to my face and started talking real slow telling me that chickenpox was a communitable (sp?) disease and they needed the letter because of that. Then continues to tell me that Matt can't stay at school because the ones on his face aren't healed and that there's a child in the school with leukemia that could die if he gets it. While I understand that obviously the school needs to err on the side of caution because of the sick child, she didn't need to talk to me like I was a fricken child! And I told her that I felt she was talking down to me, in which she told me she just wanted to explain. I told her I didn't need an explanation, that I did indeed understand. But, I was confused what the spots were supposed to look like since the ones on his face looked crusted over to me!

I was pissed, people! How dare she talk down to me that way? I felt totally inadequate as a mother and then she made me feel stupid on top of it! This is only Matt's second year in this school and I can tell its going to be a long 4 years for me...dealing with her. She is constantly calling me because of Matt. About a month ago, she called me up to tell me that Matt had a stomachache and then she let him take a nap! Last year while the regular sore throat stuff was going around, she called me three times in one week! I had already brought him to the Dr and he didn't have strep, he didn't have a fever, yet she continued to call me! Now I understand that its better to be on the safe side, and no offense to my own child, but the kid knows how to manipulate adults. If he wants to be home for some reason, he knows all he has to do is go to the nurses' office and they'll call me to pick him up.

I don't know whats been wrong with me lately. I've been crying at the drop of a hat, and don't think I'm pms'ing. I feel like I'm not a worthy person, and a far from good enough mother. And btw, I did end up leaving Matthew at school. The nurse covered the two on his face with two huge bandaids! Don't know if she let him stay because I was putting up a big stink or if she knew I was right.

When I got home this morning, I called the Dr. office. They explained to me what the spots are supposed to look like and told me that , yes, they had needed to see Matthew to give a written diagnosis. So HA, NURSE LADY..... I WAS RIGHT AND YOU WERE WRONG!

In the meantime, the nurses probably think I'm the mother from hell. But dammit, I'm so sick of all the shit with them.

Forgot to mention

2005-04-25T18:52:00.000-07:00

Off subject, but because I'd been messing with trying to post wedding pics I almost forgot. Matt has chickenpox! Even with the vaccine he got them. A very mild case although its still extending his and my vacation by a few days! Its kinda nice though to recover from last week and all the wedding stuff.

Speaking of the wedding, there will be more stories to come!

Jen's Wedding!

2005-04-25T14:45:00.000-07:00

It was just beautiful! Of course, it literally poured all day long, but I know rain is supposed to be good luck, so its ok. Jen was sooo nervous, but so gorgeous! Lisa and I had spend hours the day before setting up the few things at the hall that Jen wanted "just right". The ceremony went off without a hitch... the groom didn't puke/pass out/take off....which was a good thing! LOL The ring bearer and flowergirl...who happened to be my Miss Molly and my nephew Russell did wonderfully! I didn't forget to adjust Jen's gown, which was my major worry, and Roman managed to say "I do" without thinking about it! I did cry, which isn't a bad thing, because I was soo soo happy for them!

The reception was great. The courses came out a bit too slow.......fruit with mango sauce, salad, pasta, sorbet with champagne and then the main course, which was either filet mignon, duck, or salmon. As soon as we were done eating the dancing began! Oh, and I was stressing majorly about a speech, and got thrown a little when they announced I was saying it first, since I didn't have anything planned, but I think I made sense! At times everyone was on the dance floor and the majority of the time the floor was packed. We had "props" passed out.... hats, shakers, glow necklaces... it was great! The chocolate extravaganza was revealed and everyone was too stuffed to eat it, but it was a sight to see! Tons and tons of desserts, along with a chocolate fountain with strawberries, oreos, marshmallows and pretzels. Along with the open bar...can't beat it! lol

It was alot of fun...and yesterday they headed off to California, Las Vegas, and Hawaii for their honeymoon. (Oh, and I think I looked darn good myself! ;)

More pictures to come, if I've even posted them correctly! lol

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The Wedding Party.... look how happy we all look!

only 2 more days!!

2005-04-21T12:23:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited for my sister, Jen! Two more days and she'll be married. I've been so busy lately, I haven't been to bed the last three nights before 3 AM!! Making the favors, making bows since I'm lucky enough to know how. Helping Jen shop for her honeymoon since she's so overwhelmed by now. Fielding calls from family members, since she's so stressed.

I still have so much to do. I shouldn't even be on the computer right now, but kinda needed a few minutes break from all the running around. I'll be headed up to the reception hall tonight to help set up table centerpieces. I still need to pack my bag for tomorrow night since I'll be staying in a hotel with Jen and Lisa. And I need to pack for the kids for Saturday night since we'll be staying at a hotel near the reception hall after the reception. Still need to buy shoes for the boys and Molly and find something to wear for the rehearsal dinner.

Jen and Roman just a few weeks ago got their engagement pictures taken, and Jen sent me the link to check them out. I bawled my eyes out!! LOL I'm just so happy that they are happy, ya know what I mean? I keep forgetting about one thing that I need to "research" so to speak. I need to give a toast and don't have a clue what to say! I thought about going the "funny" route, but that wouldn't work since I'm not funny. So I'll probably go the "sentimental route", but don't want it to be too sappy, plus I'll cry my eyes out regardless so I'm thinking short and sweet. I don't know, I'll think of something.

Anyway, just wanted to check in...gotta get back to doing my stuff. I probably won't get another chance to post before Saturday so wish me luck that I don't lose a shoe or something!!!!

Not enough time

2005-04-13T19:20:00.000-07:00

There just aren't enough hours in the day, thats what it comes down to. I haven't posted since what, Saturday? And no time to do it. This is the first time I've even been on the computer for more than 5 minutes since I think possibly Monday. But I've got quite a bit of catching up to do, so here I go.

Saturday night... the bachelorette party! It was so much fun! I looked totally hot, and Jen looked even hotter. She wore this teal colored shirt, low cut and the whole bottom part of the shirt was see-through. Very tasteful though. I'm hoping for more time to work on the pictures, because I really want to post some. We met up with 4 other girls and almost everyone that I hadn't met already kept commenting how Jen and I look like twins. I take that as a complete compliment because I've always liked how Jen looks, and for people to say that I look like her made me feel so good! We never ended up going to the dance club thats at the casino because Jen was coaxed into drinking too many shots, but we hit the slots for a short while, and I actually won money! $125! I NEVER win money. Never. So I was very excited to see 450 quarters fall out of the slot machine. We stayed at a hotel near the casino and taking the shuttle to the casino at the beginning of the night we ended up riding with a bachelor party. All good looking guys from NYC. On the way back to the hotel (@3:30am!) we were waiting for a taxi and started chatting with a few guys that were also waiting for a taxi and going to the same hotel. They also happened to be there for a bachelor party and came from NYC, but not the same group of guys. We were chitchatting and Jen asked one guy what he did for a living. He was hesitant to say, but finally said he worked for Morgan Stanley. We just left it at that, but the first thing that popped into my mind was that Morgan Stanley was in the World Trade Center. It made me think that in some way he was involved, or had lost some co-workers or something. Since he was so hesitant to say I felt really bad that we had asked. Just very sad. Anyway, that conversation stood out in my mind.

We're coming down to the wire for the wedding. 10 days and counting! My sister is irritable, probably from nerves and stress. Most details are taken care of but this weekend we need to make 400 truffles for the favors so that should be fun. LOL I went to get my dress altered today and it was huge on me! They pinned the front, the sides, the back. Many, many inches. I asked her how many sizes she thought were being taken out, and she guestimated 2 1/2-3 sizes! Thats major! lol It felt so good! Lately I've been getting comments left and right on how I look and while it feels wonderful I almost feel undeserving. I mean, yeah, I look better, I'll admit that, but I don't think I look great. Its a self image thing..... I still see the "old me" with glimpses once in awhile of the "new me".

Until after the 23th my posts will most likely be far and few between, but hopefully I'll be back after all this wedding stuff is over.

Just blabber

2005-04-09T10:09:00.000-07:00

Just blabbering today. Quite a few things going on. I had WW today and stayed the same, then brought the kids to the twice-cancelled "rock hunt". It was just for the older kids but they had such a great time! The weather actually cooperated and the kids actually behaved. I ran into a old friend from high school and got to chatting with her. Turns out she has her own business doing scrapbooking parties. As soon as the wedding is over I'm going to have a party. Its been quite awhile since I've done any scrapbooking but I think it would be a good party to have. I can't wait!

Finally after listening to Jack Johnson at Jen's house I picked up his CD. For some odd reason Chris doesn't like it, and I love it, so its been going everywhere with me...in the car, to the tanning salon, and then back into the house when he's not home. I've even got the kids singing along to it. One of his songs.."Better Together" is Jen and Roman's special song. They're even dancing to it at their wedding. Just listening to the words brings tears to my eyes. I'm going to be a sobbing mess at their wedding!

Tonight is the bachelorette party! I'm getting the house all picked up and laundry done so that everything is set when I leave. We're going to the Mohegan Sun and staying at a nearby hotel. Maybe I can win some money on the slots...lol

I've been getting a little overwhelmed with the expenses for the wedding. I've been trying to do a little at a time, but knowing we only have 2 WEEKS LEFT is putting me a bit over the edge. Can you believe it would cost me almost $100 to get my hair styled ? I still need to get it cut and highlighted too. Dress alterations this Wednesday...another almost $100. Molly's dress, her shoes, and all the other kids' clothes and shoes. Wedding gift and the party tonight. Looks like I'm investing alot into this. Which I don't mind doing in the least except there are so many other things the money could have gone to. Emilie has been very picky about what dress she wants to wear. She wants a long dress. With a full skirt that will "swirl". I thought I hit the jackpot when I found one at Storybook Heirlooms for a good price. Ordered it and we got it yesterday. But...its too big! Pretty soon I'm going to resort to having her wear jeans and a t shirt! lol

Anyway, I'm rambling as usual. I'm on Chris' laptop since our keyboard to the computer crapped out on us and I haven't bought a new one yet. Not used to the whole setup of it. Basically the same, but ya know, still different.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Wanna be me?

2005-04-07T19:11:00.000-07:00

I'm sick. Majorly sick with stuffy nose, sneezing, coughing....yuck. And...I'm PMS'ing. Great combo, eh?

I'm bitchy and I can't help it! It sucks, but I'm still hoping to have a kick-ass time this weekend at the casino for Jen's bachelorette party. Me and my cleavage-showing shirt. Even though there's not much left ;)

Have a great weekend everyone!

Spring!!

2005-04-05T08:58:00.000-07:00

I think spring has finally come a'knocking! Its so wonderful to feel the warmth of the sun on my arms. To weed my garden. To watch the kids play in the backyard without mittens on! To have daylight left after work. Makes me feel like singing. Makes me wish there were 36 hours in a day to get done all I need to get done.

Because of the time change, I keep forgetting how late it gets. I didn't feed my kids dinner last night until 7pm, and thats late around here. It'll take awhile to adjust.

Nothing much new around here. As I mentioned I've been weeding out my flower beds in the front yard. All my bulbs are starting to pop out of the ground. My tulips look strange though... not sure if moles or whatnot have eaten some of the bulbs? If they even do that? Or if the bulbs divide? I've got alot more shoots this year than I had last and they're teeny tiny so far. Last year only about half of my bulbs bloomed, but I think I read somewhere that sometimes they skip a year. Its something I'll have to research since I don't know much about perennials. I'd ask for advice, but I know I wouldn't get any ;)

My skin now sports a light golden tan. I tell ya though, I'll never make a habit of going to a tanning salon. It'll be worth it though, not to have white skin while wearing that strapless dress in a few weeks. lol Jen's bachelorette party is this weekend, and her and I are going to shopping tomorrow to find some *sexy* clothes to wear. I'm really looking forward to this weekend....out and about to feel young again, even though technically I still am. Out without the kids! Possibly the deciding factor :)

The kids have been outside so much! Mostly playing in the mud, but hey, whatever works. Its getting harder for them to do their homework, since they can be outside till after dinner.

Oh, and something I forgot to mention. Something I cannot (no matter how much I try) forget. Tomorrow I will be signing Molly up for Kindergarten!! My BABY is going to kindergarten. How unfair is that?? Of course, in some way I'm looking forward to next school year. No more preschool tuition, and I get the whole day, most of the day anyway, to myself. This has been a long time in the making. Although I've had some free mornings, this will be the first time in 12 years that I'll have 5 days a week with no kids. Don't get me wrong... I love my kids to death, but my Miss Molly in particular, since she's the only one not in full-time school, is a smart little cookie. If she was in kindergarten this year she'd be okay. She's not being challenged enough in preschool, so I know she's totally ready. But am I ready? I'm sure I'll get used to it soon enough. Anyways.......

I'm off to clean the house! Hope everyone is enjoying the sun!

Talent show success

2005-04-02T09:36:00.000-08:00

After a very long week with tanning, working out, work, school, etc... Ryan was in a talent show last night! It was going to start at 7 pm and he needed to be there for 6:15. Chris was going to try to make it, although he wasn't sure if he could get out on time, and I had my Mom and sister going as well. Let me tell you though... it was fricken long! Mom and Jen left after the first half...which didn't end till 9pm! I thought it might go till 10 or 10:30 and the kids would stay awake, etc. Not true. We didn't leave there until 11pm! Ryan's act was really cute though. His class did cotton eye joe! So by the end, I had Molly sleeping on my lap, Matthew sleeping in his seat and there was only one of me! Ryan was sitting with his class in the front so with Molly sleeping on me, I couldn't just go down to get him... I had to wait. It wasn't too bad, but by the time I woke up Matthew and got us all out to the car and came home, we were exhausted! Chris didn't even ATTEMPT to come down, which pissed me off and then as soon as I got home, he told me he was going to bed! Sorry about the ongoing paragraph...for some reason I can't skip a line. So that was our day... a very long one, but well worth it. The kids and I woke up late this morning for WW, but managed to get there on time. I'm also actually starting to look tan! I've been going 3 times a week and I can tell that I'm no longer white. Ryan got into trouble again at school and ended up spending all day in the planning room... basically an inschool suspension. For calling a teacher an idiot. I don't condone him calling the teacher that but the punishment seemed a little harsh to me. I mean, its not like he called her a swear or something. He knows he can't act that way, its just the impulse problem. Again, something we're working on. Not much else going on around here. Tonight is the 2nd family dinner and we're going to my brother Russ' house. His wife Cherie doesn't know if they're making something or ordering pizza, but regardless its going to be alot of fun! We'll see if there's more bashing of me again! All good-natured but still kinda annoying. Oh, I found some shoes for the wedding! Strappy sparkling ones. Kinda worried about the strap around the ankle since I tend to swell in the legs and feet, but I think if I can keep my water intake going , that it'll all be ok. And I need to make an appt to get my dress altered. Possibly for next week. Gosh- this wedding stuff is coming up so quick....3 weeks from today! I'm getting so nervous and I'm not even the bride! Okay, enough rambling from me...... hope everyone has a great weekend!

I try so hard

2005-03-29T19:06:00.000-08:00

I've come to a conclusion, but don't know why its taken me so long. I've come to the realization that I'M NOT FUNNY. I try to be funny, and I'm not. Even when I don't try, I'm not.

Last months family dinner here at my house was so much fun. After dinner while the kids played in the basement, my siblings and I sat in the livingroom just chatting. Talking about our childhood(we lived in this house) and what memorable things happened. Alot about me came up. How I would fight with my siblings, how I've thrown a bowl of chili across the room, about how I breastfed Molly until she was almost 3 years old, and everyone had a great laugh, including myself. Then I try to throw a little humor into it. I say something that I feel is very witty and amusing. And NO ONE LAUGHS. I laughed...but I was the only one, and I thought what I said was funny.

Maybe I'm trying too hard ;) I guess I'm not a funny kinda person. I can joke about how I'm not funny, and THEN everyone will laugh.

I don't write well either. Again, I try to be funny, and folks, it just doesn't happen! I'm not being down about myself, so don't worry about that, but its just been something I've been thinking about, since this weekend is the 2nd family dinner.

I want SO BAD to be funny! LOL See, I think thats funny! I want to make people laugh, I want people to be interested in what I have to say. And they are, I suppose, at times, but...maybe I wasn't meant to be a funny person. Heck, who knows! Possibly it stems from being a shy child and teenager?

Anyway, not much going on around here. Wrote a post yesterday, but damn blogger wouldn't publish it. Yesterday was crazy....literally running around all day! Tomorrow is my 2nd day of tanning, and for some reason I tend to schedule things at the same time. So, when I pull into the parking lot for tanning, I should also be pulling into the parking lot to get my oil changed. Need to do something about that in the morning.

Tomorrow's Wednesday.... yay for being half-way through the work week!

Have a great day!

My dress!

2005-03-26T22:37:00.000-08:00

My matron of honor dress came in the other day and today Jen picked it up. I'm happy to say its too big! Its hanging off of me... its so exciting! And I look so pretty, if I do say so myself ;)

Weigh-in went well this week.... check out my weightloss blog to read about it!

Well, the Easter Bunny just finished his work ;) No help this year either...Chris is snoring on the couch! I'm hoping the kids let me sleep in...lol

Hope everyone has a Happy Easter!

TGIF!

2005-03-25T08:49:00.000-08:00

Where do I start? Let's see..... Molly's been sick with either a virus or something yet to be determined. A high fever with a little bit of a cough. Highest so far has been 104 degrees. That number in itself would probably freak me out, but I'm used to the whole "virus" thing. All the kids have gone through it and at times its been really scary. Anyway, I'm giving her today to see how she is, and then I'll bring her to the Dr's. The worst thing about her being sick is that she won't take meds. We literally need to force it down her throat. Last night I had her in bed with me to keep an eye on her, and she was so hot! Her little body was twitching and she was talking in her sleep. That's when I woke her up and had to force the meds down her throat. Ever since Ryan had a febrile seizure when he was 5, I get nervous about it all.

Anyway, I've been looking at my other options for posting pictures. Does anyone know if there's a way to post pictures without having them hosted or whatever its called? I know there's a way I can code it into my post, but don't know if my pictures are in a place that it can be done...if that makes any sense...lol

This morning there was a old folks' rock hunt for the older kids. Since I was up till 2:30 am writing and printing up a paper for Chris for work, I woke up late. We all ran around crazy getting clothes on and trying to get out the door on time. We get all the way there, and it was cancelled! Turns out the recent snowstorm made it too snowy/icy/muddy to actually have a hunt. Rain date next Saturday. Hopefully we won't get more snow this week! lol

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Big news

2005-03-23T19:54:00.000-08:00

I forgot to mention, because I was all phyched on how well the shower went, that the B.A. MOVED!! The kids and I got 2 days notice on it. But I have to say I'm very glad. And of course, I just spent the last 20 minutes writing a post on it, that poof! disappeared. Go figure.

So he moved very far away. North Carolina. Far enough away for the kids to only see him once a year. Of course the B.A. wants them a month every summer, and I don't think I can manage to be separated from them for that long, but I'm not worrying about it right now. I've already let the B.A. and the kids know that they will see each other, so not to worry. But, secretly I'm hoping he disappears and never comes back. Selfish of me, I know, but I truly believe that would be the best thing for the kids.

In the meantime, I'm hoping things can get back to being a little bit more normal around here than they had been. I'm hoping Ryan's attitude calms down a bit and that things can kind of be how they used to be. Thats all I want. All the rest I'll deal with when I have to.

What a week!

2005-03-21T16:42:00.000-08:00

This past week has been a long-ass week. I spent all week dodging Jen when she wanted to go to the gym or get together. I spent all week making chocolate roses and sunflowers. I gained 2 pounds by eating those little chocolate disks that are used in the chocolate molds.

I have my camera, I have pictures to post, but HELLO isn't working for me! Keeps telling me I need to reinstall and I have but it still isn't working. I'm going to hopefully figure it out tonight, because now that I CAN post pictures, I want to!

Jen's bridal shower was yesterday and went great! Because I spent all week getting ready for the shower and only thing I had to write about was the shower. But since Jen has been known to visit this site, I didn't want to take any chances writing something about the preparations. I must tell all about it now though....

Jen was actually surprised. She had a teeny weeny idea. She had been planning to go to NY to visit Roman (her fiancee) and when my Mom and I found out about it, we had to come up with a good reason to keep her in CT! I had to call Roman to have him come home for the weekend, and so thats why she suspected. But, we had an awesome turnout...almost everyone who was invited came! We had 4 lunch choices and all were very good. We only played a round of Mad Libs because everyone was talking so much, which was also good. The cake was sooo delicious! My Mom and I had made the chocolate flowers and put them in baskets with foam and "fake grass" on top....they were so cute! She received many nice gifts and loved her shower!

So, thank goodness thats over with! Now the only thing we need to worry about is the wedding. My dress should be coming in within the next week or so, and Jen has almost everything done. Lisa, the other bridesmaid, and I have been cornered into making the favors. All I'm going to say about that one is that its food, and we need to make a couple hundred! Piece of cake, right? lol

Anyway, in another 3 weeks we're all going out to the casino and renting a few hotel rooms for the night for Jen's bachalorette party. That should be a blast! I need to buy some new clothes for that. Oh, and get this..... at the shower, Jen's co-workers, from a distance, thought I was Jen! I took that as a very big compliment!

K, if anyone still reads this, since I've been gone for awhile, I'll hopefully get to post some pics very very soon! Hope everyone has a great week!

Matthew's conference

2005-03-14T15:40:00.000-08:00

I had Matthew's conference with his teacher today and it went really well! He's right on track with everything. Numbers, writing, reading...everything! I feel sooo much better about this year than last year. Its all meshing with him this year. He's where he's supposed to be academically and socially. He's not struggling at all. I'm so happy we made the decision for him to repeat Kindergarten. Its just all coming together, and it makes me so happy to see my little boy happy.

Matthew's little baby tooth is getting looser and looser. He's gotten used to the wiggly feeling, and wiggles it practically all day long to make it even looser. He keeps saying he wants to bite into an apple to pull it out, and I keep reminding him it just needs to be a bit looser! He's so excited and anxious to pull it out now!

Molly starts a class at the Rec Center tomorrow. Ooey,gooey. Thats what its called. For 4-5 yr olds that get taught to make "interesting" concoctions. Tell me I'm not making a mistake! lol I also signed Matt up for "silly scientists" which is the same basic concept, and Ryan and Emi also wanted to do the same class, but an older version. So within all the next few weeks my wonderful children will be able to concoct who knows what. Something I know they'll attempt at home! What have I gotten myself into!?!?!

Anyway..... I spent all morning on Sunday researching digital cameras and prices, etc. I think I did a good job...I hope so anyway. I'll be getting my new camera soon! I can't wait to take pictures.

Next up is a new computer desk, and bunkbeds for the girls. And keeping money in savings. My siblings and I are starting plans to vacation next summer in Myrtle Beach! 8 adults, 6 kids. We're hoping to rent a beach house....I can't wait! I'm just hoping that we can all survive in each others company for an entire week! ;)

This week will be busy with final preparations for Jen's shower. I'll be around, but hope everyone has a great week!!

Had a post

2005-03-12T08:13:00.000-08:00

I just wrote a damn post. I'm really hating blogger right now. I don't have the time to write one right now again.

But anyway, it was about Matthew getting his first loose tooth, and about how practically NO ONE has RSVP'd to Jen's shower! And its pissing me off!

And how I'm buying my digital camera this week but don't know what to look for. Can anyone offer any suggestions? I'm trying not to go over $250.

I'll write more later. Hope everyone's having a great weekend!

Its been awhile

2005-03-08T09:13:00.000-08:00

I didn't realize till this morning that its been an entire week since I posted! I did think about posting last night but there's not much going on.

I don't have enough time for things. Its quite ironic really. I actually have money, but no time to go spend it. I want to, but actually NEED to buy myself some new clothes. Just a few pieces to get me through till summer. I own one pair of jeans that actually fit, and all the others hang off my ass and the crotch hangs practically to my knees! My alas, no time. I tried going to the mall this morning, but had Molly with me. Didn't go over with her too well, so left empty-handed. I spent this past Sunday at the mall too, looking for a dress for my Mom for the wedding. Spent 5 hours there, and again, left with nothing.

I still need to get something pretty to wear to Jen's bridal shower, along with something for both the girls. Need to find a dress for Emilie for the wedding, and still searching, LAST MINUTE, with Jen for a flowergirl dress for Molly. Obviously still need to get the boys' clothes for the wedding too.

Nevermind spring should be here soon and the kids have absolutely nothing. Need to think about summer clothes for them too. And with 4 kids its takes me awhile to find good deals. In 4 different sizes, no less.

And last but not least, I'm buying myself a digital camera. When I have the time to go out and get one. Chris and I live about 20 years back. We have a computer, but thats about it. No printer, although he won one in Vegas so we'll be getting that soon. No cellphones, but might get some in the fall, and no digital camera! So dammit, I'm buying myself a digital camera!

Oh, and watch out. Because when I finally get the camera, I'll be posting pictures ALL THE TIME! lol

Hope everyone has a great week!!

Can we all say "more snow"

2005-03-01T09:00:00.000-08:00

Its gettin' old. Its March for heavens sake! More snow last night.... lovely nor'easter flew through Ct again. Only 5 inches though...piece of cake to shovel!

Isn't there a phrase that goes something to the effect of "in like a lion, out like a lamb?" I fully expect the end of this month to be at least in the 50's! lol

Our town decided to have only a delay. Even though it was snowing up till 10 am and the majority of the roads were only plowed with no sand, we got to put our busdriving abilities to the test. It wasn't even fun. Too much responsibility. I made it through this morning without any accidents though. Thank goodness. I think we've used up all our snowdays. Anymore and they have to start tacking them on to the end of the year. As it is, we don't get out till the middle of June! Of course, I'll be bitching and moaning about that too. lol

Ryan goes to counseling tonight where I'm going to be bringing up the incident about the gun. His counselor(she's actually a student doc) will be referring him to an outside phychologist(sp?) because where he's going now, the wait is 6 months, and obviously we're not waiting that long.

We did our income tax return last week and thanks to the 4 kids factor, it'll be a nice sum of money! I can't wait! Pay off bills, buy some clothes, pay for my bridesmaid dress and bridal shower. Its going to be gone before we know it!

Yesterday Matt had to have a tooth pulled. It was a filled cavity that absessed. Not happy about it, although that kind of thing doesn't usually happen. I can't wait till he starts getting his permanent teeth! He's 6 and hasn't lost any yet.

Anyway, I should get some housework done while I'm home. Hope everyone has a great week!

Its the weekend!

2005-02-26T10:34:00.000-08:00

Had a good weigh-in this week! Go here to read about it!

This week sure has been a long one. My previous post about my airport experience has me cringing. I couldn't stop laughing about it on Thursday night, and now I go to my blog, and say "what was I thinking? That was soo gross!" LOL Anyway, I'm leaving it up though, to remind myself what not to write about!

We're on the 2nd Saturday of having Ryan and Emilie home, and while I'm glad they're not with the B.A., its strange having them here. Ryan's been having a hard time keeping his hands to himself, and I'm really starting to resent having to deal with it. I mean, I love my kids to death! Ryan is an especially challenging child though. There's something going on with him that I need to get figured out pronto. This morning, he's been swearing at me, throwing things at his siblings, and then when I sat him down with me at the table, he drew this upsetting, disturbing picture of himself and I, with him holding a gun up to me! This scares me! I second guess myself at my parenting abilities, and yet wonder where his behaviors are coming from. The other kids aren't like this. I know that every child is different, and I shouldn't compare, but how can I not? What am I doing wrong? Why is he feeling this way? I'm becoming more and more concerned the closer he gets to being a teenager. His behavior isn't a new thing. He's going to counseling for it. He's going to be referred to see someone else. He's presenting more ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) signs than ADHD. More often than not though, they go hand in hand. The B.A. has ADHD and he told me while at court last week that bipolar disorders also run in his family. I just want to make Ryan well again. I hate to admit this, but its dealing with Ryan that makes me so frustrated. Kids aren't perfect, thats for sure, but I just don't feel like I can keep doing this. The older he gets, the stronger he gets. He was suspended from school last week for twisting a kids arm behind his back. He knew it was wrong, but impulsively did it. He regrets it after the fact, but doesn't think before he acts. He's been arrested. He hasn't done these things because he's learned them from us.I can't help but wonder what people think of me as a mother. I care so damn much what happens to my kids, and how they act, and I'm doing all I can at the moment to handle the situation. But do other parents think that I encourage him to act this way? Do they think that I treat him this way, and thats why he treats others badly?

These days no punishments are acceptable. You can't put soap in your childs mouth for swearing. Forget spanking. We've already been involved in D.C.S. because 2 years ago Ryan told his teacher at school that Chris hits him with a belt. We've never even threatened to hit him with a belt. I was hit with a belt as a child, and refuse to punish my kids that way. But, regardless, they take the child's word for it, and have to report it. They were involved with our lives for a year. But the power he now knows he can hold over us! I punish my kids up and down. We take away toys, take away everything from the t.v. to the computer, to yu gi oh cards, to gameboys. They get b-day parties taken away from them. They're held responsible for their actions. I don't know what more I can do. There are good days, but the bad days outweigh the good. And then on top of it, I'm handling it most of the time on my own. Because of Chris' schedule, I'm the main parent doing all this. It gets so overwhelming. Is it no wonder that when I'm PMS'ing that I crumble?

I didn't mean to write all this, but so be it. I obviously needed to get it all out. I'm not a bad mother, I know I'm not. And I guess some would say that "God wouldn't give us more than we could handle". But, damn, no one ever told me parenting would be this hard.

A quick trip to the airport

2005-02-24T20:46:00.000-08:00

It should have been that easy. Chris' flight from Vegas was coming in tonight at 6pm. I figure it was perfect timing..... if I could keep the little ones awake on the way there, they'd fall asleep on the way home. If I didn't run into any traffic I could make it home for Survivor, The Apprentice, and E.R. Perfect, I thought.

I should have known better.

The first that should have clued me in was while on the phone with my brother. I was setting up things for watching my nephews tomorrow, and I mention I'm driving to pick Chris up. I get from him "don't you know its supposed to start snowing anytime now?" "Yeah, well, I'm sure it won't be that bad" I tell him. I didn't even know it was going to snow!

Second thing.....Chris calls me from his layover in Maryland to tell me that his flight is running an hour late, due to the snow, and having to de-ice the plane, etc. He'll be arriving at 7pm. Still not a problem...I can make it back in time for my favorite shows.

Have I told you how much I hate going to the airport? Well, I do. The kids and I pile into the car with time to get gas and coffee. First mistake....coffee. A woman who has had 4 kids and doesn't practice her kegels should not drink coffee unless close to a bathroom. Even before we got to the airport, I had to go. But... we were running on time, and if timed right, Chris would be walking out of the airport as I pulled up. So, now its snowing, I have to pee, and I find the right place to park in front where the signs say "No parking, no waiting...yada yada yada" And I wait. The security guard comes my way and tells me I need to circle around. I circle back around, getting oh so lucky to find another parking spot, and we wait. And wait. And wait. For over 1 goddamn hour we wait~! By this point I've assumed that Chris' flight was delayed yet again. I'm squirming in my seat because I have to pee so bad. The kids are fighting about the gameboy and Matt is whining that he has to pee! But see, I'm handy like that. I just happen to have a bottle that I whip out for him to go in. But can I do that? Nooooooooo... I'm lucky enough to be a girl!

So I'm looking into the airport windows (from my car) and noticing there are people by the baggage return. And I'm thinking... okay, I'm praying that its Chris' flight. But here comes the good 'ol security guard again. "Ma'am, you need to circle around" Darn, I was so close to leaving!

Okay, ready for TMI??? I circled back around but because I had to PEE so bad, I wasn't paying attention, and with the snow and all, I went to the terminal B waiting area. I figured it out fast enough though because it was deserted! Perfect. I couldn't wait any longer. I had debated in my head whether it was worth it to go park in the parking lot and take all the kids out (in the snow!) to go inside to pee. But that would be when Chris would come out. So anyway, I pulled over to the side of the vacant terminal B, threw open the door, emptied my coffee cup, and did it. You know how hard it is for a girl to pee sitting down? Its one thing to squat on the ground and do it, but I really didn't have any options. Needless to say, I didn't get it all in the cup! LOL So, now I'm sitting in wet jeans in my wet seat driving around to the proper "waiting" area for find Chris. By this time it was 8:30! Yup, missed Survivor.

Turns out, right as I drove back Chris came out the door and flagged me down. He had been in that group of people waiting for their luggage! I missed him by 30 seconds!

We finally headed home. By this point the roads were horrible and we still needed to get Chris' car from the commuter lot. I hate driving in the snow! It took us almost 2 hours to get home, and by the time we got to the commuter lot, I had to go again. This time I angled the car so I could go outside. In the snow. Wearing wet jeans. I tell ya, I can't wait to do that again!

Got home at 10:30. I should have been home by 8pm. I missed all the shows except for the last 1/2 hour of E.R. Since we already had 3-4 inches of fluffy snow I decided to shovel. I'm nuts like that. Russ is bringing my nephews at 7:30 tomorrow morning, so I wanted to at least make it "not so deep" for him. And I'm just eating my dinner now. What a night!

Hope everyone has a wonderful Friday! (And sorry for the TMI, but I just had to write about it!lol)

2005-02-23T08:26:00.000-08:00

Now that I've gotten hello up and running again, I thought I'd post this. Myself and my nephew, Russell! He's 2 months younger than Molly, and he's the ringbearer in Jen's wedding...isn't he cute?

Back to our regularly scheduled program

2005-02-22T20:30:00.000-08:00

First of all, I would like to thank everyone who commented on my post for disappearing for awhile. I had a major case of overload and pms. And as much as I enjoy blogging, I needed to put myself and my family first and put this blog on the backburner for awhile. I would like to thank you also for all the well wishes for Christopher and his mom. Chris is doing much better today. He had a little scare with his blood count #'s yesterday that indicated rejection but he started improving and has started waking up a little more. He's improving more and more with each passing day. In the coming weeks a dinner benefit will be in the works for him and his family. Donation jars are being set up and all sorts of stuff being worked on. The support has been amazing!

Now on to stuff going on around here. I've completed day 1 of "hell". Which means Chris left for Las Vegas early this morning for work and won't be returning until Thursday night. While this in itself isn't a big deal, because I'm used to dealing with them on my own during the day, the nighttime/bedtime routine plain sucks. I'm normally wait for Chris to get home from work so he can help me settle them in for the night. Tonight I flew solo. And it wasn't so bad. Emilie is spending the night at a friends house so I only had to handle 3 kids. I managed to keep the little ones from napping in the car so they were ready to zonk. I had Matt and Molly in bed by 9pm, and turned off the t.v. Ryan read a book while I picked up, and he went to bed peacefully at 10pm. The only other thing about these few days is that I have no one family-wise to help out either. Mom is in South Carolina, Jen is working all week, and my brother and SIL have the hospital stuff to deal with.

A funny thing Molly said the other day. It was Saturday and her and I were making dinner, and I was waiting for Chris to get home. I wondered out loud where he was. And she said "well, maybe he got lost in Vegas" I started laughing and told her he wasn't going for a few more days ,and she still was concerned that he got "lost". Apparently, she thought it was Lost Vegas instead of Las Vegas!! She really can be too cute!

My supervisor at work watches Nanny911. Its funny because she's 40-something without any kids, yet went out of her way to help me set up a behavior chart. She bought posterboard, reward stickers and markers and crayons for each child to decorate their own chart. We have chores listed, a "rules" list and a "punishment" list. They get a sticker on their board for every day they do their chores and have to follow the rules. So far its going okay. I keep slipping up, but on the flipside, the older kids are basically doing their chores without me even asking. And if I have to remind them, they do them without complaint! The hardest part has been curbing the physical stuff. Hitting, throwing, kicking. I keep reminding myself that it didn't get this way in a day and its not going to be fixed in a day either. My kids are sweet kids though (if I do say so myself) and they really want to behave, and really, no child is perfect.

I think I've touched down on every subject tonight...lol The kids and I are home this week on winter break, so I might be around more often.

Hope everyone has a great Wednesday!

Surgery went well!

2005-02-20T21:03:00.000-08:00

Christopher made it through the surgery! No complications and everything went smoothly. His new liver started working right away. Although he's definitely not out of the woods yet, he's one step closer to making a full recovery.

As of this afternoon he still hasn't woken up yet. The surgery was completed around midnight last night and I guess they're slowly lowering the medication dosages he's been on, to slowly wake him up. He has been responding to touch though, so things are moving in the right direction!

Karen (his mom) is already up and out of bed walking around. Things went completely planned for her, and she'll make a complete recovery. We just gotta hope now that Christopher continues to improve. He still has a long road ahead of him, but he's made it this far!