Its the weekend!

Had a good weigh-in this week! Go here to read about it!

This week sure has been a long one. My previous post about my airport experience has me cringing. I couldn't stop laughing about it on Thursday night, and now I go to my blog, and say "what was I thinking? That was soo gross!" LOL Anyway, I'm leaving it up though, to remind myself what not to write about!

We're on the 2nd Saturday of having Ryan and Emilie home, and while I'm glad they're not with the B.A., its strange having them here. Ryan's been having a hard time keeping his hands to himself, and I'm really starting to resent having to deal with it. I mean, I love my kids to death! Ryan is an especially challenging child though. There's something going on with him that I need to get figured out pronto. This morning, he's been swearing at me, throwing things at his siblings, and then when I sat him down with me at the table, he drew this upsetting, disturbing picture of himself and I, with him holding a gun up to me! This scares me! I second guess myself at my parenting abilities, and yet wonder where his behaviors are coming from. The other kids aren't like this. I know that every child is different, and I shouldn't compare, but how can I not? What am I doing wrong? Why is he feeling this way? I'm becoming more and more concerned the closer he gets to being a teenager. His behavior isn't a new thing. He's going to counseling for it. He's going to be referred to see someone else. He's presenting more ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) signs than ADHD. More often than not though, they go hand in hand. The B.A. has ADHD and he told me while at court last week that bipolar disorders also run in his family. I just want to make Ryan well again. I hate to admit this, but its dealing with Ryan that makes me so frustrated. Kids aren't perfect, thats for sure, but I just don't feel like I can keep doing this. The older he gets, the stronger he gets. He was suspended from school last week for twisting a kids arm behind his back. He knew it was wrong, but impulsively did it. He regrets it after the fact, but doesn't think before he acts. He's been arrested. He hasn't done these things because he's learned them from us.I can't help but wonder what people think of me as a mother. I care so damn much what happens to my kids, and how they act, and I'm doing all I can at the moment to handle the situation. But do other parents think that I encourage him to act this way? Do they think that I treat him this way, and thats why he treats others badly?

These days no punishments are acceptable. You can't put soap in your childs mouth for swearing. Forget spanking. We've already been involved in D.C.S. because 2 years ago Ryan told his teacher at school that Chris hits him with a belt. We've never even threatened to hit him with a belt. I was hit with a belt as a child, and refuse to punish my kids that way. But, regardless, they take the child's word for it, and have to report it. They were involved with our lives for a year. But the power he now knows he can hold over us! I punish my kids up and down. We take away toys, take away everything from the t.v. to the computer, to yu gi oh cards, to gameboys. They get b-day parties taken away from them. They're held responsible for their actions. I don't know what more I can do. There are good days, but the bad days outweigh the good. And then on top of it, I'm handling it most of the time on my own. Because of Chris' schedule, I'm the main parent doing all this. It gets so overwhelming. Is it no wonder that when I'm PMS'ing that I crumble?

I didn't mean to write all this, but so be it. I obviously needed to get it all out. I'm not a bad mother, I know I'm not. And I guess some would say that "God wouldn't give us more than we could handle". But, damn, no one ever told me parenting would be this hard.