weekend stuff

The picnic this weekend was a good time! We got to see lots of family we usually only see a handful of times a year. I didn't do so hot with points, but I'm back on track now.

There's something about the picnic that was hard though. My aunt(my uncle's wife) was diagnosed with cancer almost 2 years ago. Most of the time she's at the picnics, and I hate to say it, but its really difficult for me to handle. So, anyway, I haven't seen her since Memorial Day, and since then, she's gotten worse. When first diagnosed, she had suffered from a seizure and was rushed to the hospital for tests. The tests showed tumors on her brain and her lungs. Probably other places, but I can't remember. I don't know how long she was given to live, but she's been battling it. She's endured chemo and radiation...losing so much weight she looks anorexic. She's been wearing a wig for awhile now, and recently is very bloated in her face. It makes me so sad. My uncle who loves her very much has been taking care of her, and is essentially watching her die. I'm falling apart when I see her every few months. I don't know how he does it.

My aunt and her family are in denial. They still aren't admitting to themselves that she's slowly losing her life. My aunt doesn't want anyone to give up hope. And everyone's been hopeful, but things are getting worse. She's now losing her eyesight, along with having trouble walking. From what I understood this weekend, she has 1-2 months to live. She wants every measure taken to keep her alive should something happen, unless she's brain-dead.

I'm not good with death, but I know that no one is. My grandfather died over 4 years ago from a brain tumor. I was pregnant with Molly at the time, and flew down to Florida for his funeral. I grew up having him around me all the time... he was a huge part of my life. And even though I hadn't spent time with him in many years it impacted my life majorly. It took me a long time to not necessarily get over it, but to accept it. And I'm not as close to my aunt, and not a part of taking care of her, its still making me vulnerable. I don't know how I'm going to handle it.

I've sometimes felt that I want to die before others, so I don't have to go through the pain every time. I know that dying is a part of life, and that when I think this way I'm being selfish. But truly I don't want those I love going through the pain if I go first. I just don't know.

Anyway, I'm sorry for this sad post. Its really depressing, but I needed to get it out.