Stressed

I'm stressed. August is here, and the kids as well as I are ready for school. I just wrote a huge post about the biological asshole, hit a key, and poof, it was gone! It just added a little more stress to my morning. I'm pissed now! But I'm going to write it again, because I need to get it out of my system. I have to! I'm in a no win situation here and its killing me! But be forewarned, its long....


Every Saturday when the kids come home from their visitation with the biological asshole, I ask them how their day was. I'll ask them what they did, etc...stuff like that. Ryan informed me the other day, that while riding in the car, on numerous occassions, the asshole will tell him to shut up! Now, I'll admit, I've been known , once in awhile to say the exact same thing to my kids. I'm not proud of it, but I spend 12+ hours a day with them, so there comes a point in my day that I want some peace and quiet. But the asshole spends 6 hours a week with him! As far as I'm concerned, there's no excuse! While probing a little more into Ryan's mind, he told me that while in the car with the asshole and his "fiancee" (4th one, I might add!)...the two of them call me names! Apparently, IN FRONT OF MY KIDS, I've been called a bitch, a fuckin asshole, among other things! I'm pissed!

There's no excuse for it. I make a HUGE effort every week, to talk "nice" in front of the kids. I'm a very angry person when it comes to discussions about the asshole, but keep it limited to when the kids are in bed, and writing about it on here.

A couple of months ago, the kids told me that the asshole was telling them, that I was a "pain in his ass". At that point, I politely asked him to refrain from talking about me that way in front of them. Obviously, he hasn't!

So, what to do, what to do. Nothing can be done! That's probably why its bothering me so much! The court system wants whats "in the best interest of the children", but doesn't really follow through with that. Is it in the best interests of the kids to have to wait by the front window waiting for the asshole, with tears running down their face, because they realize he isn't going to show up? NOPE. Is it in the best interests of them to have the asshole cancel 14 times in a 12 month period? NOPE. I brought him to court to change visitation because he wasn't keeping with our "written agreement", and did the judge agree to change it? NOPE. She didn't see "sufficient evidence" to change it. Even though I had everything documented! How is it they want whats best for the kids?

My kids now have an unstable life. They go with someone who "loves them" every Saturday. This poor excuse for a human being doesn't love them enough to pay child support, nor to be able to keep a job. This asshole lives off of other people, and will always be that way. He owns 3 cars, had a brand new computer bought for him, doesn't have to pay bills, doesn't have to pay up for the kazoo for health insurance that MY HUSBAND is providing to the children he considers his own.

I'm just feeling very hopeless. I want to get a lawyer. Take away his rights. I don't care anymore about the $8000 in arreage he owes me for child support. I just want him gone. I can't understand how he can disappear for years , living his own life, while I care for them everyday, making sure what they need, they have. And how the courts are just eager to make a biological father a part of his kids life. He gets rights, where are mine? I don't have any choices. He can do what he pleases, and I can do nothing about it! He can waltz into their lives, as quickly as he left 8 years ago, and the court system is all for it! All I want to do is protect my kids, and they don't give a shit!

I know someday Ryan and Emi will see the asshole for who he really is. And I know I probably should have thought about all this before I got pregnant. All I can do now, is try to raise them the best I know how, and hope that the bad influence the asshole is giving them, won't make a difference in the end.

But, damn, this is going to be a LONG 9 years!