Sorry, have to bitch again.

Quitting is so good for you...blah,blah,blah. It'll get easier soon...blah,blah,blah. Don't worry about gaining weight...blah,blah,blah. No, you don't want a cigarette...blah,blah,blah.

I'm so glad that everyone I know is so supportive, but dammit, I don't know how much longer I can deal with this shit. Not really what everyone is saying, because its exactly what they should be saying, but I want to scream and yell. I know I need to quit, I know it'll eventually get easier, I know its healthier for me to gain a few pounds versus start smoking again. And I know that when I'm told I don't want a cigarette that I do indeed WANT that smoke, and telling me I don't want it, isn't going to take my mind off of it!!

Its getting easier. Only a little bit, but easier just the same. Today was my first Saturday smoke free. It was hard. The sun was shining, the breeze was nice and warm, and I was outside doing yardwork, and I just wanted to sit on my swing, light up and enjoy it all. But I couldn't and that pissed me off. I've been exhausted too. I'm ready for a nap by 4 pm, and by 9 pm, ready to crash for the night. Chris is pissing me off by eating in front of me, when I had a horrible f'ing weigh-in this morning and I'm trying to keep an eye on my points. Gained 3.8 pounds! If I keep going gaining like this, I'll gain back everything I've lost in no time. Granted, I ate late last night and I can hope at least half of it was water weight, but still. I was ready to quit my quit and go back to smoking after my weigh-in, and quit once I reach my goal weight. But I haven't. Yet. Its just so hard to do these two things at once. I didn't think it would be as hard as its been. I'm trying to be a good Mom to the kids, but everything they do just pisses me off. And I say that lovingly. I just don't deal with stress well. And what am I supposed to do to help me deal with it? I'm at a loss. Can't eat. Can't sleep. Can't smoke. Can't exactly run laps around the yard while they're in the house killing each other.

Gosh, I've done nothing but bitch and moan on this blog lately. I know it doesn't make for interesting reading these days, but one of these days, things will go back to normal. Even though normal is boring too. On my quitnet site, I did some reading on the patch, and addiction, and all sorts of good stuff like that. Did you know that the patch works better for men than for women? And that your metabolism slows down when you quit smoking? Just what I need since I'm trying to lose this last 30 pounds. Of course, there's the alternative. Cancer. I don't want that either. There's just no happy medium. I just hope my kids, the older ones at least, can remember how badly I'm struggling to quit when they're faced with the peer pressure of smoking.

And thats another thing. When I want to have a smoke, I just keep ranting about it. I refuse to take off the patch, and I refuse (so far) to buy a pack. I did have a drag off of my SIL's last night, and it tasted horrible. You'd think that would keep me on track. I was fine all the rest of last night after that, its just been today.

One of these days I'll write about something other than quitting smoking. I promise.

5 days, 18 hours, 42 seconds smoke free.115 cigarettes not smoked.
$22.50 and 21 hours of your life saved.