What a waste of time

I had yet another run-in with the B.A. today. In addition to it being a huge waste of time, it also affects me and the kids. Its not worth it. I need to learn to just walk away. But this jerk just gets my blood boiling!

Ever since I mentioned something to him 2 weeks ago about the court papers he filed without telling me, he's been steering clear. Which is totally okay with me, but at the same time, I think I should be able to at least have the opportunity to come into contact with him, in case I need to cancel or speak with him about the kids. He's been pulling up in the driveway and sitting there. Waiting for the kids to come out. I am very protective of my kids, and no matter who they're with, I like to have a general idea of where they'll be. I usually will ask the B.A. what the plans are for the day. Not to keep an eye on him, but to at least know where my kids will be. So, since he wasn't coming to the door this morning, I asked Emi to ask him what the plans were for today and let me know. She came back in the house and said that he didn't answer her and just said "get your brother now so we can go".

So, of course, I had to get my coat on, and go out in the pouring rain to ask him myself. And that was the only thing I asked. It apparently was enough for him. He had the window down and started yelling at me, telling me its wasn't my "damn business" what he was doing with HIS kids. He was pointing his finger in my face, yelling loud enough for the neighbors to hear, telling me I'm a bitch and need to shut the f*ck up! Then proceeded to tell me that I talk down to him and called me more names. In front of the kids.

This is where I should have walked away. But I didn't. I told him, like I've told him before, that its nothing personal about my question. I ask the same thing when my Mom or my sister has them. I was proud of myself though... I stayed calm. I told him he was setting a bad example for the kids, and there was no reason to talk to me that way.

I'm still standing there taking his shit when he tells me all I want is money for MYSELF! Saying that the kids wear the same clothes on the weekends for months so I must not have bought them anything. I tell him that $72/wk for 2 children is NOTHING, and that the childsupport is providing them a roof over their head, and clothes on their back, and heat , along with the food,etc. Us REAL parents know what raising children is all about. He doesn't. I also told him that I have a husband that works 50-60 hrs a week, and that I definitely don't use the childsupport on myself. And that maybe he should work more than 30 hrs a week and then he wouldn't be poor. God, what a waste of time and energy this was!

I'm sooo tired of defending myself. I don't have the willpower to walk away. I need to find the willpower to walk away. Ryan had told me not to "start anything" which I'm sure came out of the B.A.'s mouth. Emilie decided not to go. Ryan decided to still go. After he left I asked Emi why she didn't want to go. And it turns out the B.A. yells at them all the way back to his house! And complains about me to them! My poor kids! There's nothing I can do to stop this shit from happening to them. I tried not to start anything today, but just wanted to know where they'd be, at least in general. And the SOB started on me. I want to protect my kids, yet how can I? I'm in a losing situation here. I'm the kids primary caregiver, yet when Ryan and Emi are with the jerk, he does nothing but talk bad about me, and I'm the one that has to deal with them calling me the same names he calls me! I've gone to court, tried limiting the visitations times, and the judge just doesn't care. How can they say they want whats in the "best interest of the child" when they refuse to remedy a situation such as this one?

One of these days Ryan and Emi will know for themselves how he is. Until then I just keep my mouth shut around them, and have to wait for them to figure it out for themselves.

But, damn, its so hard!