Don't look at me the wrong way

Grrr..... I'm pms'ing, big time. Bad enough that I feel the whole world is against me. Bad enough where I need to bite my tongue or I'll say something I'll regret. (which I've already done!) Bad enough where I've thought about sitting on my hands to keep myself from sending emails. Its getting ridiculous. I know my hormones are going crazy, but at the same time, I also know the things I'm ranting and raving about really bother me, except I usually have the common sense to keep my mouth shut and my fingers off the keyboard.

I've been fighting with my sister lately. And in the last few days, because of my hormones, I've let the dam burst. I've cried so many tears my eyes hurt. So many things bother me. I really feel as if I don't have a sister anymore. I feel as if I'm being ridiculed at every turn. I can't seem to do anything right as a mother. Can't seem to make any "right" decisions. There are alot of things about the wedding that are bothering me, because of the other bridesmaid. Obviously there's nothing that can be done about it, but it still bothers me. And my sister doesn't see it. I don't need her to agree with me, just understand where I'm coming from. Try to understand why I might be feeling the way I am. And she just doesn't give a shit.

One of these decisions regards Ryan. As I've mentioned, he's going to an outpatient program to help him work through his agression/anger/suicide feelings and problems. The NP called me last week and asked me how I felt about medication. Told me the meds she would want to put Ryan on. Gave me detailed information about this medication. Answered all my questions. I told her I was going to talk to Chris, talk to Jen (since she's an R.N.) and research before I came to a decision. I know some people are anti-medication, but I'm not one of them. I'm not looking for a quick fix by any means. But... if it could help Ryan, for the short-term, then I feel I should consider it. It wouldn't be something he'd be on for the rest of his life, just for the near future. But I mentioned it to Jen, and she blew up at me! I know ultimately, its my decision, but I want input. I don't want to make the wrong decision. I'm afraid I'm going to make the wrong decision.

It just seems like since before the wedding, when she wanted things "just so", and we all did whatever she wanted, that its followed through to after the wedding. If someone doesn't agree with her, she has a fit. And her opinion makes a difference to me. But when I don't agree with her, such as this instance, she really makes me feel like shit. And right now, I hate her for that.

Otherwise, besides the pms'ing, I'm freaking out about housework. Which I guess is tied into the pms'ing ;) Chris' annual work picnic is in two weeks and we're expecting close to 60 people! While the picnic is outside, obviously people need to come into my house to use my bathroom. And I want to make a good impression. Which means I need to finish painting my baseboards in the livingroom, that was started last summer I think. I need to finish painting the kitchen~not done either! I need to get around to making the curtains for the kitchen. Get a steamcleaner so that the carpets are clean. Make sure the yard is pretty. I know I'm putting way too much stress on myself, but if I think of these things now, I won't be rushing around trying to get them done the day before.

And since I'm surely known for jumping subjects, I'll mention my gardens. Growing beautifully, of course. I have tiny baby tomatoes growing, and the yellow squash, cucumbers, carrots and cantalope are flourishing! But.... my flowers next to my back door? They are growing and blooming, but its kinda hard to see them under the PUMPKIN PLANTS!!!! Somehow seeds got in there, and I missed them while digging it up to plant the flowers. And these goddamn plants are huge! Already taking up half the area. I tried transplanting a couple smaller ones to a different area but they aren't doing so well. So the pumpkin plants will stay. I think I'll move the flowers instead. I'm hoping that we'll actually grow our own pumpkins for Halloween this year... that would be so cool!

Anyway, another long update. And I'm not even sure if anyone reads me anymore. But if you still hang around reading my boring details of life, I hope you have a great week!