Depression
So, I think I'm depressed. Actually I'm pretty certain I'm depressed. Not to the point where I want to hurt myself fortunately, but enough where its affecting everything about me. My self worth is nonexistent. I have no confidence. I feel like no one needs me, no one wants me around, no one cares. I feel because of this, its affecting my ability to stick to WW and lose this weight. Not blaming it, but its definitely a contribution.
I don't feel I can really talk to anyone about my problems. Or I can, but it doesn't get me anywhere. Nothing gets resolved in my head, and I can't let it go.
Take for instance when I was going through the shit with probate court because the BA (biological asshole) wanted to give up his parental rights. I was so afraid of making the right/wrong decision that I couldn't make one at all until the very end of it. Because of all the thoughts in my head I couldn't express clearly, I spent many nights crying myself to sleep. I remember thinking one night that I didn't want to be around anymore, except that I didn't want to leave the kids, especially with Chris.
My sister is another one. I feel I'm a giving person. I do things for people because I want to help and it makes me feel good. I don't expect anything back, but....I guess I do expect my sister to feel the same as I do. Wanting to make someone's life a little easier by helping out. So many times I've left my own house in shambles to help her pack to move.... not once but twice. I've left Chris home with the kids many nights to help her paint...into the wee hours of the morning. When she got married, I again spent many nights away from home to help her...into the wee hours of the morning. And while I know she appreciates my help, I want her to sometimes help me. She takes the kids, she's gone to school functions that I've been unable to attend, but when it comes down to it, she doesn't want to "waste too much time" helping others when she has her own stuff. Hello...she doesn't have kids and she only works 3 nights a week. I've asked her several times to help me organize my house. She throws it in my face, and tells me that I want her to come clean. I just need some help and direction. And I can't depend on her. I hate it.
Take my SIL's.... for New Years Eve they invited my sister and her husband over but not me. I was the only sibling not invited. I haven't spoke to them since Christmas, and the only reason I found out about it is because my sister asked if we were going, and we hadn't even been invited. Apparently because I was in a bad mood on Christmas and they didn't want me to "wreck the night". I'm just having a hard time dealing with my family, and even though I'm surrounded my family, I feel so alone.
And for the record, I know meds could help. At first I was trying to avoid them but at this point I just need to feel better. As soon as I find my phone book I'm calling to make an appt.
