Summer mugginess

I'm not a big fan of summer. I love fall and spring.... no extremes in the temps, ya know? Lately, here in southeastern Connecticut we've had no sun. Oh, only for 3 or so days though. I'm not complaining, because as we all know, when the sun's out, it gets hotter. But, it muggier than all hell. Today is another sticky day, although the temp is only lingering in the mid- seventies. Much preferable than sun, humidity, and in the 90's. More rain today and tomorrow, with hopefully (fingers crossed) big thunderboomers tomorrow night to bring in the coldfront. And then a beautiful weekend! And realizing I devoted an entire paragraph to the weather, you must see that I'm addicted to the weather!

Anyways..... Molly's birthday is this Saturday! My baby girl will be 5 years old! I'm a last minute planner though. Still no plans for her birthday. I'll obviously have something, probably just a family get together. But its hard every year because I don't want her birthday to be on the same day as our family's fourth of july picnic. We don't always have our picnics on the holiday. And then to top it off, I'm just so very unsure when to have it, because Ryan and Emilie will be spending their first overnight with the B.A. on Saturday night. And they don't want to miss Molly's party. So do I have it on Saturday and have the kids miss it, or do I have it on Sunday so that they'll be here? And its important to them, so still not sure what I'm going to do.

On another front, Chris and I have decided to put Ryan on meds. We're going to give it a shot. If it can help, I'd be selfish to deny him that chance. I'm not looking for everything to be perfect, and I realize its not going to "cure" him, but if it can help his moods, I have a responsibility as a mother (I feel) to give him a chance at normalcy. At this point he's been informally diagnosed with ODD. Oppositional Defiance Disorder. There's a possibility of bi-polar and depression thrown in there as well. But, being on the meds will kinda weed out what the problem is. He has so many different symptoms, its hard to say what its all originating from. So, we start and see where it takes us.

Crazyville around here. Kids fighting, fighting, fighting. With the rain for the last few days there haven't been many opportunities to go to the park or beach, so we've been homebound. I've been trying to take this opportunity to get the house back up to par, but this humidity is making everything sticky, so its hard to stay motivated. Better to do it now though, than one day before this huge picnic we're having!

Curtains, painting, cleaning. Need to start those things.

Ghost or fire hazard?

For the last few days we've gone without power in the master bedroom, one wall of the girls' room, the hallway and half the bathroom. It had happened quite a few months back as well. All of a sudden, the power goes out. Only in those select places though. We have a fuse box (I know, the horror!) and Chris has checked the fuses over and over again, but there's nothing wrong with them. The last time it happened, the power came back after 12 hours or so, and we haven't had anymore problems up until a few days ago.

The power went out and has stayed out until tonight. We have a call put out to an electrician and he'll be hopefully coming by tomorrow to check it out. The weird thing is this: tonight, not 5 minutes after calling the electrician back and leaving a message, Emilie calls out from bed "Mom, a ghost just turned on my light". Chris and I went running down the hall, because if her light is working that means our lights in our room are working too. And not just the lights, but we've been going without an A/C amd fans for the last few nights- and it sucks to sleep in this humidity with no air flowing!

So, chances are very high that its an electrical problem and not a ghost. And its scary knowing that its also a fire hazard. Something's going on with the wires, somewhere. My mom mentioned to me that the first time it happened, before we moved in, she had an electrician come look and couldn't find anything wrong. But there obviously is. My mom has been planning on getting the whole house rewired, and I think she needs to get that done a.s.a.p!

Don't look at me the wrong way

Grrr..... I'm pms'ing, big time. Bad enough that I feel the whole world is against me. Bad enough where I need to bite my tongue or I'll say something I'll regret. (which I've already done!) Bad enough where I've thought about sitting on my hands to keep myself from sending emails. Its getting ridiculous. I know my hormones are going crazy, but at the same time, I also know the things I'm ranting and raving about really bother me, except I usually have the common sense to keep my mouth shut and my fingers off the keyboard.

I've been fighting with my sister lately. And in the last few days, because of my hormones, I've let the dam burst. I've cried so many tears my eyes hurt. So many things bother me. I really feel as if I don't have a sister anymore. I feel as if I'm being ridiculed at every turn. I can't seem to do anything right as a mother. Can't seem to make any "right" decisions. There are alot of things about the wedding that are bothering me, because of the other bridesmaid. Obviously there's nothing that can be done about it, but it still bothers me. And my sister doesn't see it. I don't need her to agree with me, just understand where I'm coming from. Try to understand why I might be feeling the way I am. And she just doesn't give a shit.

One of these decisions regards Ryan. As I've mentioned, he's going to an outpatient program to help him work through his agression/anger/suicide feelings and problems. The NP called me last week and asked me how I felt about medication. Told me the meds she would want to put Ryan on. Gave me detailed information about this medication. Answered all my questions. I told her I was going to talk to Chris, talk to Jen (since she's an R.N.) and research before I came to a decision. I know some people are anti-medication, but I'm not one of them. I'm not looking for a quick fix by any means. But... if it could help Ryan, for the short-term, then I feel I should consider it. It wouldn't be something he'd be on for the rest of his life, just for the near future. But I mentioned it to Jen, and she blew up at me! I know ultimately, its my decision, but I want input. I don't want to make the wrong decision. I'm afraid I'm going to make the wrong decision.

It just seems like since before the wedding, when she wanted things "just so", and we all did whatever she wanted, that its followed through to after the wedding. If someone doesn't agree with her, she has a fit. And her opinion makes a difference to me. But when I don't agree with her, such as this instance, she really makes me feel like shit. And right now, I hate her for that.

Otherwise, besides the pms'ing, I'm freaking out about housework. Which I guess is tied into the pms'ing ;) Chris' annual work picnic is in two weeks and we're expecting close to 60 people! While the picnic is outside, obviously people need to come into my house to use my bathroom. And I want to make a good impression. Which means I need to finish painting my baseboards in the livingroom, that was started last summer I think. I need to finish painting the kitchen~not done either! I need to get around to making the curtains for the kitchen. Get a steamcleaner so that the carpets are clean. Make sure the yard is pretty. I know I'm putting way too much stress on myself, but if I think of these things now, I won't be rushing around trying to get them done the day before.

And since I'm surely known for jumping subjects, I'll mention my gardens. Growing beautifully, of course. I have tiny baby tomatoes growing, and the yellow squash, cucumbers, carrots and cantalope are flourishing! But.... my flowers next to my back door? They are growing and blooming, but its kinda hard to see them under the PUMPKIN PLANTS!!!! Somehow seeds got in there, and I missed them while digging it up to plant the flowers. And these goddamn plants are huge! Already taking up half the area. I tried transplanting a couple smaller ones to a different area but they aren't doing so well. So the pumpkin plants will stay. I think I'll move the flowers instead. I'm hoping that we'll actually grow our own pumpkins for Halloween this year... that would be so cool!

Anyway, another long update. And I'm not even sure if anyone reads me anymore. But if you still hang around reading my boring details of life, I hope you have a great week!

Beautiful day!

Such a gorgeous day today! Probably around 75-80 degrees with a lovely sea breeze. I actually slept in until 10 am. Well, technically I was awake by 7:30, but the kids had slept in as well, so I dozed on and off until finally dragging my ass out of bed at 10.

Matthew was invited to a friends house down the road, so he went there, which was nice. After Ryan was picked up, I walked down with the girls to join Matt and his friend in their pool. It was a good afternoon! At least we weren't sitting around on our first day of summer vacation anyway.

Had my work picnic tonight which was ok, but nothing to write home about. I'm not really friends with anyone that was there, so ended up entertaining the kids instead of socializing, but hey, it was free food...lol I even stayed within points even with all the cookout food and tons of dessert.

Came home, Ryan came home, and we went for a walk. Within the last month or two Matthew has mastered riding a two-wheeler and has been anticipating a bike ride. So off we went. Ryan stayed home (he likes a little downtime after his busy day) and Emilie and I walked while Matt and Molly rode their bikes. Walked all the way down to the beach, walked along the shore for awhile and walked home. The kids were probably mostly excited because I told them we could stop a the little town beach store we have. Its all about the candy! lol We did have a little dog follow us almost all the way home. You could tell he was well trained, but apparently didn't understand "go home". We lost him though :)

Came home, did baths and the little ones zonked in record time.

Day 1 of summer vacation was great! Now I just need to discipline myself to clean the house.

Day at Court

Finally I got this day over with! Tuesday morning I was so nervous, I literally felt as if I was going to get sick. Of course, it didn't help that at the same time I was having problems with Ryan at school. First I'll mention Ryan. Ryan had let me know a few weeks ago that he likes this certain girl in his class. And he also told me that he had told a few people in his class. During school on Monday, in gym class, they were playing dodge ball and a boy in his class that he doesn't get along with told him to cheer for this certain girl. Ryan was embarrassed and told this kid he was going to kill him. These days in the world we live in, obviously what he said falls into the "zero tolerance" category. So, this happened around 1pm. I was home, with the phone by my side until 2pm and there wasn't a call from the vice pricipal. I had a very busy afternoon, and didn't get home with the kids till almost 7 and there was a message from the vice pricipal telling me what happened and that he was suspending Ryan for the last 2 remaining days of school. I was pissed! And why didn't he call me right away!

Obviously Ryan saying that can't be tolerated, but at the same time, the last two days of school there was a step up day planned along with the class party and saying goodbye to classmates for the summer. Ryan didn't get to do any of that. Unfortunately, that alone is going to affect him for the entire summer, and I'll be the one dealing with that.

Fast forward to Tuesday morning. The vice pricipal calls me at 7 am to tell me what happened. He tells me that "his classmates were encouraging him to cheer for the other kids". Um, no. From what Ryan says, this boy was teasing him because he likes this girl. So, I get extremely upset on the phone and tell him that I feel the other party needs to be spoken to, because teasing is supposed to be against the rules. Plus, no one knows how Ryan said what he said. The vice pricipal basically took the word of the other student and not Ryan. Obviously I know what Ryan said can't be tolerated these days, but at the same time, they know he has problems and they know he's getting help for those problems. There could have been another way of dealing with this, considering it was the last few days of school. But basically the vice pricipal told me that if there aren't significant changes in how he acts, he may not be allowed to return to school in the fall!! Plus, in regards to this incident, I told the vice principal that Ryan has no way of following through with his threat, if it was a threat. Didn't matter. His school seems to have it in for him.

Anyway, court. We got there 10 minutes early for our meeting with my attorney. He shows up, we discuss the new details going on, and we wait for the B.A. to show up. Everyone is called into the courtroom, and yet, still no B.A.! There's roll call, we go back out to the hallway to wait for our turn with mediation and here comes the B.A. After he notices I have an attorney with me, he goes into defense mode. I ask him why he's late and he says he was running late (once again!) and that he can't find his attorney! WTF!? Well, we think he's bluffing and still to this point I feel he was. Because mediation called us, and even though the B.A. had filed pro se, he claims he was waiting for his attorney. So mediation gave him 1/2 hr to "find" him. We watch him go in and out of the elevator, in and out of the courtroom, on and off his cellphone. Obviously, he was bluffing. He felt threatened, and tried to obviously get someone at the last minute!

Finally mediation tells him that he filed pro se, and that we couldn't wait around forever, so how about meeting with me and my attorney and see if we can come up with an agreement. Well, the B.A. starts yelling about how he doesn't want to get screwed again, right in the middle of the hallway with people all around. He got so animated and loud that someone had to tell him to back off! He finally agreed to meet with mediation and my attorney, but refused to meet with me in the room. We came to an agreement too. We agreed to every other weekend, Saturdays from 9am, till Sunday 2 pm. He agreed to let me keep sole custody if I agreed to send him copies of any school papers, medical papers, etc. And we both have the 24 hr cancellation rule. Thank goodness. Now I just have to hope that he actually moves to NC next summer so I won't have to worry about sharing holidays. (although I've circled all his dates for the next year, and it does't conflict with any special days)

Its too bad really though. I felt like at times I was being regarded as the bad guy. As far as the state of Ct is concerned, it doesn't matter whats happened in the past. Doesn't matter that my little boy is quite possibly having problems because of his B.A.'s role of gliding in and out of his life. Doesn't matter that I don't want my children exposed to his wife, who had her children taken away by DCF. None of it matters. Time and time again at court, I was reminded by mediation that he could have gotten more visitation than we agreed to. Maybe I would have felt differently about all this if he had been in their lives all this time. But I don't feel a biological parent can be absent from his children's lives for 8 years and then suddenly have an interest in being a "co-parent" Something just isn't right about that.

People sometimes make me feel as if I'm a cold-hearted bitch, but thats not the case. I simply want to protect my children. I truly feel that this visitation is in the "best interest" of the kids, but I would need to "prove" it, and if I can't, HE gets all the rights. How screwed up is that, considering I'M the one thats taken care of them all these years?

Anyway, thats how it went. Again, in book form. Can't seem to write a short post anymore. Probably because I write so infrequently. But.....last day of school was today!! I'm free, free, free!

So, I'll try to be around more often. Either that, or quit all together. Only time will tell.

The story changes

When the B.A. came to pick up the kids this Saturday I went out to the car to speak to him. I asked him if he was planning on taking the kids to a movie because it was a movie I wanted to take all 4 kids to. You know, that lava girl movie.....something like that. So then I mentioned , very calmly, that I was hurt that he had filed the visitation papers without telling me. We have, or I should say, had a verbal agreement, that if either of us were to file papers, we would let the other one know. So he tries telling me how it was a last minute thing. And I said "B.A., you filed the papers the same time you filed the child support papers. The papers have the date on it, you know" So then he tries telling me that he didn't mention it to me because he didn't know when the court date was going to be. I told him it didn't matter when the date would be, it only mattered that he told me about it.

Obviously, I'm completely aware that he purposely didn't tell me about the papers, because he wanted it to be a "surprise". But then he tried to lie to me about it?

So then he tells me that what he wants has changed, and that we'd talk about it on Tuesday. And I asked him what. Apparently, he says he's living back up here until next summer (yeah,right!) to deal with some stuff going on with his father. And that he wants the kids every other weekend. I just told him I'd talk to him about it on Tuesday. Then I continued to tell him that "we need to come to an agreement. He needs to stop the power struggle in trying to get only what he wants. And that what he wants and what I want will need to be considered in making a decision. That it was what was best for the kids that counted. He agreed, but I know that this still isn't going to be easy.

I don't trust him. Plain and simple. I feel he's not good for the kids, in big doses, and that I need to protect my children. I'm feeling right now that I kinda don't need a lawyer, but he's half paid for already, and for all I know, the B.A. has some tricks up his sleeve. I wouldn't doubt it in the least. For now, I'm writing everything down. All the questions I have. All my concerns. All my ideas on how to "work with him" to come with an agreement.

And just cross my fingers, that come Tuesday, everything will be okay.

Life in pictures

Busy days all around. With the end of school coming, we've been non-stop go,go,go. Always a good thing, but its nice to have a little downtime as well. Here's a bit of whats been going on......in no specific order, because that would require brainpower....First, we've got Molly's final day of preschool...actually a little "graduation", but not formally with little hats and stuff...playing shy, of course, but my cutie pie all the same... Daddy was even able to come! MMatt had his "Author's tea" He made his own little book....written and illustrated, and although I had to miss it because of work, Chris was able to go. Matthew was very proud of himself! There was also Kindergarten Beach Day! What chaos! But so much fun! The kids technically weren't supposed to swim, but because of low tide, everyone got drenched! Molly insisted on wearing this cute little outfit, even eventually getting soaked to the skin. My little diva didn't mind in the least!

Although I don't have pictures, last night Ryan had his D.A.R.E graduation. That was alot of fun, but very long. Everytime we have a school fuction such as this to go to, it makes me feel so great that the kids are in this school system. The police officers had put together a slideshow of all the classes and the entire grade, put to music. It was just so awesome. There's just such a sense of community and togetherness. They all received certificates and t-shirts, and you could really tell it made an impact on them. We did take pictures, but something is up with my camera....they all came out either dark or blurry. Need to look into that. With Emilie, she had a walking field trip to "the point". About a 2-3 mile walk. They stopped at the cemeteries that have history in our town, and learned alot of interesting facts. Its funny, because I remember doing that as a kid! Otherwise, nothing much else going on. I'm preparing for court, and getting increasingly nervous. I didn't cancel for this Saturday with the B.A., because I thought it might look bad for me at court, and he doesn't need any ammunition, thats for sure. Summer vacation is coming...yay!!!

Things are rolling

Busy, busy around here with the school year coming to a close. Field day's, school field trips, class parties. Times four. Molly has finished preschool, so basically its the older 3 to finish up on now. 6 more teacher gifts to guy... it kills me...lol

Ryan started his sessions at the Rushford Center. He's going 5 days a week, 4 hours a day. Tranportation provided both ways. He gets picked up from school early and returns home by 6:30 pm. Seems kind of long , but well worth it. The payments are going to hurt for awhile, with it being $150 a week, after insurance. But.... the B.A. is responsible for reimbursing me 50%. Won't that be a nice surprise for him? lol The session will last 6 weeks, so it'll go through till probably the end of July. Obviously I didn't get him into this program to interfere with the possible visitation, but I have to admit it'll throw a wrench into what the B.A. wants. Monday night is Family Night, in which the whole family will go down, and there will be a parenting class to discuss issues, and I'm not sure what else. Wednesdays we'll be doing family therapy, which should be interesting, to say the least. But again, all very much worth the hopefully positive end result.

As far as court goes, I'm meeting with a lawyer tomorrow morning to discuss the case. I got his name through a referral service but I'm not sure if I'm going to go with him. He works on a sliding scale and says it won't cost me more than $500, less if we're in and out of there quick. Alot of money for me, but cheap in comparision what I could pay. I am concerned though, because he questioned ME as to whether or not we had to call the courthouse to let them know if we're "ready" or not. I had to explain to him that we state whether we're ready or not, ON the day of court, in the courtroom. I definitely need a lawyer, but I also need someone who knows what they're doing. I think he should have some sort of expertise with family law, or else I don't think he'll be able to help me much. I'm just not sure. Seems kinda fishy to me, but then again, he was referred to me, so he's probably legit. Just going to have to let him know of my reservations and go from there. If he's not going to work out though, I only have a week to find someone else. Not alot of time, but I can't wait to get it over with!

I also found a advice forum here online and told my story and what the B.A. wants. All that responded feel that he won't get the whole summer, but that I should have a "backup plan". Something to offer him as an alternative. Start slow with the overnight visits, and bring confirmation of Ryan's problems.

One step at a time for me. I have to remind myself of that.

I'll hopefully get a chance to write more tomorrow. In the meantime, I hope everyone has a good Monday!

No such thing as a 36-hour day

But it would be nice once in awhile if we had such a thing. Most days , they can't be over soon enough , but listen (or read) to what I've got on my plate right now.......

First of all, let me just add, that after writing my post about the B.A., I was served papers during Sunday night dinner! I knew it was coming, but still was shocked. The B.A. is bringing me to court and wants joint custody, and the ENTIRE SUMMER! My boss is thrilled to learn that I need the day before the last day of school off to actually go to court. I'm in shock though. I mean, does the jerk actually think he'll get the kids for 2 months?? Nevermind the fact that they're actual children, and not just a pet. The kids don't want to go. Not for the whole summer at least. They mentioned 2 or 3 weeks would be okay with them, but thats it.

And I need a lawyer. I'm not going to be taken seriously by the judge, and not going to be able to protect my children's best interests without one. But it sucks. We don't have a couple grand in savings. I'm off for the summer in another 2 weeks, and therefore, no more paycheck for me. I've made phone calls and gotten a few referrals for lawyers that work on the sliding scale fees and payment schedules. So thats started, but I'm still scared. I don't want to be without my kids for 2 months. I can barely handle the 1 week they're away for camp. I'm trying to think positively and stay confident that no judge in his right mind would give him 2 months after he's only spent 6 hours at a time with them. Of course, I feel that he wants that long for 2 reasons. 1, to not pay childsupport for that time. And 2, to get back at me. This isn't about the kids, its about what he wants, and its always been about what he wants.I'm hoping to get him to agree to 2 weeks, ONLY if he can prove they would be in a big enough place to sleep and stuff ,and they'd have adult supervision. I know he'll get something, so I might as well suggest it. Anyway, I'll write more about this later, but in the meantime, I get to look forward to going to court on the 21st.

Wednesday morning Ryan and I have a meeting with a place called Rushford Center. Its basically an outpatient program that involves therapy, in group, family and one on one time. Its a 6 week program (that would also cut into the summer for "visitation" ) and its 3 hours a day. Very intense. But we'll find out tomorrow if Ryan's a good candidate. Turns out in school on Monday he was holding a pair of scissors to his neck, pretending to kill himself. Scary stuff, considering he's actually thought about hurting himself.

So I have that meeting, need to drop Molly off at preschool, and then have a make-up safety meeting for work, before going to Ryan's school concert tomorrow night. Chris is going to be at work, and can't take the time off, so my mom will be helping me as far as watching the kids , feeding them, and getting them ready for the concert. I can't wait till tomorrow's over! lol Its basically going to be very crazy around here for the next 2 weeks until school is through.

And its actually gotten summery around here. Close to hot even though we're right on the coast. Enough to sweat at least.

I have way too much on my plate. I just want time to relax and chill out. My house is a mess, because basically I'm never home. I'm a one woman show. And I could really use those extra 12 hours a day!

More stuff

Since my posts are far and few between, I'm going to break it down this time. I've had alot going on that I need to write about.

Court

As I had mentioned I went to court on Thursday for child support, once again. Gosh knows, I've been doing this for 10 years now, I should be used to it. The B.A. (Biological Asshole for those that don't remember) had filed the papers, and come all the way back from North Carolina to deal with this. According to CT state law, he's required to provide medical insurance for the kids. Well, according to him, his job has been taking out way too much per month and leaving him with gasp! only $60 a week! Asshole.... he should get a better job then! So, to make a long story short, court is supposed to start at 10 am, and its announced that she won't be there till 2 pm! I've taken the day off from work, and had to bring Molly with me, so I wasn't happy. He finally strolled in at 9:45, and then when we were supposed to be back at 1:30 to talk to child support enforcement, he didn't stroll in until 2:45pm! Now, one has to understand how this asshole works. He gloats. Big time. He blames everything that doesn't go his way on someone else. Its never his fault. He tells me in front of the lady that I should get a full time job if I want more money! Hello, this isn't about me. This is about being a responsible adult and paying support for your children that up until 2 years ago, you didn't give a shit about. Right now the kids are under Chris' insurance. And we're okie dokie with that but the point is that its the B.A.'s responsibility to provide it. So, I feel that he should give us a portion of what we're paying. But, get this : I would need to file separate paperwork and miss work again to address the subject. The B.A. agreed to up the child support to $98 a week, and $20 towards the arreage of almost 7 grand. And of course, I know that he only agreed to up the child support because he wasn't going to be paying the insurance anymore. But the judge was confused why he was agreeing to it, and asked him why. Well, he says its because " he cares about providing for his children as much as he can" or something to that effect. What a liar! He could give two shits about them. He had told me that he wasn't going to get a second job or find a better job because that would mean that "he would have to pay more for child support". And then had told me point blank that if I wanted more money, I should get a full time job! The jerk is all about himself. Anything that will benefit him he's all for. Any time he's missed paying support (which according to his arreage has been alot), or hasn't worked, or hasn't seen the kids, or has missed visitation, its ALWAYS someone elses fault. I can't stand it! Supposedly he's moving back to North Carolina in another month, and I'm crossing my fingers that he actually does because I want this asshole out of my kids' lives!

Saturday visitation with B.A.

I had been toying with the idea on Thursday, because of court, with cancelling for Saturday. On Thursday afternoon my Mom was over watching the kids and Ryan had gotten mad at her and called her some names and threw a shoe at her! I was completely appalled and needed to find a punishment. And it was determined that he needed to be grounded from doing anything fun. But Emilie wanted to go with the B.A. and I told Ryan he couldn't go. So Saturday morning comes around and the B.A. comes to the front door and Emilie starts to walk out and I tell him that Ryan isn't going. He gets belligerent and tells me that "its court ordered, he's allowed to take his son! I told him what he had done to his Nana and the B.A. said "fine" and left with Emilie. 10-15 minutes later I get a phone call. From the Police Department! The officer asks me what happened, telling me he has the B.A. down there and that the B.A. said I wouldn't let him take his son when its court ordered. I explain to him why I wouldn't let Ryan go and tell him yes, its court ordered, but then I mention all the times that the B.A. just hasn't shown up for visitation and has cancelled many times. And then I ask the officer one thing. "Will I be arrested if I refuse to let Ryan go?" Yup, I'm stuck. I thought about making a stand and refusing and getting arrested, but really with the kids home, I'd have no one to take care of them, and it really wouldn't look good for my job. Plus, I'm an upstanding cititzen. I work for the town, so I'm in constant contact with the police dept, and considering I'm dealing with them because of my recent bus accident, I didn't want to get more involved that I already am. (I also asked if the B.A. could be arrested if he brought the kids home even one minute late, and he said "yes" and that he'd inform the B.A. that it was my intention to do just that , if needed. I don't want to sink to his level, but at this point I need to play by his game). At this point in the conversation I'm extremely upset. Obviously. I'm crying to the officer on the phone, shaking so bad, I can't even hold a pen. I'm so upset that I basically have no say in this whole visitation thing. I've taken care of these kids from day 1. Its me that misses work. Its me that wakes in the middle of the night to clean up puke. And its me that has to deal with Ryan's outbursts, because the B.A. sashays in and out of these kids lives with alarming speed. Ryan was finally adjusting to the B.A. being gone when he came back. Now the kids get to deal with the B.A. being back but calling his mom names and threatening to have his mom arrested! Then, he'll have to adjust, once again, in a month, to the B.A. leaving again. Its just not good for the kids. The B.A. has already been talking to the kids about them visiting him in North Carolina for the summer, and I've already told him that I won't allow it unless its court ordered. So now I get to look forward to that. I need to be prepared to battle. I've already come to the conclusion that I'll need a lawyer. Its just the problem with coming up with $$ for the lawyer. Even the last time I was at court to change the visitation because the B.A. was cancelling all the time and even a few times just didn't show up, the judge still didn't see any need to change the order. What the heck? I've always thought that its whats in the best interest of the child, and really it isn't. I've raised these kids while he's been off doing his own thing, not paying child support, yet he gets all the rights. Its just not right. And yeah, I bought cigarettes. And I smoked a few. But, I'm not going to screw up now. Its back to the patch for me.

Saturday afternoon

This is the good part. Because Chris met some challenge at work, he was able to leave at 1 pm! It was soo nice to have him home. We played around in the yard with the kids, and did some yardwork, and decided to go out to dinner with a giftcard we've had since last Spring. Thats very unusual for us, because we very rarely bring the kids out to dinner. Number one, it gets expensive. And number two, its hard to keep 4 kids under control long enough to eat dinner in a real restaurant. But it went great! We went to Olive Garden, and since its up near my Dad's house, we stopped in and asked him to go with us. We don't get to see him that often, so it was a real treat. The waiting time was obviously HUGE, so we went back to my Dad's house and let the kids play and stuff. Finally back at the restaurant I can admit that the food was awesome! My first time there, and as busy as it was, the kids were amazingly well behaved. Table manners and everything. I was so proud of them! We came home late, and I'm embarrassed to admit I was out like a light by 10! And I had a really funky dream I'm not going to share here.

So thats my weekend in "BOOK FORM". Amazing how these words can just flow out of my fingertips with amazing speed. Guess I really needed to get some stuff out of my head. I might possibly need to post here a bit more often, cause then I won't have so much to say!

Hope everyone had a great weekend!

Stuff

I went to Matt's field day today, and it was so cute! It only lasted about an hour or so, but it was definitely worth skipping the gym for. And check it out.... Matthew is a pro with the hula hoop!

Tomorrow I need to go to court, once again, for child support. The B.A. moved to North Carolina two months ago, came back up to deal with this child support stuff- (apparently he's only being left with $60 a week...yeah right!) But last Friday the jerk called me at 6 AM to cancel for Saturday morning because he was "needed" back in N.C. What the heck? He can't afford to pay child support, but he can afford to take multiple trips to and from N.C.?? And we all know, these days gas is NOT cheap. Anyway, he's supposed to be seeing the kids every Sat. again until after July 4th, when he goes back "home".... thank goodness. Course, then it'll take another 2 months for the kids to adjust again.

Not really feeling the whole blog thing anymore. It might be because I'm pms'ing right now, so really when it comes down to it, i'm bitchy and don't want to talk to anyone or deal with anything. Makes it even "better" to not smoke while dealing with this hormone crap. Grr.... I guess I just don't have much to say really, and don't really have the time to blog. I know once the summer comes around that I'll have more time, but not sure what I'm going to do for now.