Cold fingers

Its a tad bit chilly around here lately. I woke up this morning, and although there was no frost, I could see my breath! Its great except my fingers and toes are numb, but like I always say, its easier to getting warmer than trying to cool down.

I ended up standing in the pouring rain the other day because Ryan was supposed to have soccer practice, but the coach decided to just not show up! I wasn't very happy, and they should have had the practice, because if they had a game and it was raining, they still would have played. We got a call from his coach that very same night, telling us his game for Sunday is being changed to this Friday. Its kinda a good thing, because Sunday is our family day, and its also the day to do the grocery shopping and just relax or do stuff together. So anyway, this Sunday since there's no soccer, we're planning to go apple-picking! Assuming we have money, that is.

Otherwise not much going on. Chris and I went to Matt's open house last night, and since we had gone last year we pretty much knew what to expect. It was great though to hear his teachers' singing their praise of him.... I am so glad we decided to hold him back! He's so much more confident, and happy. Now, I'm not wondering if he's learning at the same pace as the other kids. I know he's right where he's supposed to be. And the coolest thing about it is one of his best friends from last year..well, his brother is in Matt's class. These 2 brothers actually argue about who's better friends with Matt, but I say its good because 1 playdate, 2 friends.

Tomorrow is October 1st! Yay! Its officially Fall around here, not only because of the month, but because the leaves are changing and the weather is cooler. And its time for me to start decorating!

Funhouse mirrors

I just had my post written, and Matt came up to the computer and showed me how to get out of a game he usually plays on here..... yeah, I'm guessing it was the delete button, cause now I'm back to square one.

So anyway, I wanted to talk about my obsession. Its mirrors. Not just mirrors, but my reflection in the t.v., in windows, and in storefronts. Even my sister notices what I do, and tells me to knock it off! LOL

When I go to walmart, I go through the mirror section, where they have several different mirrors. Like the full-length mirrors that go on the back of a door. Well, they have what I call the "skinny mirror". Its the mirror that I'll stand in front of and exclaim in a low voice.."damn, I look good!" And then there's the other mirror... the one where I look slightly bigger....closer actually to what I used to look like, or more aptly named the "fat mirror". The thing is.. I don't know which one is right! Which I guess maybe is why I look at my reflection everywhere.

Anyway, because I've been losing the weight slowly, I don't really notice the difference. Sure, I'll look at pictures and stuff and I'm a couple of sizes smaller, but my mind set is where it was before... when I was fat. I don't know how or when I'll get past it, and I'm thinking that eventually I will. But as weird as it sounds (at least to me), I'm not happy yet. I'm down to weighing what I weighed on my wedding day 7 years ago, but still 40 pounds overweight, and its not good enough. I doubt I'll get down to the point where I'll look anorexic, but I want to look skinny, and I want to NOW! I'm tired of waiting for it, tired of working so hard for it, although I already hear the saying in my head that says... "it took me more than overnight to put it on, so it'll take time to take off".

I get compliments practically every day but I still see the flaws. But I am proud of myself. I didn't think I'd still being doing this by now. Okay, I'm off my high horse..lol Thats all for now....I hope I don't sound totally crazy, but after all, I probably am!

Tragic

This past Saturday a man was killed here in town. I grocery shopped on Saturday night instead of Sunday, and on the way home, stopped at a convenience store... it was around 11pm. Turns out that night around 3am a man came in and robbed the clerk on duty, and after he got the money, shot the guy in the face!

This is a major thing overall, but this kind of stuff doesn't happen around here! This is a relatively small town and the last time something was news-worthy enough it was months ago when Katharine Hepburn died. Besides the grocery store, there are only 2 convenience/gas stations that are open 24 hours a day. While driving by the gas station today, (or crime scene, I should say) there were news trucks and a cleaning service there, and finally hit home for me. I lost it right then and there. That man didn't deserve what happened to him.

The scary part about it is that the killer hasn't been caught. This is a community where doors are kept unlocked and you can feel fairly safe walking at night by yourself, but for me, not anymore. Nevermind the kids in school.... its just really scary!

Just another day.....

....in paradise. Same 'ol shit. Take care of kids, laundry, grocery shopping, breaking up fights, paying bills we don't have the money for. Gotta love it.

Have hardly gotten the chance to get online. I was hoping to update a few days ago, and just didn't have enough time. Things have been crazy around here as usual, and since I now have 2 pre-teens who enjoy playing games online, it cuts down on MY time to play around!

So, Weight watchers this week I lost 2.2.....nice and average. I'm almost 60 % to my goal, and by next week, IF I lose at least 1 pound, I'll have lost 20 PERCENT of my body weight... its just mind boggling!

Today, when the biological asshole picked up the kids, I asked him about his possible job, and he got it. Thank goodness. Which means, if he's telling the truth, I'll start getting child support in a few weeks. He also mentioned to Ryan, the possibility that he'll be moving to North Carolina. I know it probably wouldn't happen, but can I tell you how AWESOME that would be? He told Ryan that they might be moving, and the asshole was hoping he'd get the kids a month in the summertime. I had to say something right there and then to him about that. That's not something you tell a kid! That's something he should have discussed with me BEFORE mentioning it to a 10 year old. First of all, he probably won't move, and second of all, if he does, him and I need to speak about it and come to an agreement! But, all I'm focused on is getting some child support...the guy's in serious arrears and needs to pay the $36 a week per child that's court ordered (even though we know that $36/wk covers jack shit!) But its better than nothing.

Okie dokie, thats all for now! I must make my time count while everyone's snoozing, so I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Lots of appointments

Molly had her 4 year checkup yesterday. I always get this serious mommy pride going when they realize how smart she is! She's in perfect health....40 pounds, and 41 inches tall! 50-75% for both. She's growing so fast! Of course, she still is my baby, and will always be my baby, but now she's a preschooler, and its not fair. If I were a kid, I'd be on the floor throwing a temper tantrum!

She did excellent on her eye exam, amazing the nurse with her quick account of all the pictures in the correct sequence. Even for the hearing test, which she passed with flying colors, the nurse was truly impressed how she sat there quietly with this serious expression on her face, pressing the clicker, with extreme accuracy. She said most 4 year olds don't sit as quietly, and don't follow the directions as precisely as my darling girl did!

Yeah, I'm a proud mama.

So then today, it was Ryan and Emi's turn for the dentist. Its been awhile, and I'm feeling terrible for not bringing them sooner, but I got them in, that's what mattered. The last dentist was a real jackass, and I had a panic attack just thinking about bringing them back. So anyway, the office is excellent! The dentist we met today was awesome with the kids, and they got to wear cool shades during the exam, and even had a gameboy to keep them occupied... it was really cool! They both have 1 little cavity, which isn't too bad, considering Emi doesn't have any and poor Ryan has had a bad past with dental problems. He's just one of those kids that's prone to cavities. Its weird because Ryan and Emi have always had similar habits with eating and brushing, and yet Ryan has a mouthful of metal and Emi has none. So with Emi, she has 2 weeks to get out a baby tooth or its going to be pulled (her permanent tooth grew in behind it) and I've learned that there's a possibility Ryan will need braces, but he said that its too soon to know with Emi. We spent nearly 2 hours there! They were due for cleanings, but not scheduled for today and they cleaned their teeth anyway! One less appt for me to make and remember! lol

Matt and Molly have their appt for the dentist next week, and then we'll be all up to date!

That's about all going on around here this week. Only 2 workout days for me because of today's appt's but I'm confident I've lose a pound or two. I've started to sign up for trips at work, to hopefully generate a little extra $$ around here. I did our budget, and its scary! And probably why we don't follow it!

Nice and warm around here too. Back to summer temperatures, even though its now officially Fall! The leaves are starting to change, and there's a nice bite to the air in the early mornings.. won't be long till we have frost! Another week or two and I need to think about getting some mums and decorating for Halloween...Yay!

Chilly Day

Not sure where to start. I've got so many random thoughts going through my head, and can't really put it into reading format, so I'll just start typing out things.

My sister refers to me as being Miss weather report. lol I like to watch the news, the weather in particular, to know what to expect from the weather. I'm not exactly addicted to the weather channel, because really I don't find them to be that accurate, but I usually stick to a certain news channel for all my updates. I need to know how to dress myself, and dress the kids so that they either don't freeze/sweat, you know what I mean? I'm weird, I know. So anyway, last night, I was watching the weather, and it was said that we had a cold front coming through, so along with the remnants of the hurricane, it was going to be cold. A high of 67 with rain. I wake up this morning, and it was 78 degrees and muggy! So, I dressed the kids in shorts and t-shirts, and headed to Weight Watchers, and while we were there the cold front came through and it dropped 10 degrees! Now I'm home and I've changed into pants, and most of the windows are closed. Our roads are flooded, the wind's making the rain come down sideways, and our swing in the back yard has already knocked over. We've had a thunderstorm, and lost power for a few minutes, but its okay cause I get to stay inside and do nothing all day long!

So WW, I lost .2 ........whoop ti doo! lol Better than nothing, but seriously, its really only 2/10's of a pound... but I guess its better than gaining! I know that maybe I've gained some muscle, and my cheese binge this week didn't help matters, but I'm feeling very healthy! I'm feeling strong and sure about myself, and I'm gung ho about sticking to points this week! My body feels more toned too.....whether its because I worked out alot this week or not, I feel as if I've lost inches, even though not pounds.

Right now, Matt and Molly are watching Santa Clause 2 in the living room. I absolutely love Christmas! Just the season of things.... not the receiving of gifts, but the music, the decorations, and the giving. Usually in this house, during the dog days of summer, when it feels like its going on forever, and we're all dripping with sweat, we turn on Christmas music! We dance around to it, and it makes us all happy! As much as we stress about finding the money for Christmas and not going broke, it truly lifts our spirits! I've been searching ebay for some cross stitch stockings to make for the younger two kids.... both Ryan and Emilie received handmade stockings when they were babies that my Grandmother had made, but Matt and Molly have the generic stockings...so I figure if I can find the kits cheap, which I have, and I get them, I might just get them done by Christmas! Plus, I'm looking into getting the patch within the next month or so, so doing the stockings to keep me busy will hopefully help with that.

Okay, so I've seriously rambled today! Enough is enough...lol We've got Ryan's soccer game tomorrow, and I hope everyone else has a great Sunday!

TGIF!!!!

Once again, its Friday!! I love how that happens..lol I go through the shitty long week, and then before I know it, its the weekend again!

Did 3 gym days this week, and even though I didn't want to today, I pushed myself and burned mucho calories. I'm still sick too. Lots of lovely wheezy stuff going on in my chest, and I might just have to go to the Dr's. Sleep has been nonexistent...I cough, even after taking meds, and finally fall into an exhausted sleep by midnight, only to have the alarm go off at 5:30..it sucks.

Didn't do too well with my eating this week, and I've been really trying hard to stay on track, but I've had the munchies. I would think with all the working out that I lost something, or maybe I won't lose at all because I've building muscles! Yeah, maybe its true, but if the scale doesn't show anything good tomorrow, I'll chalk it up to that.

Jen's house still isn't closed on. Turns out the seller is being a real dick, and they almost said "screw it". I think everything has been settled on now, so they close definitely next Tuesday!

Thats about it for now.... I weigh-in tomorrow so I know that I can write more then. I need to find some lunch before picking up Molly from school, so I hope everyone has a great Friday!

Check was received yesterday and deposited. Yay!!

Today is my sister Jen's birthday and shes 29! Happy birthday Jen! I'm also crossing my fingers for her that she's closing on her house today.....its between today and Thursday! At least then her stress will drop down a few notches.

Chilly day here today. Supposed to be between 68-72 degrees..just perfect! After work this morning Molly and I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things and we had this cute little conversation. She was riding around in one of those car carts...and because I'm a cool Mom I was zooming her around corners and going really fast! This is what she had to say:

Molly: Mommy, I want to go that way to see the hamsters!
Mommy: The hamsters? Honey, this isn't the pet store, they don't have hamsters here.
Molly: Go that way (pointing straight)

So I indulged her, because after all,she was behaving....

Mommy: This way? (because then she pointed left)
Molly: Over there Mommy! By the lemons...see the hamsters?

We finally got to where she wanted to go....

Mommy: (laughing) Ohhh..... Molly, do you mean the LOBSTERS???
Molly: Yeah, I want to see the hamsters! They're so cute!!

Don't I have the cutest little girl?

Yes, thank you, I'll have some cheese with my whine

I'm in such a bitchy mood! Excuse me while I have some self-pity.

First of all, I gained .4 this week. Just needed to get that out of the way. Its not a big deal, and seeing that its less than half a pound, I'm not worried about it, and I know I'll hopefully have a good loss next week. And I've been so sore since working out on Friday! My inner thighs, my outer thighs, my underarms... I can't think of the muscle name but its the jiggly part! To top it off, my sciatic nerve has been killing for quite a few days now!

What kind of whine/wine would you suggest?

Anyway, I ache from head to toe, just got my period, and things aren't going so well with Chris and I. I'll get a little specific, just because I can...lol He wants sex, and its not that I don't want it, but I have very long days! By the time he gets home at night, I've been up for almost 16 hours, and sleep is the only thing on my mind. Then add in the fact that I need to feel loved and appreciated to want that kind of intimacy. It doesn't help when the guy fails to get me an anniversary card! Thats all I wanted. I don't need gifts, and definitely don't need candy, but I don't think its asking too much for him to take 5 minutes out of his day to pick me up a card. Its not so much the card as the idea that he was actually THINKING OF ME! Ya know? And then before I know it, I'm bitching about little stuff. When I sneeze....oh, did I mention I'm sick too? Anyway, when I sneeze, is it asking too much for him to say bless you? See, the little stuff. By him saying bless you, I feel loved. When I talk to him, I EXPECT him to look at me. Just common courtesy. But for him to appreciate all I do for this family. A simple thank you is enough. Heck, bring me a damn flower off the side of the road for heavens sake! Thats all I need! Am I taking things too critically?

This afternoon I managed to get out of paying for those books I was talking about... one less load off our shoulders. Remember the extra kids I was taking care of before school started? The 3 of them are Chris' sisters kids, and she's had some rough times, and had finally gotten a job, and needed someone to watch the kids. I try to do what I can for family, but since we're pretty hard up for money, I charged her $40 a day, or $20 for half a day... pretty reasonable for three kids, I think. So anyway, she had given me $50 here, and $50 there, and I finally asked her when I'd get the rest...cause we really need it! She told me she'd give me part last week, and the rest this past Wednesday. I never got a call from her, and she didn't stop by. So then, I got an email from her saying that she wasn't going to be able to pay me all she owed me. If anyone knows me, they know I don't like to rock the boat, I don't like conflict, and I like to get along with everyone. Thats just me. But I HAD to speak up! I had paid a shitload of bills, and then to top it off, wrote a check to the Y that was going to bounce unless my SIL gave me the money. So I told her I would need it all and she said she'd bring it by either Saturday night, or Sunday morning. And guess what? She still hasn't shown up! I'm pissed now, and of course it just ADDS to everything else listed above! The Y check cleared, but unfortunately, if the rent check is cashed, we're screwed!

So really, I'm beyond pissed! I don't like to be taken advantage of. I unselfishly gave my last few weeks of summer vacation up to help her out. I went through tons of food, tons of frustration, tons of fighting, and not being able to even go anywhere! And while I understand my SIL has money problems too, I NEED the money! Apparently, my checks have to bounce, so that HERS don't. If she had put the kids into daycare, they wouldn't have let her make payments, but yet its okay to put me off! What the fuck! What do I do? I don't know anymore! Please, anyone....feel free to give me some advice! I really need it!

I'm going to go sit in a corner and pout now. I'll pretend I'm eating chocolate!

Already Friday

My gosh, the week has flown! I can't believe I only wrote one post this week... how neglectful of me! I actually wrote a post on Wednesday but when I tried to publish it, I didn't get anywhere, and just signed off. My time is so precious these days. Molly started preschool on Wednesday....this year she's going 3 times a week for 12 hours a week. Its costing me way too much money but its totally worth it. Both her and I desperately need time apart. Molly needs to be with kids her age, and I need "alone" time. ME time. Wednesday morning I practically did what I wanted for 3 hours.... went to the store alone, and poked around the house, came online for awhile, and ate lunch in PEACE!

Today, I worked out at the gym for the first time since July.. and man, did it feel good. I burned major calories on my "love to hate elliptical", and used the majority of the weights...I gotta firm up my legs! I look at my body now, and can't see how the next 45 pounds are going to take off the rest of my problems areas. I may just end up lowering my goal weight, but I need to get down to my first goal and just wait and see.

The humidity finally broke here, and we're back to cool nights, and comfortable days. The bus really gets hot, and between the heat and the crazy kids, my stress level hits 100 by the time the days done!

This weekend I'll be helping my sister pack up her condo, in preparation for her house closing next week! Unfortunately, she has a hard time getting motivated to pack because of her busy schedule, and so I'll be going over to get her butt moving. This time she'll actually be helping though.... I think the last two times she moved, her fiancee and I did most of it! lol Then on Sunday Ryan has his first soccer game! That'll be alot of fun- I'm just hoping he doesn't mention it to the biological asshole. Because if he does... the asshole will be there on the sidelines, acting like he's a Dad, and getting all buddy-buddy with the other parents.... and to tell you the truth, he embarrasses me. He's not a parent, he'll never be a parent, and him trying to act like one just pisses me off!

Other than that, on Sunday I need to dodge a woman coming to my house that sold me some educational books a couple of months ago. We had put down a $25 deposit, and I didn't think we'd have a problem coming up with the rest of the payment, but we're pretty broke. And these books are supposed to be really great, but.... we're talking a couple hundred dollars I'll be out of that we don't even have! I'd rather be out the $25, instead of $300! And add to it... I got the "reminder notice" in the mail, and she'll only take CASH! Just sounds too weird to me, nevermind the fact we never have that much money in cash on hand.

So, anyhow....this ended up being a really long post! I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

weekend stuff

The picnic this weekend was a good time! We got to see lots of family we usually only see a handful of times a year. I didn't do so hot with points, but I'm back on track now.

There's something about the picnic that was hard though. My aunt(my uncle's wife) was diagnosed with cancer almost 2 years ago. Most of the time she's at the picnics, and I hate to say it, but its really difficult for me to handle. So, anyway, I haven't seen her since Memorial Day, and since then, she's gotten worse. When first diagnosed, she had suffered from a seizure and was rushed to the hospital for tests. The tests showed tumors on her brain and her lungs. Probably other places, but I can't remember. I don't know how long she was given to live, but she's been battling it. She's endured chemo and radiation...losing so much weight she looks anorexic. She's been wearing a wig for awhile now, and recently is very bloated in her face. It makes me so sad. My uncle who loves her very much has been taking care of her, and is essentially watching her die. I'm falling apart when I see her every few months. I don't know how he does it.

My aunt and her family are in denial. They still aren't admitting to themselves that she's slowly losing her life. My aunt doesn't want anyone to give up hope. And everyone's been hopeful, but things are getting worse. She's now losing her eyesight, along with having trouble walking. From what I understood this weekend, she has 1-2 months to live. She wants every measure taken to keep her alive should something happen, unless she's brain-dead.

I'm not good with death, but I know that no one is. My grandfather died over 4 years ago from a brain tumor. I was pregnant with Molly at the time, and flew down to Florida for his funeral. I grew up having him around me all the time... he was a huge part of my life. And even though I hadn't spent time with him in many years it impacted my life majorly. It took me a long time to not necessarily get over it, but to accept it. And I'm not as close to my aunt, and not a part of taking care of her, its still making me vulnerable. I don't know how I'm going to handle it.

I've sometimes felt that I want to die before others, so I don't have to go through the pain every time. I know that dying is a part of life, and that when I think this way I'm being selfish. But truly I don't want those I love going through the pain if I go first. I just don't know.

Anyway, I'm sorry for this sad post. Its really depressing, but I needed to get it out.

Confused

I don't know how I did it, but I lost 3.6 pounds this week! Its nuts! Thats a total of 10 POUNDS in two weeks! Crazy!

I know I followed my points, but didn't get much exercise in..on two days this week and it wasn't even alot! Once I took a bike ride, and it was a slow ride because Molly was riding her bike with me. And the other time, Molly and I took a walk...again kinda slow. But hey, I'm not complaining though!

I guess I'm catching up from this summer when I lost a total of 5 pounds for two months! lol

I keep telling myself "gotta keep it up, gotta keep it up" If I do, I'll definitely reach my goal before Jen's wedding! I'm so excited!

TGIF!!

I'm back to loving Fridays! I sit here by myself, surrounded in peace. Molly's in the livingroom watching Dora, and she's quiet too!

This weekend is my Uncle Dan's annual pig roast! Usually the whole family plus friends come to hang out and relax the entire day while the pig roasts. Mostly everyone pitches tents in his big yard and everyone stays up late. There's usually a pinata for the kids- or sometimes he gets lazy and just throws the candy! Everyone brings a dish and chows down on the awesome food. Steamers are put over the hot coals, and for those of us that can stay up late enough, there's lobster! I only managed to do that once though! (it ended up being the wee hours of the morning!)A huge bonfire gets built when the sun starts going down, and all the days trash along with wood provides warmth and of course, plenty of room for everyone to toast marshmallows! We camped out once, but we weren't prepared with blankets and stuff like that. It tends to get fairly chilly up near the Mass. line. Plus, with the kids, its just easier to go home...to our warm beds! It promises to be alot of fun and we can't wait!

On another topic, my darling daughter, who's 9 year old, I might add, SHAVED HER LEGS!! I know, where was I? Actually, I'm not sure...could have been doing the dishes, or the laundry...I could have been anywhere. She had mentioned it to me the other day, and I told her no, she was too young, and thought the subject was closed. She apparently didn't feel the same as I ! If she had asked me , I could have told her to use the shaving gel, or at least soap! LOL The thing is... I don't remember how old I was when I started shaving. I remember sneaking into my Mom's room (which happens to be my room now!) and using her electric shaver. It would seem to me that Emilie is too young, but at the same time, I don't think there's actual "guidelines". She's only 9!!! She's still a baby! LOL Okay, well I WISH she was still a baby, but really she's only a girl... not close to being a teenager yet, and as far as I can tell, not close to puberty either. I'M NOT READY FOR ALL THIS YET!! Heck, I'm still only 19! One of these days I'll have to admit I'm 30, but I'm not ready yet.

Tomorrow's weigh-in again... I'm crossing my fingers I lost something. The biological asshole has the kids again..I think it may be time for me to cancel again. He's not a good influence.. and my kids definitely don't need to hear him and his "fiancee" calling me a bitch.

I really should pick up the house before its time to go back to work, so I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Flying by

I can't believe this year is almost gone! The summer flew by, although I admit at times it dragged. I can't wait to break out the fleece jackets. Go apple-picking! Make apple pie!(I make the best, if I do say so myself!) Play in the leaves with my kids! Carve our pumpkins for Holloween!

I had a post written out, and how its always the way, I somehow lost it. First day of school went great! Ryan started 5th grade, and loves it! Emi started 4th grade and her first year in middleschool a little apprehensive but of course, ended up loving it! She has the same teacher as Ryan did last year, which is a big help. I know how he teaches, his rules, etc. He's also a major hottie! LOL Matthew's first day was awesome of course.... he loves his teacher, but was a little disappointed in a few things. He finally grasped a week ago, that all his friends from last year were moving on to 1st grade, yet he wasn't. He's also not liking the fact that this week KG goes half-days, and doesn't start full days till next week. First day for me as "Miss Busdriver" went smoothly! I had no difficulties getting up at 5:30, and was actually ready by 6:15, a half hour before I needed to leave, and I got a little bored. But.... it was a great piece of "quiet time", and I enjoyed watching the news with my cup of coffee! All my new kids are so adorable, and so tiny! Either I have some small KG kids on my bus, or they really are supposed to be that small...lol Either way, Matt fits in size-wise a little better than last year!

Anyway, nothing much else going on around here. We're all getting accustomed to our new schedule, with homework, early bedtimes, that kind of good stuff!

Do me a favor, and go on over and visit Nikki at expectingno2.blogspot.com. Its also on my blogroll listed as "Finally Expecting". (My links don't seem to work when I post them!) This friend of mine just started her own blog, along with a new long-awaited-for pregnancy, and could use some hello's!

Hope everyone has a great rest of the week!