The weekend!

Yay for long weekends! I'm in serious need of more than 2 days off, and its beautiful outside too!

Here's the slideshow from Jen's wedding! Check it out , its really good!

So, on Wednesday I was in an accident. My first ever accident. I was driving the bus, and it was rainy and cloudy out. I'm first bus in line at the middleschool, and the street the school is on, comes out onto Main St. On Main St. there's a police officer that stops traffic for us and I need to cross 2 lanes and take a left. Hard to imagine, I know. But what it comes down to, is that the officer had stopped all traffic, I started to go, but some kids in a suv or jeep or something didn't see the stopped traffic and flew through. The front of my bus hit the back end of the car, and spun it around. I slammed on the brakes, saw the car spin and hit the officer (not bad though) and stop facing the other direction. It was SO scary! I had 35 kids on the bus and everyone was okay, because we really weren't going fast. We sat in the middle of Main St. for almost 45 minutes, while the principal, school officials, my boss, the mechanics, officers, and anyone else that could be thought of were coming in and out of the bus, getting all the kids names, checking on me, checking on the bus. I was really shaken up. I never saw the car coming, he was going so fast. There's an investigation going on and I needed to go in on Thursday to give my statement. My first time behind the wheel of a bus, and coming back out of the school was horrible. I had what must have been a panic attack. I started breathing heavy, got all sweaty, and thought I was going to cry. I'm even scared driving my car. But hopefully its something that I'll get over.

Let's see, was there anything else? Don't think so. The weather is FINALLY getting nicer around here. We've been a good 10 degrees below normal for this time of the year. And I'm ready for a little warmth. The kids are doing good. Matt finally lost his first baby tooth. He was so excited! Only a couple more weeks of school left, and then its summer vacation!

Ok, I'll come back later when I have more to tell. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

So much to tell about!

Okay, so I don't really have enough time to tell about everything (its already past my bedtime) but I'll give a quick overview about what I'll be writing about tomorrow.

I'm doing good STILL with my quit! I was in an accident on the bus yesterday (but everyone is okay!) And Jen's slideshow from the photographer is up on his website, so I'll be putting up the link tomorrow. If anyone's interested. But once I actually put the link up, I would highly suggest clicking on it. You'll need to have high speed internet, I guess basically anything but dial-up. Wedding pics put to music.... and even if you don't know her, you still might get a few tears falling (I know I did when I watched others)

Anyhoo, I would love to write about it all tonight, but I need my beauty sleep. Hope everyone has a great Friday!

Sorry, have to bitch again.

Quitting is so good for you...blah,blah,blah. It'll get easier soon...blah,blah,blah. Don't worry about gaining weight...blah,blah,blah. No, you don't want a cigarette...blah,blah,blah.

I'm so glad that everyone I know is so supportive, but dammit, I don't know how much longer I can deal with this shit. Not really what everyone is saying, because its exactly what they should be saying, but I want to scream and yell. I know I need to quit, I know it'll eventually get easier, I know its healthier for me to gain a few pounds versus start smoking again. And I know that when I'm told I don't want a cigarette that I do indeed WANT that smoke, and telling me I don't want it, isn't going to take my mind off of it!!

Its getting easier. Only a little bit, but easier just the same. Today was my first Saturday smoke free. It was hard. The sun was shining, the breeze was nice and warm, and I was outside doing yardwork, and I just wanted to sit on my swing, light up and enjoy it all. But I couldn't and that pissed me off. I've been exhausted too. I'm ready for a nap by 4 pm, and by 9 pm, ready to crash for the night. Chris is pissing me off by eating in front of me, when I had a horrible f'ing weigh-in this morning and I'm trying to keep an eye on my points. Gained 3.8 pounds! If I keep going gaining like this, I'll gain back everything I've lost in no time. Granted, I ate late last night and I can hope at least half of it was water weight, but still. I was ready to quit my quit and go back to smoking after my weigh-in, and quit once I reach my goal weight. But I haven't. Yet. Its just so hard to do these two things at once. I didn't think it would be as hard as its been. I'm trying to be a good Mom to the kids, but everything they do just pisses me off. And I say that lovingly. I just don't deal with stress well. And what am I supposed to do to help me deal with it? I'm at a loss. Can't eat. Can't sleep. Can't smoke. Can't exactly run laps around the yard while they're in the house killing each other.

Gosh, I've done nothing but bitch and moan on this blog lately. I know it doesn't make for interesting reading these days, but one of these days, things will go back to normal. Even though normal is boring too. On my quitnet site, I did some reading on the patch, and addiction, and all sorts of good stuff like that. Did you know that the patch works better for men than for women? And that your metabolism slows down when you quit smoking? Just what I need since I'm trying to lose this last 30 pounds. Of course, there's the alternative. Cancer. I don't want that either. There's just no happy medium. I just hope my kids, the older ones at least, can remember how badly I'm struggling to quit when they're faced with the peer pressure of smoking.

And thats another thing. When I want to have a smoke, I just keep ranting about it. I refuse to take off the patch, and I refuse (so far) to buy a pack. I did have a drag off of my SIL's last night, and it tasted horrible. You'd think that would keep me on track. I was fine all the rest of last night after that, its just been today.

One of these days I'll write about something other than quitting smoking. I promise.

5 days, 18 hours, 42 seconds smoke free.115 cigarettes not smoked.
$22.50 and 21 hours of your life saved.

Bitchy Mommy

I've been such a bitch this week. The last time I posted it was day 2 and now we're on day 4. Day 3 was HELL. Like I mentioned, I haven't been sleeping and when I do sleep I have major dreams. I've been waking up with eyes so gooey, that I can't see. Literally. Chris thinks its from the withdrawal or it could be from allergies or my contacts. Bloodshot eyes, a Mommy with no sleep or nicotine, along with curbing my food intake = you don't want to be me. Chris actually told me yesterday to go buy some cigarettes because he couldn't take it anymore. I was falling asleep on the couch last night by 9 and went to bed early, except took some tylenol PM and it seemed to help.

So, now today, it has been deemed necessary by someone to throw me a curveball. Got a call from the middleschool, and turns out Ryan hit another kid and he's being suspended until Tuesday! So "Here Amy, try and deal with this while quitting smoking. We'll see if we can break you yet!" Deep breaths, crying, and 2 cookies later, I'm feeling much better. And today hasn't been too bad either. Only one or two major cravings and I'm in a much better mood! (maybe due to the extra sleep?) I still really want a cigarette.... I'm hoping that will eventually go away? I keep envisioning myself buying some, envisioning how I'll feel after lighting one up. Of course, I'm thinking now that it would have been easier if I had waited till I got to my goal weight. But I don't want to start back up only to quit again and have to go through these first few days again. I'm rambling, I know. Sorry.

Things otherwise are going good around here. Nothing major going on. Beautiful, (yet cool) spring days being enjoyed. The weekend coming. A sunny weekend, at that!


Time Smoke-Free: 3 days, 6 hours, 35 minutes and 5 seconds

Cigarettes NOT smoked: 65
Lifetime Saved: 11 hours
Money Saved: $13.50

Still going

I don't know why, but today was actually harder for me than day 1. All the reading up I've been doing about quitting smoking does say that withdrawal peaks within 2-3 days so I guess that might be why.

I wanted SO BAD to have a cigarette today. I was willing to rip off the patch, and beg, buy, or steal a cigarette from someone. Thankfully, besides people inside the computer, I have alot of people that support me. I broke down crying this afternoon in front of my boss, who happens to be a former 3 pack a day smoker. She encouraged me to keep going, and that it could only get better. I was so frustrated! Some people, or maybe most people, gain weight when they quit. I feel like I'm stuck in a no-win situation. Normally, I would smoke to stop eating, keeping in mind that I'm losing weight. Now, I want to eat to keep from smoking, but I can't. (or I suppose, I won't) I was a nice wife yesterday and got Chris a little "goody bag" with all sorts of munchies and gum, etc since he was having a hard time. But I can't have that chocolate I want. I'm probably putting too much stress on myself. I know it would be healthier to put on a few pounds instead of smoke again, I just don't want my weight to get out of control, and I'm afraid of that happening. I just feel as if I'm taking on too much right now. I was even to the point today where I wanted "just one" drag, "just one" cigarette. I know from reading up on this quitting stuff, that I can't listen to the voice that says that, cause it would end up with me smoking a pack a day again.

But dammit, I want one! This is so hard. I don't know how people quit cold turkey. I'm having a hard enough time trying it with the patch. I do seem to have moments here and there where I actually notice I'm not thinking about it at all. And I know that if I did have a cigarette, the dizzy feeling would have me going crazy too! And to top it off , I'm sleeping shitty. I've been afraid of going without the patch while I sleep, and I knew it could be a side effect, but I'm waking every 2 hours, and the dreams are incredible. But I'm afraid of taking off the patch, and waking up in the middle of the night, craving one. Needless to say, I'm exhausted.

I'm damned if I do, I'm damned if I don't. It can only get better, it can only get better.


Time Smoke-Free: 1 day, 16 hours, 51 minutes and 10 seconds

Cigarettes NOT smoked: 34
Lifetime Saved: 6 hours
Money Saved: $4.50

I'm obsessed

With this:
Your Quit Date is: 5/16/2005 5:30:00 AM
Time Smoke-Free: 16 hours, 25 minutes and 21 seconds

Cigarettes NOT smoked: 14
Lifetime Saved: 2 hours
Money Saved: $3.08

Technically I've been smoke free for just under 24 hours. My last cigarette was last night at 10:15, but since I don't smoke while sleeping, I thought I should start it when I normally wake up in the morning and have one.

Today hasn't been easy, as expected. I've done fairly well with my cravings all day, but this evening has been a challenge. I really,really, really wanted to smoke after dinner. But I didn't.

And I'm happy to announce that Chris made it through his first day too!

Day 2, here we come!

6 hours, 31 minutes and 37 seconds smoke free.

I'm getting there, and I even found half a pack of cigarettes and broke them into a million pieces and tossed them. The patch started coming off while I was at the gym, but I kept pushing it back on, and now its firmly in place.

Had a "frantic" moment this morning, when I couldn't concentrate and just wanted to smoke, but it passed, and I didn't give in!

The real test will be later on while dealing with the 4 kids. Thanks for the support everyone!!

Extremely nervous

Tonight is my last night as a smoker. I've been getting more and more nervous as the day goes on. Chris is quitting with me and we're finishing up the cigarettes tonight and already have the patch waiting on the counter to apply in the morning.

I keep thinking positive and saying "it'll be a piece of cake!" Except the problem is, I can't eat that cake! LOL I even think it might have been easier if I could eat to compensate for the smokes but I can't. Although its kinda good I'm on WW, because as long as I follow my points I should be ok and not gain weight. I think. I bought some fruities at my meeting this Saturday and I'm planning on chewing on those when I get a craving. That and water.

I CAN do this. I WILL do this. Wish me luck!

Pictures!

Here's my garden by the back door. It used to be just a catch-all for stuff along with weeds and rocks. I think it cleaned up nicely! (and notice the border? those are the rocks I hauled up the hill)


Here's my front garden. The daffodils are gone, the tulips never bloomed and I can't remember the other perennial but its already bloomed and gone as well. I need to find some summer blooming perennials to put in there for next year but for now added the annuals and mulch to "pretty it up" a little bit.


One of my hanging plants. I usually just buy them from the store but this year put it together myself. Its just so pretty... my absolute favorite.


And finally, my hula shot....see Molly in her little skirt? She got the coconuts, and I just got a bikini type top that I refused to put on unless over my shirt! Ah, I'm so embarrassed!


I posted them a bit different today so hopefully it worked!

A little of this, a little of that

• The B.A. is back in town. He called me on Wednesday to let me know he would be in town this weekend and wanted to see the kids. Of course, he mentioned it to the kids first, so I couldn't say no. We do still have the court order, so technically I don't think I could had said no unless we already had plans. He picked them up this morning and told me he'd be in Ct until right after the fourth of July. Joy, joy, joy.
• I'm getting nervous about quitting smoking on Monday. I'm going to do it, and I'm reminding myself of all the positive reasons I'm doing it. My trade off is getting a cell phone. Cheaper still than cigarettes but totally necessary in my days of errands and "never home" moments. I also realized that even after paying for the cellphone, I'm still not paying as much as I have been for cigarettes. I've been so stupid to be wasting money on something that is so bad for me.
• I'm going to try to get a pic or two of my flower gardens I've been working on. Nothing special, but its been alot of fun planting.
• I don't think I had mentioned that Jen and Roman are back from Hawaii. They had an awesome time obviously but are glad to be back home. At some point within the next month or two they're going to take the kids overnight for Chris and I so we can go out and be alone for the night! Can't wait for that....we haven't had a night alone in years... possibly since our honeymoon almost 8 years ago!
• If I have the guts I just might post a picture of the hula skirt they brought home for me. I was just joking with them before they went that I wanted one, and especially wanted some coconuts, but they actually brought the skirt home, and I had to model it and dance in it! LOL

So thats all for now. I. must. clean. My house is disgusting. I need to pull out the dusting rags and vacuum and get to work. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

New lease on life

This week has been a long drawn-out affair. I have never been scared in my entire life. Each day has dragged out, with me praying and repeating the mantra "I'm ok, I'm ok, I'm ok."

I made the appointment with my Dr. for Tuesday morning. After meeting with her, she told me she felt that my blood-tinged mucus was a result of my airway being inflammed. A combination of allergies, asthma, and the obvious, smoking. Regardless, thankfully she gave me an order to get a chest x-ray.

Wednesday went for that, and through tears explained to the x-ray tech why I was there. I've been crossing my fingers every hour since. After running errands this morning, I got home a little after noon and there was a message from the Dr's office. I tried calling them back but they were closed till 1 pm for lunch. That was possibly the longest hour of my life. Steph had called and kept me busy for the majority of the time. To make a long story short, I got in touch with the Dr's office again, and I was told my x-ray was "normal"!

I never ever want to go through this again. This was my wake-up call. I obviously can't change the past, but I can determine the future. I can say that starting smoking while a teenager was my biggest mistake ever. I can beat myself up that I chose to lose weight before quitting smoking even though smoking is more dangerous to my health than my weight was. Can't change it. I can only make better decisions now.

I know that I can't prevent everything that may or may not happen. I could get sick next week even if I was the healthiest I could be. I could get lung cancer even if I never smoked one cigarette. There's so much in this world thats out of our control, and thats scary thinking about it.

But from this day on I'm a new person. Monday is my quit date. I know as of now I'm healthy, and I'm making the decision to do my best to stay that way. I know this may not be that big of a deal to some people , but to me it is.

Anyway, TGIF, and I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

Love the warmth

This week we're supposed to be in the 70's! Yay!!! Could I possibly break out the shorts? Still feeling a bit self-conscience about my legs but gosh knows they've gotta look better than they did last summer!

Anyway, haven't mentioned it but child #2 has the chickenpox. Emilie got them around Friday, and so now we're down 2, and 2 kids still to go. I'm still halfway optimistic that Molly and Ryan won't get them, but the way it seems to be going, it looks like sooner or later those red spots will show themselves. Emilie is old enough to stay home for short periods of time now, so I haven't had to miss any work, although if Molly gets them , I'll be missing a few hours. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

I made a Dr. appt for tomorrow. Very, very, nervous, but both my Mom and Jen have reassured me that its probably nothing. It hasn't convinced me but considering the alternative, I'm hoping obviously that its indeed nothing. I haven't had any problems since Friday, so I'm trying to be optimistic. Let's hope I get sent in for a chest x-ray, everything is good, and I go from there.

I had mentioned in the post that I deleted that I bought the patch. Its sitting on the counter mocking me everytime I walk by. Quit date : Monday, May 16th. I'm actually impatient for it to come, but I'm taking this week to "prepare" myself. I think I'll have complete success if I'm prepared versus making a hasty decision. I normally smoke a pack a day, and I'm down to 10 a day. I'm practicing my techniques to get through cravings. Deep breathing, and otherwise occupying myself. Anytime I want one, I hold myself off. I see how far I can get. It might sometimes be 15 min, and other times, I might forget and go another few hours. I'm refraining from smoking in the "normal times" that I would light up. After a meal, with my coffee, after work. I was really proud of myself today. Normally when I get out of work at 9 am, I have a smoke on the way to the Y. This morning I made myself wait, and it wasn't too hard. And guess what? Gee, it was even easier to workout this morning?!? Go figure! Because I have asthma, if I don't use my inhaler before I exercise, my chest tightens up. I've always known that the smoking obviously factored into it as well, but I couldn't believe the difference!

So, I'm making progress. I know that it won't be easy, even on the patch, but if I can get to a good place before I start the patch, I'm hoping I won't freak out as much.

Please keep your fingers crossed that my Dr's appt goes well tomorrow morning! I need all the good vibes I can get!

To all the Mother's out there......

I hope you have a wonderful Mothers' Day!

Pretty pretty flowers

This morning while at Jen's house to let the cats out (Yay, she comes home on Tuesday! I miss her!) I started collecting rocks. Across the street from her house, there's this huge rock pile. Its down a hill, a very steep hill at that. I had asked Jen if I could take rocks (for my garden) and she had told me just to make sure no one saw me. Apparently some company dug them all up, or something and I really should ask. So the car's parked, I tell Molly to wait near the car while I walk down this huge hill and tell her to be really quiet. These rocks are pretty good sized...about 12 inches around or so. I go down and can only carry about 4 or 5 at a time. I come struggling up the hill, once , twice, and then I hear it. Molly, saying, or I should say YELLING...."Mommy, are you still getting rocks?" lol So I say in the most quiet yell I can "Molly, SHHHH....." It was quite interesting! Thankfully no one was around, but I don't think they would have had a problem with it. Really, I didn't even make a tiny little dent in the pile...I'm serious, it was HUGE!

I brought them all home and started on my garden. Last week I had bought a few flats of annuals and I seriously needed to get them planted! (they were dying folks!) Sorry to say, even though I took 5 trips up and down that hill, got scratched up with thorns all over my legs, I still need to go back and get more rocks. I'm bordering the back of my house with them, and only made it halfway.

But, to make a long story short....I got the majority of my flowers planted, planted my spring bulbs and threw down some mulch. And it looks beeeutiful.

And.... I got exercise out of the deal too! It was gorgeous out...a perfect spring day!

Family ties

My Mom is the second oldest of 7 children. Unfortunately my aunts and uncles are spread around the U.S. California, Florida, North and South Carolina and Maine. When I was a kid every few years we would all get together for a family reunion, usually in Myrtle Beach. We all would have such a good time! A week in the sun, visiting with family we hadn't seen in years. My cousins, siblings and I always seeming to get into some sort of trouble. Still to this day, we occassionally pull out the videos from then. When I was only 8 yrs old! Watching everyone when they were younger, laughing at the hairstyles....such a huge part of my past.

Our last family reunion was in Panama City, Florida. Almost 12 years ago. I think because all us kids were getting older and such, it was getting harder to get everyone together. At the time I was 18, and pregnant with Ryan although no one knew. My other cousins were around my age by a few years and one particular cousin, Jon, lives in California.

For Jen's wedding, she obviously invited all family members from all around, and although a few made it, she was hoping our cousin Jon would. He wasn't able to make it, but Jen did have me send him an email when she was on her way to CA to see if she could meet up with him. I really haven't talked to him since the family reunion. Its difficult to keep in touch with such distance between us, plus with him being a guy, there's not a whole lot we have in common. But in my email I suggested we keep in touch because family is very important to me and its better late than never.

I actually didn't think he'd email me back. I mean, maybe he'd rather not keep in touch. He finally did send me an email though. You know sometimes how people try to exaggerate their life to impress or whatever. Which is okay, I mean, I think we all do it at some point or another. So anyway, I had known that he had gone to college and had a girlfriend, but no kids. In his email he tells me where he works and gives me the figure that he recently bought his house for. Its so hard to tell through an email how a person is trying to come across. He could just be trying to tell me bits and pieces of his life, or he could have been trying to impress me.

Not that it matters. I definitely won't be writting him back with anything impressive except for the fact I have 4 kids and I've lived(so far) to tell about it. But I can't tell him that I bought a house for tons of $$ because we don't have tons of $$. Because of what he included in his email I'm almost embarrassed to tell him about my life. Because I haven't talked to him in so many years, we're fairly close to being strangers. Yet I want him to know about my life. I want to someday see him again, and have him meet my kids and husband. When it comes down to it, I doubt he really cares how much money I do or don't have, or how big or nice of a house I have. But its the uncertainty. How much do I really want to bare my soul? Do I want to tell him about my hopes of going to college someday? To be quite honest I feel inferior to him. But he's family, and even though I haven't seen him in a long time, I bet if we met up tomorrow, we'd go back in time and fall back into the easy relationship we had.
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There's no real point to my post...sorry. Just had all these things swirling around in my head, that I wanted to get down.

A very broke Tooth Fairy

When Ryan had his teeth cleaned a few weeks ago the dentist tells him he has either 7 or 11 teeth loose! Can't remember which one, but thats a helluva lot of teeth. One of his 1 yr molars fell out while he was chewing last week. He got a buck. A few years ago he was visiting my sister Jen and my new BIL in New York and lost one. Apparently in New York the tooth fairy shells out big bucks....$20 to be exact.

The tooth fairy determines the monetary amount by how hard they have to work to get the tooth out. It ranges generally from $1 to $5. His other upper 1 yr molar has been loose for probably over a month now. His permanent teeth for this particular tooth (actually on both sides) have started to come in, in front of his baby teeth. So obviously, its pretty imperative that he pull them out soon. So tonight, he tells Chris and I that the tooth is hanging. We check it out, we ooh and ahh, and we tell him to pull it.

My poor son. The tooth was literally hanging there. He worked for almost 3 HOURS tonight to get that baby out. He was in pain, he had a headache and even asked me if he could stay home from school tomorrow because it hurt so much. "kiddo, just pull it out" I tell him.

He finally got it out at around 9:45 tonight. His bedtime is 9pm. He went through 3 popsicles to numb the gum so he wouldn't feel it. When he finally yanked that stubborn thing out, there was a chunk of his gum still attached to it! Ewwwwwww!!!!! No wonder why that f*cker hurt! Now my dilemma.... its under his pillow, the tooth fairy will visit (obviously with a $5!) but I'm thinking when that piece of flesh dies, its gonna stink. Never had this happen before. lol

Needless to say, there's been alot of drama around here.