Well, Happy Easter!

Its been a great day spent with family, but my enjoyment has been shadowed by a terrible thing that happened right down the road.

Saturday morning, I was headed to WW and one of the houses on my street had two police cars parked in front. I wondered what was going on, because that's one of my bus stops, and I pick up and drop off a second grader. Heading home from WW there were more cars along with a paramedic truck. Then more police cars, a state police investigation unit, you name it, it was on our street. They weren't giving out any information to anyone who asked. We had to wait for the news to come on that night.

Now, I knew there was an older couple living there, and a young couple with the 2nd grader and a new baby. And again, had no clue what was going on. Was it a murder? Was it the 2nd grader, one of the parents, the older couple, the baby? It was all speculation.

Finally the news came on. The baby had stopped breathing and was unable to be revived. My God, the horror I felt! I felt as if I was free falling. I could only put myself in the parents position. I felt as if I was having a panic attack. I was snapping at the kids, and couldn't pull myself together because I was thinking of the grief the parents must be going through at the moment.

Turns out the cars and trucks were parked on the street all day waiting for a search warrant. Looking for clues, and I have no idea if thats customary or not.

I ran out to the grocery store at about 9 pm last night, and took the long way around, instead of going down my road and having to pass it all. I still had to pass our street though and the news crews, spotlights, and satellite dishes were making me nauseous. The tears started rolling. I've spoken a few times to the mother, and the 2nd grader is an adorable and sweet child. What were they going through right now? This family had just lost a child. Personally I don't think it was anything they did. It had to been SIDS. Their home was taped off with crime scene tape, they were unable to go home. They had to stay away from the house, knowing that there house would be ablaze with lights, and being searched top to bottom.

The autopsy was today. They're saying the results won't be available for a few weeks. I'm just so sad over this. I can't help but put myself in the mother's position. Their lives will be forever changed. My heart goes out to them!

Me again

So, where do I start?


I've been going back and forth on the question...do I continue blogging or do I close it down? I go back and forth which is why I haven't been really posting. I mean, no one reads this, so its not like anyone will miss me. There's so much going on in my life, I don't really know what I want to write about. And if no one is reading, then why bother posting? Also, I don't really have the time to post. Poor excuse probably, but hey.

So, what's been going on, you ask?

We're actually going on a REAL vacation next month. First ever, if you can believe it. Chris and I have been away for our honeymoon, and we've been down south to visit family and for weddings and such, but that's about it. Its kinda overwhelming to plan a vacation at a place you've never been. With only pictures and online accounts to go by, its hard at least for me to make the decision. Money also, of course, plays into it as well. Its not cheap to travel as it is, nevermind with 4 children in tow. But we'll be going with my brother, his wife and their kids. Forces you to make a decision. lol We'll be staying at a fancy resort, and hopefully will have tons of fun. (Of course, assuming I can spend that much time with Chris and not kill him!)

Arreage has been paid off to me, which is nice. Money will be invested, and is still in check form. In contrast to the BA wanting to give up his rights, he's again threatening to bring me to court to have visitation. He doesn't know what the fuck he wants, but I'll be fighting tooth and nail. The kids are doing fine as they are, thankyouverymuch.

The kids are doing great, at school and at home. Nothing unusual going on, just life.

Anyway, nothing much going on, but what is, in a nutshell. Do me a huge favor, and if you stop by, just drop me a quick hi to let me know you've been here!

Recent events, bullet style

• We recently had two birthdays around here. Ryan turned 13!! I mean, holy shit, I'm a mother to a teenager !!! Damn, I'm getting old :(
• Emilie turned 12. Unfortunately her hormonal tantrums are only going to get worse. Trust me, I'm still apologizing to my mother for what I did to her. (of course, I love Emi to death and she's great)
• Its finally Feb. vacation! These last few weeks seem to have dragged. We're not really doing much, since Chris is going away for business for part of the week. But still! I get to sleep in...lol
• Emi went with a friend to Cape Cod, so there are only 3 kiddos in the house for a few days.
• I'm trying to start making plans for a vacation this summer. I'd love to take the kids to Disney but I'm not sure if I should wait another year or not.
• I've been trying my hand at selling on ebay. So far so good. I'm not nearly as organized as I would like to be though.
• Another OMG.....the B.A. settled on his lawsuit and I'll soon be receiving a check...a BIG check, to pay off the arreage he owed me. It won't be lining our pockets though.... we'll be investing it.
• Hmm.... thats it for now. I know there's more but I can't think straight... I need to head to bed.

Depression

So, I think I'm depressed. Actually I'm pretty certain I'm depressed. Not to the point where I want to hurt myself fortunately, but enough where its affecting everything about me. My self worth is nonexistent. I have no confidence. I feel like no one needs me, no one wants me around, no one cares. I feel because of this, its affecting my ability to stick to WW and lose this weight. Not blaming it, but its definitely a contribution.

I don't feel I can really talk to anyone about my problems. Or I can, but it doesn't get me anywhere. Nothing gets resolved in my head, and I can't let it go.

Take for instance when I was going through the shit with probate court because the BA (biological asshole) wanted to give up his parental rights. I was so afraid of making the right/wrong decision that I couldn't make one at all until the very end of it. Because of all the thoughts in my head I couldn't express clearly, I spent many nights crying myself to sleep. I remember thinking one night that I didn't want to be around anymore, except that I didn't want to leave the kids, especially with Chris.

My sister is another one. I feel I'm a giving person. I do things for people because I want to help and it makes me feel good. I don't expect anything back, but....I guess I do expect my sister to feel the same as I do. Wanting to make someone's life a little easier by helping out. So many times I've left my own house in shambles to help her pack to move.... not once but twice. I've left Chris home with the kids many nights to help her paint...into the wee hours of the morning. When she got married, I again spent many nights away from home to help her...into the wee hours of the morning. And while I know she appreciates my help, I want her to sometimes help me. She takes the kids, she's gone to school functions that I've been unable to attend, but when it comes down to it, she doesn't want to "waste too much time" helping others when she has her own stuff. Hello...she doesn't have kids and she only works 3 nights a week. I've asked her several times to help me organize my house. She throws it in my face, and tells me that I want her to come clean. I just need some help and direction. And I can't depend on her. I hate it.

Take my SIL's.... for New Years Eve they invited my sister and her husband over but not me. I was the only sibling not invited. I haven't spoke to them since Christmas, and the only reason I found out about it is because my sister asked if we were going, and we hadn't even been invited. Apparently because I was in a bad mood on Christmas and they didn't want me to "wreck the night". I'm just having a hard time dealing with my family, and even though I'm surrounded my family, I feel so alone.

And for the record, I know meds could help. At first I was trying to avoid them but at this point I just need to feel better. As soon as I find my phone book I'm calling to make an appt.

Opening up shop again?

I may start posting around here, mostly because I can't find a catchy title for a new one..lol 'Course, this blog's been gone for quite awhile so I really don't have to worry about telling anyone about it, right?

The end of my blogging days

So, I've decided to stop blogging. For quite awhile now, I've felt that I can't truly write what's in my head because of who's possibly reading. That in turn, causes me to resent blogging. I should feel free to write what I want, but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, so I keep it bottled up inside. In addition to that reason, I don't very often get comments. Most of the time that doesn't bother me, but when I really feel I need feedback of what I post and don't get any comments, there's really no reason to write.

Since I'm laying it all out on the table, I'll write about a few things that are bothering me.

About a month ago, I sent a letter to an old friend I haven't really been in touch with for about a year. It was extremely hard for me to write this letter, and I lost a lot of sleep over it. I realized at that point that I needed just to get it sent out. This old friend and I have had some disagreements in the past and I didn't know if I would get a response at all, but I had to try. Early on in our friendship we had gotten in a fight and hadn't spoken for awhile. Several months later she contacted me. Writing this letter, sending it to her, trying to reach out, made me realize how hard it must have been for her to reach out that first time. And I was hoping she'd understand how hard it had been for me to send this recent letter.

I just received a response today from her, and honestly I don't feel she "got" what I was trying to say. But I tried. I tried and I failed, but at least I can't ever regret not trying. And I'm sad. From how I understood the email, she doesn't really want to stay in touch past the christmas card exchange, etc. Several times a week, I want to just pick up the phone and talk to her. Hear about her life. It makes me realize that we weren't as good as friends as I thought. And I couldn't help but feel defensive on her reference that I "end it without anymore hurtful or passive-aggressive insults". I've never tried to insult or be hurtful. I stated specifically in my letter that I didn't want to be hurtful. And I certainly didn't insult her in the letter. I was expecting the response I got, but was hoping I wasn't going to get it. And I did. But at least I tried.

The other thing thats been bothering me is this. I sent a gift to another blogger out there and didn't even know she received it until I emailed her. One of the gifts I made myself, took me hours to make, and I put alot of thought into it. The thing is, it seems to me, when a blogger receives a gift from someone, they'll post it somehow on their blog. Post a picture of it or something. And don't think that I wanted that to happen to get more people to my blog or anything, its just that if she truly liked it, she would have posted something about it. And nothing. Just makes me feel like shit. Here I made something from my heart, put hours into making something special for her, and it wasn't even appreciated. Granted, not everyone likes handmade things, but they should at least acknowledge receiving it. Makes me feel stupid to have sent it, and to have gone to the trouble to do something nice.

So, why bother. I'm not perfect, never pretended to be, but I try to be a decent human being and it gets me nowhere. People apparently don't like me in real life or blogland.

For the people who have come here to read my ramblings, have occasionally commented, thank you. At this point in my life I need to focus more on me. On my family.

For some of my favorite blogs, I'll continue to read. A very limited list. For right now I may keep up my weightloss blog, so if you're interested, I'l post occasionally on there. As it is right now, I only post once or twice a week, but may eventually close that one down as well.

Sorry I couldn't have stuck around for longer.

First day of school

Another school year beginning. I'm glad to be back to work, the kids are glad to be back at school even if they tell me otherwise!

Ryan's in 6th grade this year. So far so good with his behavior. He's informed me that he knows he's going to get way too much homework. And he's in disbelief that when he's given a book report to do, that he'll only have 2 weeks instead of a month to do it! Oh, yeah, and recess is shorter...go figure. I don't have the heart to tell him that its just going to get worse...lol

Emilie's in 5th grade. She has the same teacher that Ryan had last year. She's enjoying it so far! Of course, the year is young. She's been so moody though. I think she needs more sleep.

Matthew's in 1st grade this year. He likes his teacher, and has a few friends in his class, but informed me that he wants to go back to kindergarten. He's not liking how he'll get homework, and I think he was concerned that a few friends who aren't in his class stayed in kindergarten. I had to explain to him how they just have different teachers!

Molly's in kindergarten. I drive them in my bus to school, and I'm lucky enough to do our neighborhood. She got off the bus with no problems. A little hesitant, nothing unusual. When my bus was empty and I started to pull away from the school, I got all teary-eyed. My baby started school! She's made quite a few friends too. She has very few shy bones in her body...probably due to being the youngest of 4 kids. Half days for her through tomorrow, and then its on to full days for her. I already know she's going to flourish!

And now for some pictures. Chris was the one that took them, so I'm apologizing in advance...lol I've also added a few other first day photos to flickr, so check them out!